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I really need to hear from other members, have you ever been able to be just friends with your former A? We lived together for 2 years known each other for two years after. Went through all kinds of things together. Now live six streets apart. I have gotten help with my codependency and attending Al -non. I am so much better. I know that we will never have the kind of relationship we once had. I have already told him that I will never live that way again, I don't want to marry him, live with him or have sex with him. I see what the diease of Alcoholsim has and is doing to him and his family. I love his 7 year old son. I also know that he says he doesn't have a drinking problem and will never get help. But I still would like to be his friend. Ya know maybe inviting them over for supper once a month. Having some one to just hang out with , watch a movie or listening to each other if one of us is having a problem and just needs someone to talk to. I know my bounderies and what I will and won't do for him. Is this possible? We were such good friends at one time. I know that he is not the same man that I first meet any more. But I still care about him and his family. And can't think of why they have to disapper from my life completlety. .Am I just asking for more heart ache? Please if any of you guys out there have had to deal with this I would appreicate any feed back. Thanks!
I believe that sometimes we can have certain types of relationships with people who are not "in recovery" because we are in recovery. But I also know that I can recognize some people are just not safe for me to be around. I make those decisions on a daily basis.
For instance, now that I have the tools of the program, I am better able to spend time with my AH's family of origin. I have the ability to set boundaries, to take care of myself and to have healthy compassion with these people who I care about and who have been affected by the disease of alcoholism. I can spend time with them, but not every day, 24/7 - that's not healthy for me.
It's not exactly the same as an "ex" but it's about what works for you. If you feel that you can still maintain a healthy you without getting on that slippery slope that would bring back into an unhealthy place in your life, then give it a try. I would maybe suggest, periodically doing some 4th Step work on the Relationship to make sure it stays within those boundaries that you set.
Wishing you the best, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I have not done what you ask, but if it turns out that my AW and I do not reconsile... I choose to believe that I will try. For us it is a bit different, but largely the same. We share children, so the motovation is different.
The goal would be the same. We are 2 people who have cared for each other for years. With proper boundries, and some couragous respect... can it happen? I believe it's possible. It may not be the right thing for us, but we will jump off that bridge when we get there. LOL
I wish you luck with whatever you decide. Either way we are here for you and appreciate you sharing your life's journey with us.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Thanks for your reply's. I went home and slept on it and decided maybe I need to do some more step working for a while longer because I'm not sure I could just handle things right now. He is in a bad place. I have been seeing him and thinking about him so much lately. And the pain and anguish in his eyes and his apperance made me think he needs a friend so bad. He has no friends. He has a brother who lives with him and works for him (for about 6 months). He is going to court appointed drug couseling and AA meetings, DUI school and has been in jail a couple of times for violating his probation. His daughter is a drug addict and also lives with him. I could go on and on about what is going on in his life. I guess that ole if he had me in his life things would be better. But for whom? Him or I ? So I guess I do know what I have to do. keep working on me. Let him maybe hit his bottom (which I don't think will be for a long time, if ever). I have made myself clear to him what I want and don't want from him. I am turning him and his son who I love so much over to my God as I know him. I am rambling but it is helping me. Thanks and I know that I am getting better, because posting has been a hard thing for me but I'm doing it!! Sis
Thank you for your post and your question. I am not sure that my experience is any help to you but if you don't mind I'd like to explore my situation in this regard.
I lived with my ex AH for nine years, had three children, then left him because he was unable to admit he had an alcohol problem. He was violent to me including attacking me when I was asleep in bed pregnant and with our other two children also. I left him in our family home and phoned his best friend as I felt he would need his support. I took only what i needed with me. I left him with as much compassion as I could.
I thought I could just move out a few streets away and he could be my friend, once I no longer had to cope with his drunkeness. That did not happen. He was so angry that I had left and immediately found another woman to be with - an 18 year old (he was 38)- very similar to how I was when I met him!
