It seems like that's all I do, complain :)
It's been awhile since I've been on, we lost our internet for awhile.  I guess it's just the same old same old going on here.  I have a friend at work, my first in several years, and we've been able to go out a couple of times, just the girls, which was nice, because I haven't done that since we got married.  My AH seems very jealous of her.  He hadn't said much until a week ago, just looks and the way he said things to me.  But last week, he said to me, "I expect that you not tell ... anything about our personal life.  I don't care if you're friends but I want to make it clear you're not to talk about things that go on in this house."  Then he got mad because I got upset at that.  He said "I've been with you for 10 years, and you've had other friends that come and go, and I don't need you telling someone who will just be gone soon anything personal about us."  I don't even know what that was supposed to mean.  I haven't told her much about our life, definitely haven't told her that he's an alcoholic.  I think she senses that I'm not completely happy, but she has enough problems of her own, so we talk about that.  She needs someone more than I need someone, so I mainly listen.  And we laugh.  It feels good to laugh.  I need to laugh.  I didn't become friends with her to spill everything.  I don't want people to know my h is an a.  I'm having problems dealing with that, and what it looks like, especially because of our professions.  But that's another issue that I'm working through :)  Even though I had no intention of telling her about him, it really ticks me off that he tells me what I can and cannot talk about.  Who does he think he is?  I haven't admitted to anyone else (except for on this site) how I feel and the problems we are having.  I need someone to talk to, and it upsets me that he forbids me to do it.  The other day he was trying to access my email, and I changed my password to something he didn't know.  He got very upset and started yelling, saying I'm hiding something from him.  I told him that I'm not hiding anything, but I would just like something is mine and only mine.  I don't have online relationships, or real-life relationships that I'm hiding, and I really resented what he had implied.  I finally started yelling, and I said that I belong to this site because I need someone to talk to, and that I use that email to correspond with others.  I said I'm 27 years old, and I had my own email and that I shouldn't have to explain myself to him.  He just got all gloaty (if that's a word) and said, "see, you were hiding something.  I just think we need to be honest to each other."  Yeah right, this is coming from the man who quit his job forcing me to go to work while pregnant, because he was caught drinking at work, then flat out lied about why he left, and continued to lie for almost 2 years about it.  And the man who hides beer cans all over our room and tries to hide the fact he polished off a 12 pack.  And he has the nerve to talk to me about honesty.  Sometimes things seem to be going so well, and I resolve myself to accepting the fact that he's an a, and enjoying my nights while he's upstairs instead of wallowing in self pity.  Then, there are other nights where I just don't know if I can keep going like this.  I really needed to vent tonight, because it's one of those nights tonight.  I had a really crappy day at work, and he knew that, but yet didn't bother to care enough to ask why.  Which upset me, but not too much.  But then later, my oldest son came downstairs crying, because his dad wouldn't take him to a special craft making thing at his school.  And it was a craft for mom on mother's day, so it was supposed to be a dad/kid thing so I couldn't take him.  That's just so wrong.  That probably would have been the only mention to me about mother's day from anyone, but that's not what upsets me the most.  I just can't believe he told him no.  He's only 7 years old for crying out loud.  He just wanted to do something fun with his dad, and he said no.  So now, he'll go back to school and hear other kids talk about it and then feel even worse.  Sometimes I feel like I may as well get divorced because I feel like a single parent most of the time anyways.  Well, I've been ranting for about 20 minutes, so I'm sure this is super long.  Sorry, but thanks for listening!