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In my life I have always been told by my family of origin and my a to "not dwell on it, let it go, get over it, don't think about it." So, I woke up this morning at 5 am. I came here and didn't do anything stupid. But I have been thinking about "it" all day. I still have this physical feeling in my chest and stomach and it doesn't stop. I am sad. I am very sad. And mad. My lawyer finally spoke to me today and I wound up arguing with him. He said My ex is comming in today to sign the papers, As far as visitation goes he (my lawyer) wanted to put in some crap like " free and easy" visitation for the father. I said no. He explained to me why we should do this. I said no. NO VISITATION. NONE. Last year, this would have been a non-issue, 6 months ago not a problem. Today, NOT GOING TO HAPPEN!!! He has destroyed the lives of my kids with his comming and going wether it is other women, or drugs. We are done. God, my heart hurts.
So, I am thinking all day about this. About our relationship. About what has happened since March 16th. What he has yet again put in front of his kids and how there will always be something in front of his kids. I mean come on, he fell in love? So what! He was here every single night with these kids! His decision to not be. All he had to do was treat me with respect and not lie. She comes into the picture and he's all lies! And all about hating and blaming me for his relationship with his family! He's insane!
And still I am dying here. He has slept with me twice since he "fell in love". He has not told her about these times as when I mentioned it to him while she was inside he out right denied it happened!!!! LOL!!! I (having been raised in an alcohoic home) thought " maybe it didn't....." LOL! I have the sheets and scratches to prove it. OK sorry that's too much info. Anyway, I am so confused. I am sick of thinking and feeling about all of this but I can't seem to stop. I wonder if all of this thinking about it is helpful. If feeling this pain and sadness is helping it to go away.
There is nothing I have to do. There is nothing that is happening at this moment. He said to me we could never try again there's too much s*%&. My friends hate him, his family hates me. He's starting clean with this woman. No baggage. OUCH! He has said this before when he was "in love" with the first woman he had an affair with....while I was pregnant with and had just given birth to our 3rd baby. He just never wants to try. He never wants to do what it would take to make it work. He doesn't want to have to make amends to me, my family or my friends. He never has even when he was in the program working it before. I sound like a nutjob. So, there I am, what would I want with someone who could care less about me, my feelings? He doesn't care about me, he never really did. He has had this disease since I have known him. God this just hurts. How am I supposed to get over that? I gave him 3 beautiful kids, I have helped him, loved him despite it all, kept trying even when it looked like there was no way we could make it work and damn him for being him. Either way, my life has to continue. I cannot be consummed. Yet, I am. I get that this is all me and my feelings. I'm doing the best I can.
You just said it in the last line: You're doing the best you can. Sometimes I know for me when I get completely sucked in with an emotional situation, and the more emotional, the harder it is to stay out of it, the harder it is to detach. As for the lawyer, I'd let it go for awhile. Call him back when you've got a cooler head. See what his ideas were. He's charging you through the nose, after all, why not see what it was that he was trying to pitch to you? Hang in there; you're really doing great.
It is a tough spot to be in... seperation, infidelity and the kids. I have been very close to where you are. (minus the actual divorce)
It sucks if you will excuse the expression. For a while, I had to do what sucked less, and that was to get busy enough that I didn't spend every single minute of every day with that sick feeling in my stomac. Every time it came back... I just needed to get more busy.
Still doing it. It breaks my heart what this does to perfectly nice people. My AW has a heart of gold.... and she doesn't remember where she put it. Until she finds it again, she will lie, cheat and lie some more.
My prayers are with you and your kids and your A. May you all find the peace that leads to a happy life, no matter what that looks like.
Take care of you!
__________________
"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I don't know your state laws but most would insist that dad be allowed to see his children ,but because of his history i also think u could look into Supervised Visitation they are court ordered and there is always someone supervising the visit your kids will be safe and if he shows up high they will not allow them to see him in that state. good luck Louise
Serendipity, are you getting to face to face meetings? Do you have a sponsor? How are you doing on the steps? Doing any service work? Getting some reading done every day?
There is so much pain in your posts, you are caught in this awful whirlpool - and it's all about him. We keep hearing what you have done for him, all the reasons he should love you and have stayed with you - but I haven't heard one thing about what he does for you, why you should love him.
Grabbing on to an Alcoholic and allowing his actions to determine your happiness will not lead to sanity. You need to grab onto health as hard as you are now holding on to unhappiness. This means working, really working, your program. Spending healthy time with your kids. Holding tight to those who love you, and show it, by doing things to and with you that are good for you. Working on your physical health - eating right, getting enough sleep, exercise. Allowing enough stillness in your life so that your Higher Power can speak to you, and give you peace.
Remember, your best thinking got you here. Right now, you can't trust your emotions and your old ideas to lead you towards what is in your best interests.
I hate to say this, but odds are that if he was a thoughtless, irresponsible dad before visitation was ordered, he will be a thoughtless, irresponsible dad after the order is rendered. You can give him a world of visitation, but if his life is "all about him" as you make it seem, he will not act on that visitation.
As an outsider, the way I look at it, you are way to good for him. He doesn't deserve you and he probably never did. Consider yourself lucky and blessed to have those three beautiful children and start your life over -- with no baggage and none of his shi*.
I am so sorry that you are feeling this way !! It really stinks that your A has put you in this position. You are a wife that loves her husband there is nothing wrong with that . I would just tell you to pray to your HP and he will help you get thru this. I have been praying almost every minute and it works I am here getting thru this and you will too.. My heart breaks for you :( It is so hard not to allow it to take over your mind and body but you cant do that you have 3 beautiful children that dont have their Dad they can count on so they need YOU !!
Girl we must be twins! Anyway, as for the lawyer I am almost SURE he is just trying to save you some money because if you say NO visitation that wil instigate a fight and fights cost big bucks - trust me I know from previous experience with A's last ex! Anyway, do you have a protection order that covers the kids? Just wondering because that would make the issue null. Protection orders give you full custody for a year and no visitation. You can outline the things he has done to you/the kids in the request and usually can get it for free thru a DV advocate. Yes, being an addict/alcoholic and treating your family like $#!T is abuse!
As for your obsessing and I know EXACTLY how that is too! The best thing for me has been to divert my attention to anything else. Pick up a hobby that requires concentration, watch tv, see a movie, volunteer, apply for new jobs, look at places to move, paint your nails, do your hair, play a game with the kids, sign up for classes on something, get a really thick notebook and just let it all flow onto the pages, write out your goals and start working on them, make new ones that are almost impossible and keep going till you get them, go shopping at thrift stores and garage sales, call people on the phone - you can call me anytime!, go for a drive, a walk, make a dart board with his picture on it and get really good (ok maybe the last one isn't very helpful LOL) I like to watch those fairy tale movies about guys who treat their girls right and think about how I deserve to be loved like that. READ BOOKS!!! If you want to, you can fill up every second of your day with something to do and be so tired you can't think by the end of it and pass right out! LOL
