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This is something that has been bothering me, I guess maybe I have been in DENIAL about it, can't really say why, but here goes: I am very embarrassed of my AH. I don't want my coworkers or new freinds to meet him. I don't like being seen with him. There are several reasons. He doesn't shower (maybe once every other week) and it shows. I have tried to deal with this, it has been going on for awhile. He walks around looking greasy and dirty all the time. Dirty clothes, unshaven. Wears bedroom slippers everywhere. He is often angry with people. The other day he yelled and swore at a car to slow down, it was a parent of one of my daughter's freinds, we were at the school bus stop with 20 other parents watching, it was mortifying. He treats people in service badly, often complaining and bickering about the smallest things, demanding to speak to a supervisor or get his money back. He got caught shoplifting from the nieghborhood store and can't go in anymore. He's yelled and swore at me infront of the nieghbors. He often yells at the kids in public. Then there's the alchohol. The stuff that's alway's on his breath and he thinks no one notices but everyone does. The paper bags around bottles. THe way he acts when he's been drinking (obnoxious). Oh yeah, then there's the constant nodding off he does when he combines with his medication. He will stand in a store and close his eyes, drop his jaw, and just sway untill something snaps him out of it. This is my husband, the father of my children. Did I mention he is unemployed, being "let go" after taking an extended leave of absence? I am embarrassed of him, I see people give him a wide berth, then whisper as he passes. I'm not making this up, I live in a very small town. I usually respond very defensively; those people are snobs, and he may not be perfect but he's mine. But how did we get here? I've long since given up nagging, I tried to let him live his own life, appreciate him the way he is, but I have to admit, this just isn't what I signed up for!! It's like he's in this thick fog of his own making. My friends get together with their husbands & kids, that will never be us. I've become very isolated. We do not have freinds here, most people I meet shy away when they meet him. I have met some people who are not so judgemental, but rarely see them as well. He gets so anxious and angry when people are around, that I've quit bothering. I feel like I must admit this and get it off my chest. The guilt I feel is immense. I mean, he really loves me and the children, and I want to feel the same way, I just don't know if I do anymore. He is a different person now. But so am I. Thanks for listening. Jamie
-- Edited by RainyJamie at 21:48, 2007-05-09
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I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
Hi Jamie, Oh I know what you mean. I think you have a good head start by knowing you want to accept him as he is without comparing to other couples you see. My dad had behaviors that made me shudder, too. I knew I loved him without question, but I sure did not love his appearance and way of speaking all the time. Its so tough to want to protect your children what you described takes real courage. One of ourMIP members said its OK to love an alcoholic, and that provided tremendous relief for my situation you describe. Thanks for introducing this subject. All the best to you---Jill
You know, when my dad does those things, I've had to learn a few things. 1. people are not talking about me. They are talking about my dad. As much as I love my dad, and I do, he's being gosspd about for a reason. He's acting in a way that "normal" "civilized" people don't behave as. 2. it's not about you that he won't shower, eat, pay bills, change clothes, or go to work. He's in his disease. What you're watching is someone who is mentally ill live in a way that is self destructive. You don't have to feed into it. he doesn't want to shower? That doesn't mean you don't have to! He doesn't want to eat? You need to! he doesn't like the way other people drive? You can appreciate how they do. "Let it begin with me" is more than simply recovery stuff. It's also about living in a sane, rational manner. 3. It's none of my business how people behave, what is going on in their universe, or what's going on in their mind unless tehy ask me. when people say things, do things, or other things that I think is about me, I can ask what they're talking about. Generally speaking, though, when I've asked, I've found out that it's nothing about me. They're worrying about something else. Get out of the middle school mentality. Be the bigger woman. Dress with class. Let the image of yourself that we know you to be--a lady--be the one you show to everyone else, even if he doesn't show it.
You know, RJ, some are going to tell you that you must not be embarrassed or ashamed because his behavior is not yours. Yeah, right!!! Of course you are ashamed! I think any reasonable person would be under the circumstances you describe. No gettin' around it. Others may be talking about his abominable behavior, and not yours, but you cannot help but feel guilt by association. I know that.
