The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Just wanted to share a little bit about boundaries. It's not my favorite topic but seems to be the most demanding aspect of my recovery right now. I do believe HP is challenging me to step it up in the boundaries department not just with my AH, with my kids, my job, and myself. I have been realizing my limitations more and more as the weeks go by and I'm seeing myself put me first instead of the AH. He hates this and would love nothing more than me to go back to that martyr, slave in my own home wife. He has been gone for 4 weeks and in that 4 weeks he has challenged me a few times. I have had to use boundaries on our visits on the weekends because he wants to prolong his visits to an ungodly hour so that I get too tired to take him back to his apartment. ( I know his tricks) Not going to happen. Over the last 4 weeks I've seen him vaccilate between taking responsibility for his addiction and his behaviors to blaming everyone and God. As I see this happen I feel bad for him, but at the same time realize HP cannot work in his life until he is fully ready to give up his will and his care to his HP. I am not all that comfortable with setting boundaries, never have been, but because I no longer wish to put myself out over my AH it has helped me to say No. No really is a complete sentence. I still get that upset feeling when my AH gets angry with me because I refuse to do something for him that he should be doing himself, but then I try to let it go. After 4 weeks I know deep within me that I made the right choice by asking him to leave. He still has that A thinking that he has not figured out yet.
I pick up my van today from the body shop!! Yeah!! He has the guts to get upset because I immediately won't put gas in his car so he can drive on it all week. I said if you want it fine, you have to put gas in it yourself and pay the insurance on it. He asks people to pray for HP to reveal himself to him, and HP gives him two great choices this week, one a job interview and the other he gets an opportunity to get his car back sooner than expected and because it doesn't fit the way he wants it to in his life. (With me footing the bill for gas and insurance) then it couldn't possibly be HP's way of saying here ya go. A's are never satisfied are they? Reminds of that story someone posted about the husband who asked his wife to cook him breakfast eggs,bacon, toast etc. and he looks at her and says the eggs were cooked wrong. My AH will always find something to complain about. It could rain gold and he would find something that was wrong with it.
I also found a church that has a strong recovery program and went on Saturday evening with the kids and AH. We had a good time. AH of course had an issue with it. (Suprise suprise).. Everyday I feel stronger and stronger and HP is giving me the courage and strength to set these boundaries. It has done a world of good for my self-esteem. I feel like I'm living again and the more negative AH is the less time I want to spend with him or talking with him. His negative attitude just drags me down and shows me that he still hasn't gotten it yet. Just wanted to share that for those that struggle with boundaries like I do, one boundary at a time. Have a blessed day
Peace, Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
I think you are doing so great. I thought as I read your post that for me boundries are an evolution. No matter how big or small it is likely that people will not like us having them.
Keep on rocking... I leart alot by reading of your progress. Thank you for sharing.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Wow! You are doing an awesome job there. I too found/find boundaries very difficult. As I'm getting stronger,I'm finding myself more willing to actually stick to them. Before, I would make a boundary and then move the goalposts to accommodate everyone else,thereby negating any effect I was trying to make,and allowing others to walk all over me,yet again.
Not so much now..........I'm learning and getting stronger every day.
I'm learning to think things through really thoroughly now,then decide what to do,and stick to it. A far cry from the days when all I was doing was reacting to one crisis after another and getting myself in a tailspin.
Those are excellent boundries. And they're not outta line, either. If he wants the privledges, he's gonna need to take responsibility. He does wanna be a daddy, doesn't he? Does he assume being a daddy is all about playing ball? Really proud of you, kid. Keep it up/
One thing I read recently which really struck me was the notion of being really grateful when the A behaved normally. That was so few and far between. In some ways I am so grateful to be not negotiating with the A. At the same time while I clean up the mess that the A landed on me I am still in some senses in contact with him. I have options and I like none of them. I did not really want to take full responsibility in my part of staying with the A before. I just wanted the A to get better and take care of me. He never did. Now I have to take responsibility it is so so painful.
I lived with an A for 7 years who insisted everything be his way. I also lived with the chronic resentment and anger that bought me. When I finally got to see him as really ill some of the resentment and anger left. Of course I also see myself as ill because I put up with it didn't I. I did everything I could for him and very little for me.
I am thrilled for you that you are setting boundaries and seeing the A's childishness. In some ways I have been so so angry about this homeless couple who turned up with the A (and still live with him). In other ways in full flood there is his life in la la land.
I love hearing your strength in all your posts. You grow with every step you take. I tell you this in each of your post, sorry but I really am proud of the progress that you are making for you and those children. Good girl!!
I have enjoyed reading your posts over the past (getting close to 2 years)--I believe we found this website around the same time--give or take a month. Anyway, it just amazes me how you have grown and how mature you are becoming. And isn't it so true that a's are never satisfied! You reminded me that I really need to continue to work on my boundaries. My ah is not active right now--and I try to be so happy with him not using/drinking I still look over things that hurt me and I shouldn't allow. I do believe I am going to step it up!!
Not going to happen. Over the last 4 weeks I've seen him vaccilate between taking responsibility for his addiction and his behaviors to blaming everyone and God. As I see this happen I feel bad for him, but at the same time realize HP cannot work in his life until he is fully ready to give up his will and his care to his HP. 
He has the guts to get upset because I immediately won't put gas in his car so he can drive on it all week. I said if you want it fine, you have to put gas in it yourself and pay the insurance on it. He asks people to pray for HP to reveal himself to him, and HP gives him two great choices this week, one a job interview and the other he gets an opportunity to get his car back sooner than expected and because it doesn't fit the way he wants it to in his life. (With me footing the bill for gas and insurance) then it couldn't possibly be HP's way of saying here ya go. 
