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Got into a great discussion with a friend today and wanted to share some of it.
In a nutshell, I was talking about how for most of my life I lived with this protective....well lets call it a nutshell!....wrapped around me. This shell protected me from the effects of the outside world. You might also call that shell a veil of delusion.
This veil was particularly useful in my relationships with people. I would let very little of the real me get outside of that veil. I projected the person I though whomever I was with wanted me to be. So I really was a like a chameleon in that aspect.
But the other part of living in my nutshell, my veil of delusion, is that I made up roles for all the people that I would let inside my world. I would assign them a part to play. Now sometimes, hmmmm, well often! the people in my world did not do what I thought they were supposed to do. For instance, my ex wife was supposed to be a loving, devoted mother and wife. By no stretch of character interpretation on her part was she to be a self centered alcoholic. No no no! Cutttttttt!!!!
As long as she was doing her part correctly my dream world was in harmony. When she deviated from her role....well.....it would cause a disturbance in the force...so to speak! And the delusional part of this thing, would be that I would just make an excuse for the behavior that was out of the character I had created for her. Just tell myself that was a mistake on her part. She missed a line in the script or something. But certainly that wasn't her. Not the "real" her.
I will always remember what it was like, the day my veil of delusion was finally forcefully ripped away from me and I was left standing, naked, in the middle of reality. Oh....my....God! I was like a fish thrown out of the water, flopping around on the ground in absolute, disbelief and horror.
As I was telling this to my friend, I asked him, do you understand what I mean?
He replied, "Sure...sounds like the Matrix (the movie)"
Zap!!! Exactly!!! I replied. It was like I had been living my life in a dream world hooked up to a computer, and having the computer finally turned off! Zounds!
Well you know in those movies, our heroes have a choice to make. Go back to living the dream, under their own veils of delusion.....or face up to reality...and live a real life.
I have made the same choice that they did, to be real.
Reality can hurt at first. Without a script to follow, without a computer generated idea of perfection, its up to us to do the work. To figure out what kind of life we want. To find our own happiness. To learn to truly love others. To learn to love ourselves and be loved by others.
I just love this "program" of al-anon. This program doesnt reside on the hard drive of a computer somewhere, generating a life of happy endings, as long as the power doesnt go off. It is a program of warm, living, loving human beings. Sharing their lives, good times and bad. Sharing their experience, strength and hope. They generate life. Life filled with reality..sometimes happy, joyous and free, sometimes having to weather temporary passing storms. But getting us through the storms with a raincoat and umbrella, and a cup of hot chocolate when we get back in the house.
I love that movie, good analogy. I was just about to post something along the same theme. I just got off the phone with my mother in law and she is extremely depressed because her life is shit. Really she has no life of her own she just pirates everyone elses misery. Her son is about to go to prison, that's depressing...Her bf of over 20 years has turned into a pain pill junkie, depressing...Her other son just got out of prison and she lies to him because she doesn't want him to worry...
Anyway, I totally see it for what it is now and I ask myself do I really want her to come here? Do I really want her help even though I desperately need help? Do I really want to deal with all the problems associated with my husband/her son and her bf? Now I'm thinking damn I'm asking for this and I really don't want it! She will be miserable as usual, depressed, her boyfriend will come and be a junkie (those of us who have junkies know what I mean), she will want to talk about her poor baby in prison 24/7...
I wish I had SOME OTHER SOUL in the world who would come stay with me and help me with the kids. I think this post was exactly what I needed to hear and that I know that I"m setting myself up for a bunch of BS. We used to get along so well but I'm not the same and I see her BS for what it is now. I see my A's pity party and manipulation so clearly now too. I feel like NEO, I was shown the real and wanted to go back but couldn't and now the old reality seems so sick and twisted!
I am so glad you posted that. It relates so well to where I am right now. Funny thing about denial for me... once I realize I am in denial about something, I am aware that something has to change. It's a one way street. For me, I just can't go back to denying it.
I can choose to ignore reality, but when I do that I know now that is what I am doing. I feel guilt and beat myself up for staying in the insanity.
I have a few "matrix moments" that I need to resolve. Some of them are very painful, but that doesn't make them any less real.
Thanks for posting my friend.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Not too long ago I was chastising myself for being such a dreamer. I was beating myself up over a situation that I assumed was nonsense and could never happen. The funny thing about being pulled out of denial is that once you get jerked into reality Hp begins to show you how many possibilities there really are in life and ya don't have to live in daydreams anymore. I still have my imagination and curiosity, but reality has just as many possibilities that I hadn't seen until Al-Anon and until I had faith in my HP.
Great post cowboy Love, SenoraBob
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Higher Power doesn't always wrap presents in pretty paper.
....wrapped around me. This shell protected me from the effects of the outside world. You might also call that shell a veil of delusion.
And the delusional part of this thing, would be that I would just make an excuse for the behavior that was out of the character I had created for her. Just tell myself that was a mistake on her part. She missed a line in the script or something. But certainly that wasn't her. Not the "real" her.