I am sorry you experience these feelings, and I really have no advice to give you. But I surely do understand, and I hope you won't be hard on yourself because of how you feel.
Keep your head high so that others will know by your civil actions, that you are a cut or two above.
Best wishes,
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I loved my ah(sober) no matter what but when it came to the points that you were talking about I quit having him around so much. I literally weaned him from my life. If I went somewhere it was alone. I snapped out of it and said no more. This is when I got the advice "live as if he were dead" and so I did. I moved on as it sounds you are doing. The bottom line is you love him but you can not take being seen with him. You do not need the children seeing him like this either because what is it teaching them? I have three ages 7,6,6 and I had to get him out of the picture and explain that it was my job to protect them from the alcohol and how daddy was sick. I had to let my ah(sober) go. I wanted my husband back that I used to know but I had to come to terms with the fact that it may not happen and was I willing to live with this sloppy alcoholic that is repulsing me?? That's a big FAT no! Thank goodness my children never seen their father that pathedic, I protected them and kept them safe. But staying for the childrens' sake is the worst thing you can do. I would suggest making a plan just in case you do have to leave him. Find out all the services that are available to you in your state which should be plentiful. Do not leave the kids alone with him no matter what. Just make a plan for right now. You can love him all you want but they do not change for their wives or their children, they do not change if you threaten them or if you offer something wonderful at the end. They rather realize that the one's they love are gone because of the mess that they created or they keep drinking until they die in self pity. I found that if I left with him knowing I loved him too much to see him kill himself and put his kids through that then he needed to kill himself slowly all alone. During his time alone in his truck, in a field, getting bit by red ants and smelling like death he realized nothing could be this bad and what I had to offer was the better route and I made one stop by that truck two weeks later and asked "would you like my help?" and he said "thank God for you" and I said "you better thank him because he's who sent me" and he withdrew with the help of my xanax, vitamins and keeping him busy and going to meeting after meeting after meeting. He got sober. It can change....sometimes. But it's once we stop enabling them in all ways possible. Believe me, it hurts your heart. I hope you find the strength. Lots of love.
I didn't want my friends, coworkers, family... I didn't want anyone to know how my wife reaaaally was. I was ashamed and embarrassed. So I isolated myself and didn't do much else. I built a huge amount of resentments, knowing that I'd rather have been with friends doing something fun. Or really doing anything (other than watch my wife self-destruct) where I could feel something like "acceptance" or feel "respected". I just wanted to feel like a damn human, again.
Then I got to program. I didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it... from there my life got better as I worked it. She can continue those bad behavours, but that does not mean I cannot stand by my boundaries, and live my own life. And I'm starting to remember that my own life can be pretty fun and happy!
Much love, cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
For me I ended up realizing that I was partly to blame for my isolation. I do understand what you are talking about, my father would look to me and ask me if I'd tried this or that like I had some kind of power over my AH -- I thought everyone looked at me as if there SHOULD be something that I could do, it was some how a reflection of me.
I'm here to tell you it's not. You will have those who can't understand, you'll have those who think (as my father did) that there is something you can do about it but you'll also find that there are more of those who do understand if you are willing to risk reaching out.
I remember wanting so badly to have functions held at my house, groups of people over -- a big BBQ...anything. I wanted that so badly but knew it wouldn't happen. I resented my A, I resented other families for having what I wanted. I thought I can't go to this or that function, someone might wonder where the A was, someone might want me to host the next one -- so I didn't go to anything. I can still remember the excuses I told the kids as to why we weren't going to this or that.
I didn't get to know the neighbors, I remember them trying to get to know me but there was just no way I was going to go for that. One young couple moved in next door. They had an evening wedding came home and shot off fireworks with the wedding party in their front yard. I watched from the window thinking how beautiful that was, how other neighbors came out to celebrate with them, I watched from the window, my hell was all locked up in that house -- and I didn't want anyone to know about it.
