The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've told my A that I'm giving 30 days notice to the landlord and I'm moving with the kids to my dad's house (he passed away in Oct and my sisters and I are going to co-own it and I will live there) and he needs to find a place to go. I don't think he still really "get's it" and probably won't till June 15th. I'm probably worrying about things that will work themselves out but, I'm just looking to be prepared with some ideas.
For those of you that are still married but living apart, how do you do it? Moneywise? Do you split any costs that are related to the kids? How do you file taxes? Who gets what vehicle? Do you still spend time with him or his family?
I have plans to find a job and I'm ok with him coming to visit the kids as long as he hasn't been drinking or high. But I can't live with him. I need to live somewhere clear of his junk.
I would suggest you go see a lawyer ASAP. That is about the only suggestion I can give. Having gone through separation with my A 4 years ago, there are too many things to suggest, and each case is so different. Sorry and good luck.
My AH and I have been separated for about a month or so now. He is currently living in a half way house. At this time, I'm not receiving any money because he's had to restructure everything in his life due to this last incident he lost his job everything. So we're both rebuilding. When he gets back on his feet he'll be paying child support. My van stayed with me my names on the title. I would probably say if you guys have credit where both your names are on them, talk to an attorney. There are ways to legally set things up in place such as legal separation or just sit down and figure out what makes best sense for you and the kids. In my situation, the kids and I come first, AH has to deal with the rest. Everything is in my name, so while my credit gets the hits, his life will be impacted too. Eventually he will half to make half of those payments with me, since both of us got into debt together. I'm not cutting slack on this because its his responsibility. As far as family, he comes to see me and the kids. I still love him dearly but cannot bring him back into the home until some real changes get made. I do spend time with his family, they have been a wonderful blessing to us and they love the kids. I just remain respectful with them and try and speak as positively about my AH as possible. I don't sugar coat his disease, I only talk about the truth in things. I would definitely talk to an accountant on the tax thing though. Not sure about that. I take one day at a time, that is all I can handle. You are right, things will work themselves out for the best, HP will make sure of that.
Peace to you, Twinmom~
__________________
"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
(((DJ))) Just wanted to give you a hug. Big transition. I too would consult a professional to make sure all the details are taken care of. Keep us posted.
You sound so strong b/c you know you're doing the right thing for you & the kids but it's so very,very hard. In my experience, It's very necessary to talk to a lawyer for separation papers as my ex maxed out all our credit cards!!! so when it came time for the divorce I ended up with half of those bills!! A $33,000 hit to me!! A total shock--so I think you need some professional advice, even if you never get divorced. I pray for you & the kids that your life will become more peaceful. Hope
((((((DJ))))) I too am separated from my qualifier. The only thing I wanted to add to the other posts, is that having a sponsor and talking to a therapist were just as important as speaking to an attorney for me. I did all three when I decided my living situation had to change. I wrote out a Plan A, B, and C and got feedback from all three of them. I don't think I would have been succesful in setting these new boundaries without having all of that support.
hi, you are very couragious to make this decision. Good for you.
If you know it is right and follow your heart, it will be ok.
Your questions depend on your state laws.
I expect NOTHING from him. NOTHING. No child support, no food, nothing. He is very sick with a disease. The disease usually makes it an "Out of sight, out of mind" situation.
I always tell my experience. When I did all of everything, I was free from the disease. Then I just loved my A for him. His disease could take nothing from me anymore.
I also got a legal separation becuz then I am not liable for the messes he gets into. You do not want to lose your house.
Thank you all. I completely understand that this will be hard.
I live in WI and was told from the lawyer who is handling my Dad's estate that anything that is inherited it MINE unless I put it in a joint account or in both our names. So my 1/3 of the house and inheritance $ should be safe from him. People always wonder why someone dies especially when young (my dad was 63). I'm starting to believe that if my dad hadn't died my escape wouldn't have been possible. I see it as one last gift from him. He knew there were problems a few years ago and said that if I ever needed to get away even just for the weekend that I could go there and stay with him. I grew up in the house and it gives me huge hugs when I walk into it.
I have a bit of credit card debt that he helped to pile on when I added his name to one card when we got married (Big mistake). Four years ago I cut up the cards and cancelled my/our charging privledges lowered the interest rates and have been steadily paying them off. When I get inheritance $ I will be able to pay off that debt. One of our cars (he has been driving it) is in my name and paid for. The only joint things that we have are utility bills and rent insurance which will be closed when we move and we have a joint checking account that I will close when I move. I already have a checking acct in only my name. I believe that the insurance for both vehicles is in my name which I can easily change. The kids and I are on his health insurance plan, but he has to keep making self payments cause he doesn't put in enough hours to keep it current.
I hope that he can be civil about handling things that involve the kids.
I have a great support net under me made up of family (both his and mine) and friends. I do feel lucky in that sense.
I have feeling that this month will be very bumpy.
When I left my A I called and changed all of the utilities into his name. We were still legally married so that was totally ok. Phone, gas, electric, cable, and internet. You are doing a great job of being a responsible person about your decisions. My dad died a year ago and that has made it possible for me and the kids to start new also. A really wonderful gift he gave me. One of many. Keep comming and be gentle with yourself......
Well I separated from the A a while ago. We had a joint tenancy. I moved he didn't. I am liable for the fact he didn't. Do you know where the A will go?
I still have no idea where the A has gone. He has sworn he has moved up north numerous times. He did not move.
