Symptoms of codependence are controlling behavior, distrust, perfectionism, avoidance of feelings, problems with intimacy, excessive caretaking, hypervigilance or physical illness related to stress. Codependence is often accompanied by depression, as the codependent person succumbs to feelings of frustration or sadness over his or her inability to improve the situation.

Codependence can also be a set of maladaptive, compulsive behaviors learned by family members in order to survive in a family which is experiencing great emotional pain and stress caused, for example, by a family member's alcoholism or other addiction, sexual or other abuse within the family, a family member's chronic illness, or forces external to the family, such as poverty.

Codependency advocates claim that a codependent may feel shame about, or try to change, his or her most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with those of another person. An example would be a wife making excuses for her husband's excessive drinking and perhaps running interference for him by calling in sick for him when he is hung over. Such behaviors, which may well lessen conflict and ease tension within the family in the short term, are counterproductive in the long term, since, in this case, the wife is actually supporting ("enabling") the husband's drinking behavior. So, sometimes, the codependent is referred to as an "enabler." It is also worth noting that since the wife in this case is dependent on the husband's alcoholic behavior, she may actually feel disturbed, disoriented or threatened if she sees clearly that he is emerging from his dependence; the threat to her position as a confidante and needed loved one might lead her unconsciously to resist the husband's steps towards recovery. Similarly, a codependent parent might resist his or her child's steps toward independence; whether early or late in life.

Codependent people have a greater tendency to enter into relationships with people who are emotionally unavailable or needy. The codependent tries to control a relationship without directly identifying and addressing his or her own needs and desires. This invariably means that codependents set themselves up for continued unfulfillment. Codependents always feel that they are acting in another person's best interest, making it difficult for them to see the controlling nature of their own behavior.

Codependency - A Matter of Control Codependency, for others, doesn't express itself in a desire to control, but instead, in the need to be controlled by others. Because it is nearly impossible for Codependents to say "no" to people, they may find themselves the victims in physically and emotionally abusive relationships. They believe that if they can be good enough, or loving enough, they can change the other person's behavior. They sometimes blame themselves for the abusive behavior: "If only I had not forgotten to do the dishes, he would not have had to hit me."

 This is co dependency according to Wikipedia. Take what you like and leave the rest.
  I think, in my own  opinion, the "family night" was trying to suggest that it's helpful to see that recovery is a part of a greater whole. Rather than simply dismissing it as "it's his problem" each person takes care of their own problem and looks for their own solutions.
 I would also be careful of the words "blame." Blame implies a sense of guilt and shame and a desire for revenge, in my experience, or at least a desire for some sort of amends to be made. I recall in C2C there's a reading that goes "I had to drop the word 'blame' from my vocabulary." Accountability implies responsibility, at least to me.

 I also think that, at least for some of us, we don't need al anon. Not everyone who finds themselves in dysfunctional systems needs assistence. Or, alternatively, they don't need it asl long as others. I can see myself utilizing this program on a long term basis. I've seen others use this program for 6, 8, 9 months. They get what they need, they leave. You catch up with them, 6, 8, 9 months later. They are GREAT. They are JUST FINE in EVERY sense of the word. They GENUINELY do NOT need a lifetime membership to this program, and they tell you "if something comes up, I'll be back, I promise." They have the self esteem and mental health to know that teh door is always open. Just because al anon was the solution that got me on the ground it doesn't give me the right to expect that it's the 1 and only solution for every one.

 And as for codependency as a whole? I know I HAVE the behaviors; but so long as I WATCH MYSELF FOR the behaviors, I don't need to PRACTICE the behaviors.