The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
For those who know the rest of the story... I was online last night messing around and looking online at court stuff checking out my husband's next date, charges, etc. I decided I'd look for other ppl with the same charges and guess who I found on the list? The girl he had gone to jail for assaulting a few months ago. She is facing the same charges...
First my stomach churned...then the rage started coming and then I started thinking. I thought about how he had spent the night with me and then probably the very next day was with her. I wondered was everything he said to me a lie? Was that night a lie was he just wanting a warm bed? I felt totally used, disappointed once again, ANGRY!!, and a tad bit vengeful/spiteful. A good nights sleep has made most of it go away. So here are my two questions that arose out of this.
One...How do you EVER really know if an A/Addict Loves you or if they are just saying/doing what they need to do to get what they want? I believed he loved me but this girl seems to keep reemerging in the picture so apparently he has chosen her along with his deteriorating lifestyle. HOW can we ever know that they are being real? They are such good liars!
Two...I was in total acceptance of his choices and situation and now I feel - I guess the only good word is ENRAGED!!!! Although not so much now as with the initial realization. This new information has changed my whole attitude! I want my peace back!
My initial reaction was - I want him to know that I know (still lingering in my mind) I want to live well to spite him (working on that one) I want to write a letter to her saying ha ha b!***! (I know better but it's fun to think about).
Thinking honestly to myself, although it hurts I should just try to increase my emotional distance from him. I should just do nothing and just forget about him. File for the divorce in August and be done with it done with him. Oh how I wish I could have the eternal sunshine of the spotless mind! Then I think I don't want that because then I might just do it again because I wouldn't remember what I have learned as a result all this pain and misery.
Hate that you have discovered some news that has temporarily affected your serenity.
When this happens to me (and it happens some days more than others :) ; when I have had those overwhelming feelings to write those "angry" letters and tell a few people just exactly what I think of them. My support people in recovery (sponsors and others) have suggested that I write those letters - we like to call them F U letters (please excuse my language).
After writing that letter then, I destroy the letter. Burn it and ask my HP to help me heal from the anger and the pain that is written on those pages.
Don't know if you would be interested in giving that method a try, but it really helps me to get out the initial anger and pain. Then I can start working on processing the other stuff to know if there is other action that I need to do.
Just sharing what is working for me, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Are you ready to quit rubber necking yet? I'd pray for the girl. I mean, you KNOW what kinda guy your ex is. Birds of a feather flock together. You gotta admit that this girl ain't got the highest standards--and she's in the same legal tar pit he is! I feel sorry for the girl myself. She's in active disease, she's dating an alcholic, and she's in legal trouble--and she don't get it! She's still diggin her grave! I feel sorry for her. If writing a letter is gonna help you get past this, by all means. WRite until you run outta pens with ink. But if all you're gonna do is keep rubber necking, you may wanna pitch your computer modem.
I guess my question would be, why were you searching out more info about what is going on with him? Does that affect what your plans are or did you set yourself up for more heart ache?
It's really difficult to detatch and let go. Sometimes we cause our own pain or make it greater.
Keep your focus...What do you want to do with your day, you can start it over right now.
Dear Carolinagirl - I completely understand your actions.....searching for more incriminating evidence to pile up with the already huge pile of incriminating evidence. I do it too. Almost like I need one more piece of info to help me get over my AH. Just one more bad thing and that will be it. But it never is. I still keep that eternal hope that he will wake up one day and say "Whoa! What have I done?" Then turn around and be the man he once was before the alcohol and drugs took hold. Ya know, it is almost as if I am ADDICTED to him and his drama. Like my life is not complete unless he is making me miserable. Reckon we need to break that chain girl. You and me! Break free.
Take one day at a time. Before you know it, August will be here and that will be when you have to make your decision - divorce or not. Honestly, I don't see the point in stressing over it right now. It is too easy to change your mind....one day-divorce, the next-work it out. Back and forth. It is torture. I do it to myself every day.
Hang in there. We are here for you. You are in my daily thoughts and prayers. Sincerely, QOD
I don't really have anything to be jealous of. She is now behind bars with him and I'm free and getting on with it. Don't know why it bothered me so much I guess I felt betrayed once again. He was with me and then jumped back to her. I didn't think the relationship was that strong I suppose. I don't know I am pretty much at the point where I don't care. I guess if it was really an issue for me I'd be dwelling on it a heck of a lot more. I wanted him I didn't do anything I didn't want to. I guess this is about my expectations, hopes, etc. once again!