Today, six years later, I love those neighbors. We are back and forth to each others homes and so are the kids. They know, they are good people who love me and the kids. And because of them I've reached out to others, it's still tough having to "explain" certian things. But I don't to everyone....not everyone needs to know. My A is no longer in our home but he's here often. It does make it easier to host B-day sleep overs and things like that, but even before he moved out, I had to take the risk of going out without him ---being social with my kids. Attending parties, BBQs, events etc...at first I'd just have to fake it until I could make it. It wasn't comfortable, I felt like I was weird LOL... but eventually I made new friends, my kids did, I let people in and found a good handful that looked at me not my A
I don't know how much this will help you, but things began to change for me when I started reaching out to get what I needed, social contact for myself and the kids. I started accepting invitations and going without the A. The more things I went to the more we got invited to things. I started to live and do things ... I quit letting his disease determine what I could and couldn't do.
I agree with Diva. Pretending the Big Elephant is not in the room is a rediculous concept. No one said we in Alanon are supposed to go out in public and be humiliated. That's not the concept as I understand it. I absolutely do not think it is middle school mentality to be embarrassed of unecceptable behavior, that is human. Some of the things you described are just that, totally unecceptable, drunk or not. Don't feel as if you have to subject yourself to it and accept it because you are an Alanon member, that is BS..
YOU ARE FREE TO MAKE CHOICES. I refused to go/ be with my A when he behaved like an idiot. He got mad, told me I was rediculous (attempted manipulation) etc. But ...it was a boundary to protect me from feeling humilated, ashamed and embarrassed.
People could tell me all day long I didn't need to feel those things, but I did, so it was up to me to create some boundaries. No one has the right to tell you how you should feel. They are your feelings alone to deal with and work through. If leaving him at home is what is best for YOU, then so be it.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Wow - I think you really struck a nerve here! Yet again, it seems we are all in the same boat. What is it with A's and cleanliness? Do they think a shower will wash the buzz away? My AH showers 1-2x per week. OUR 6 YEAR OLD TELLS HIM HE SMELLS LIKE BLUE CHEESE! He wears the same clothes day after day. I can't make him shower, but if I am going anywhere with him I insist that his shirt not have food dribbled all down the front.
I too live in a small town. It cracks me up that he has no problem buying beer at the convenience store at 9 am on a Tuesday, but is bothered when someone mentions that they see him driving while drinking something out of a paper bag! The obvious is not embarrassing to him, only the discreet.
I have distanced myself from his behavior in the following ways: he doesn't have a key to my car so he can't drink and drive/buy beer in the morning in a car associated with me. He must wear a clean shirt when out with me. I have found friends independent of the "couple" friends. I have lunch dates and play dates with them and their kids..."no spouses required" friends. We all need relationships outside of our marriages, whether the marriage is healthy or not. Set boundaries and do things for yourself that make you a better person. You can't change his behavior, only your own.
If anything that can be learned from your post is that you & I are not the only ones that live or have lived in these situations.
As I read your post, I was thinking - She is describing my life. Especially the "He will stand in a store and close his eyes, drop his jaw, and just sway untill something snaps him out of it." Because of mixing alcohol & meds.
Yes, I was humiliated many, many times. Too many for me to list or even remember. Almost 4 yrs actively working on my recovery and reading your post brings back those feelings. Guess some are healed, but some still need to be worked on.
I am learning today that it is not about me. That if people think "Poor Rita" -that is just their feelings and they can have them if they want to - I just don't have to.
When I see these behaviors, it just renews my dedication to myself. This disease may take them to h@ll, but I am not going with them. It renews my committment to my Plan B, that I will always have a way out. If I am at a "social" function, see this type of unhealthy behaviors, I know I have the ability to take care of me & leave. If I'm not in my own vehicle, I am establishing friendships with recovery people that I can call anyday, anytime to say "I'm in an uncomfortable situation, Can you come pick me up?" That I'm slipping away a dollar or two in a safe place for my emergency cash, if I ever need it. Establishing my own friends, support group and life.
This is just what I do to take care of me. Hate so much that we have to do these things, hate that this disease turns our loved ones into someone so unlike the person we really know that they can be.
Wishing you Peace, Jamie.