He has treated me as if the whole problem was me and for many years I was so hurt that he could accuse me of being selfish, demanding, etc etc when I thought he knew me so much better than that.
Every time I have asked for his help or support with our children he has turned his back. He has continued to view me as the problem and has been unable to be supportive to his children or me.
His second wife died suddenly and he asked for me. I was willing to do what I could for him. I was even willing to help bring up their child.
I have consistently refused to mix up the no maintenance issue with the access one and alll three of our children have been in regular contact with him. They love him dearly but worry about him and get no practical or emotional help from him.
Our oldest son died two years ago and when I phoned to tell his father he needed help, two weeks previously, I was told I was being emotionally manipulated. The night I phoned to tell him our son was dead he picked up the phone and angrily said, "What do you want?". In my shock and grief I had to fight the urge to put down the phone.
I found enough compassion to allow him to have half my son's ashes to make a memorial to him in his garden. He still shows none to me.
The difference these days is that I know he can't be my friend as he lacks the capacity to offer support, kindness and caring. I can still care about him and amazingly I do. I have dropped my anger by seeing the bigger picture. The last time I saw him he told me I should understand that losing our son is harder for him than it is for me. I don't think so, although I am willing to believe he thinks that is true.
So I would say 'No' we cannot be friends on an equal footing. He is too needy, self absorbed and cannot face real relationship. He will never be able to offer friendship to me. But I will attend his funeral at some point and it will be so sad that he wasn't able to show love to me or act on his love for his children. he has missed out on so much as a result.
wow...This is what I'm trying to decide in my life right now....I have a friend, been friends twenty years, he is divorced, and In the last six years we bacame closer. he is in AA, been sober for six years. We have trust in eachother, can Identify with troubles, we both suffer from. Always seemed to be there when we needed eachother. Last year we moved the friendship upto a physical one....It was chemistry between us and was gonna happen sooner or later.
We had three months like that. It was not a relationship, as we never went out anywhere. Maybe in the car, our just at eachothers house....Anyway It felt so good between us, natural, like the next step...
But he got scared, and it ended. He admitted he couldn't give me what I wanted. Which wasn't much more than we had...But he became rather cruel to me.....We have since spoken a few times, got into detail about what each of us wanted. Remained on good terms..I went on holiday for a week abroad. Since my return It's all changed again.
He wont really speak to me. He smiles, but it's like hes pushing me away. It has been horrendous for me, as we live next door to eachother. I'm smiling outside, and my heart is breaking inside.
But It's taking a long time, But Now I can see he is not giving me anything anymore. I want to know. Does he care, do I matter to him....But I'm only torturing myself...
I need to turn this around for myself....."Detach from him and Let Go".
I still feel we are meant to be together, but maybe just not right now. I'm hoping this gets easier for me from day to day....
Alcoholism sucks:::::::
Please protect your heart...It gets too easily broken.
My ex-wife is not an A. We have been divorced a long time. I would not say we are friends. Not enemies, but not friends... friends are people I do things with and correspond with regularly, and share stuff about my life with. I don't do those things with my ex, and she does not do them with me. We see each other in passing only.
We were casual friends for more than a year before we began dating. I guess I hoped that we'd be that way at some point - but that was early on. It hasn't happened, and I no longer wish for it. We simply have nothing to talk about.
I remember sending her an email some time in the first year, when we semi-regularly exchanged emails and did a post-mortem, or tried to, on the relationship. I suggested that we wait 5 years before talking about it any more and maybe bring it up then, if there was any reason to.
That was 12 years ago.... I think I have my answer.
I know many people who are friends with their ex's. I could not be. If things were bad enough for me to leave then seeing that person for me would just bring back those memories.
I have friends who are wonderful friends with their ex's. I guess it just depends on the person.
lilms
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Two things: 1. Recovery is a process, not an event.....and.... 2. You only get to go around once. Leave em laughing and make it worth your while
