The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It took me years to realize I was banging my head against a brick wall. I tried to stop on my own and it took me even more time to acknowledge that I can't do it myself. I had a big breakthrough when I got so desperate, that I finally allowed myself to reach out for help from people in recovery!
This week I have felt like I was taking steps backwards in my recovery. Not in my actions, but definately in my head. I had a conversation with my alcoholic ex boyfriend where he said some things to me that really hurt me. I like how I reacted to him, but I hated that it affected my entire week. Analyzing what he said to me has been exhausting. I realize I can't just turn off a switch and magically let these things roll off my back, but I can work at it.
It has left me feeling as though, although I have stopped banging my head against a brick wall. I am still standing there, staring at it, with nothing else in my view, waiting for my HP to pick me up and turn me around. I know I have to turn myself around and I am so thankful that I have this program to help me do it.
I am also thankful that I turned to those in recovery this week instead of explaining myself to him or going to unsupportive people in my life for support (hardware store for bread). It has helped me to see that I am actually still making progress, even though it feels like it is at a snail's pace.
The image of standing there staring at the brick wall waiting for God to pick me up and turn me around made me laugh. I could see God looking at me shaking his head..... Good for you and your progress.....works if we work it and we are worth it......
The snails pace is killing me right now....I feel my recovery is slipping everyday...I also see small things that show me i AM recovering.......But still it's so very hard, and very painful for me...
May our HP's guide us through this...And maybe one day, we can look back and think....Why did i let myself go there...lol
I love your analogies. They are so appropriate. I feel that way much of the time too. Banging my head on the brick wall. And then when I stop the banging...I am still staring at that wall fighting the urge to start the banging again. Oh I am getting such a headache. LOL.
Y'all are all so awesome. Thank you so much for your posts. Y'all help me through my every day life more than you can possibly imagine.
This cunning and baffling disease is not letting you see that right next to the brick wall is the door and a bright window for you to see beyond that wall.
Open the door and walk right through. We are all there on the other side cheering you on, as others have done for us.
Much love, Maria
__________________
If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
and a bright window for you to see beyond that wall.