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
You know, when my dad does those things, I've had to learn a few things. 1. people are not talking about me. They are talking about my dad. As much as I love my dad, and I do, he's being gosspd about for a reason. He's acting in a way that "normal" "civilized" people don't behave as. 2. it's not about you that he won't shower, eat, pay bills, change clothes, or go to work. He's in his disease. What you're watching is someone who is mentally ill live in a way that is self destructive. You don't have to feed into it. he doesn't want to shower? That doesn't mean you don't have to! He doesn't want to eat? You need to! he doesn't like the way other people drive? You can appreciate how they do. "Let it begin with me" is more than simply recovery stuff. It's also about living in a sane, rational manner. 3. It's none of my business how people behave, what is going on in their universe, or what's going on in their mind unless tehy ask me. when people say things, do things, or other things that I think is about me, I can ask what they're talking about. Generally speaking, though, when I've asked, I've found out that it's nothing about me. They're worrying about something else. Get out of the middle school mentality. Be the bigger woman. Dress with class. Let the image of yourself that we know you to be--a lady--be the one you show to everyone else, even if he doesn't show it.
Ignore this!!! She is the closest one to Junior High here and thinks she knows it all. Well, she doesn't have the life experience the rest of us do. She knows nothing about BEING a wife and mother, nothing!
Agree with the rest here, your feelings are your feelings, never second guess yourself. Just spew what you got here to get it off your chest. Most of us understand.
I believe someone here owes you a public appology about not thinking out what they send in replies and how hurtful they are.
No one here knows your needs but you. Especially a college student.
Hugs, Josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
I have been where your at and feel your pain i too took on the shame of this disease and it wasn't mine to carry (nature of the beast) as my husb alcoholism progressed his personal hygein became an embarrasment to me too . I made a decission to not go with him when in this state . there was no point in asking him to clean up he didn't see what i saw. Fortunatey for me at this time I met a A councelor and was sharring about his personal appearance and he said to me , so I bet u wanna go buy him new clothes and make him look good , I said of course I do he is a proffessional and looks like a bum I was embarrased for him , at which he replied leave it alone his peers will take care of it , making him look good was a patern of mine and had been for yrs allowing them the dignity to do what they have to do is painful . Our sons also made a decission to not go out with thier dad durring this time . If we don't take on the shame of this disease people will start to treat us differently , detaching from his stuff takes along time and is hard work . Feel what your feeling and know that you now have a choice to take it on or not. Learning to set boundaries for your relationship takes time only you know what is acceptable to you . I chose to not go to restaurants with husb durring this time , I chose to not go grocery shopping with him if he was not clean and respectable i went alone . When in this state they are emotionally unavialable I have to make sure that I don't end up the same way . Just re read your post you said most people shy away from *him* that dosent mean u can't have a relationship with them . with or with out them we can have a life . I ahd a choice continue to stay isolated or make plans and go alone good ole plan B works for me . my sons were pre teen when i arrived here and we often did things alone awkward at fist but after a few trips on our own , we actually enjoy ed our selves again . Sure Iwould have rathered husb was with us but that was not an option at that time. 'so make your plans just don't plan the outcome . and remember Plan B = do it anyway . We have a choice to sit home and be miserable with him or get our lives back . I hope you are attending f2f meetings for yourself , u need support from people with skin on em . and a real hug occasionally . (hugs ) good luck Louise
wow it helps me so much to know how may of us have had similar experiences. I have been tough and tried to swallow it for a long time. I just had to come to grips with the way I felt and understand that it's ok. The thing is, I can get over myself, but I have two young and impressionable girls at home. They currently do not see either of us as something to be embarrassed of, but I know that will change.
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I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
We are back and forth to each others homes and so are the kids. They know, they are good people who love me and the kids. And because of them I've reached out to others, it's still tough having to "explain" certian things. But I don't to everyone....not everyone needs to know. My A is no longer in our home but he's here often. It does make it easier to host B-day sleep overs and things like that, but even before he moved out, I had to take the risk of going out without him ---being social with my kids. Attending parties, BBQs, events etc...at first I'd just have to fake it until I could make it. It wasn't comfortable, I felt like I was weird LOL... but eventually I made new friends, my kids did, I let people in and found a good handful that looked at me not my A 