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Dear all, I am angry at the AH good bit of the time when he is sober. Some of the things are very trivial and he is not even aware that I get angry. Some examples are eating too loudly, walking faster than me and not appearing to care, suggesting a restaurant that I don't have an opinion on but it was not my number one choice, then later, I am angry for not choosing the restaurant myself. I am probably sounding ridiculous at this point. Most of the time my husband is not aware that I am angry and I don't think he is intending anything mean. He is focused on himself as I need to be focused on myself. I have always been the compliant follower in the relationship and am finding the push pull of my new way of being to not be easy. Asserting my need at times can be uncomfortable especially when I think he is angry for my asserting myself. I tell myself that I am powerless over him and though I can understand the idea in my head, my emotions are still lagging behind. I am still afraid that I asserted myself and feel guilt and fear. I have put this into mini 4th steps, but I suppose I am really not willing to let it go. I am not even sure I know what I am saying at this point. I am working on prayer but seem to forget when the anger has taken hold. Thanks for reading. Goldie
Me too, but I'm, calling my feelings anxiety and fear, I'm feeling new feelings too and jsut like everything else I'm over alalising them, I think my A is ok with my new approach I think it's more to do with me and how I learnt to over react to everything really, I think I need to accept feeling less, is the new feeling more and thats ok.
I have simular thoughts and feelings. For me, when I tried hard to be honest with myself, it wasn't my AW who was doing anything to "make" me angry. I was getting angry for not standing up for myself and doing what I wanted to do. Lot of "I"s in that statement.
I have come to an agreement with myself lately. I don't always stand up and do what I want, and while I am learning to get better at it... I promised myself I would try to give me a break for not being perfect ... yet. Ha ha
Thanks for posting and I am glad you are here!
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Prior to recovery - I was one angry woman. After working thru Steps 4 & 5 - I know that the basis of the majority of my anger was fear.
Do you know what your anger is about? Yes, I agree with you, a 4th Step may help you know what your true feelings are. Am I really angry at the A? and What am I really angry about? Like Rtexas said, is about not standing up for yourself? Is it about not taking care of your needs?
Sometimes writing an amends letter to ourselves is also a good start. Saying that I apologize for not being able to stand up for you & will try to do better next time can be very healing for that inner child.
Wishing you peace and comfort as you working on healing, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
You don't think your making sence ? u make perfect sence to me . (which may or may not be a good thing ) Anger is the most common feeling for those of us who live with alcoholism . As u stated yourself u do have the answer ,u need to speak up and let husb know that u would rather go to another restaurant instead of being resentful and not enjoying the sober good times . You have a right to be heard . You don't say if your attending meetings for yourself ,they are a perfect place for you to work thru the anger with out hurting anyone ,just to talk and share whats going on with you with people who will actually listen is a gift one of many uwill find in our program. We have a slogan here that changed the tone in my home when practiced . HOW IMPORTANT IS IT? The eating noisily , walking faster etc these are very small and not really important in the grand scheme of things when u let go of the obsession these will be trivial . I understand the little things that bug yu I have been there myself many times but today they are simply not worth ruining my day . I pick my battles today . I was also reminded by my sponsor that I needed to accept other peoples defects of character, when i asked her why > she said well obviously u expect them to accept yours. hmphh !! Seems one of my biggest was being judgmental . = go figure. goodluck talk to your sponsor get rid of the little things and go home with a solution . and enjoy !!!! We cannot keep them sober ,nor is it our j ob but by changing our attitudes we may be able to encourage them to continue . I was told that an A hasn't a hope in hell of staying sober going home to an old idea . I was the old idea - we all have to change not just the alcoholic. Louise
abbyal, how do you learn to stop nagging when your trying to be heard, how do you learn to say what you mean without saying it mean? I'm getting lot's of the peices of the missing jigsaw but this is a biggy for me, communication? I talk at him and not to him, I need to change this, it's not a nice defect to own.
Looks to me like the anger is not about the things you think it is about. You might be angry at him, you might be angry at yourself. It may be worth seeing a counsellor about this for a bit - get some questions asked that would get you on the right track.
As for "how do you learn to stop nagging when you're trying to be heard" I think it's not being heard that you need, it's being listened to. He knows what you think, he knows what you want, he just chooses not to do it. Will saying it again make any difference? Eventually you stop talking to, and banging your head against, that brick wall, and go do something else.
I currently live in a house with a woman who is a codependent. I find her getting angry at me all the time over trivial stuff. I know I did this to others. The anger just spills out everywhere. The issue for me is that I don't have that much to give at the moment. I would like to be friends with her but I also just don't have the energy to be boundaried as I need to.
The irony for me is that since leaving the A I have found myself less and less angry. I ate slept and weeped anger before. I was always on edge, always ranting now I am not. I can't say that you "should leave" because believe me I still get upset when people tell me I "should" anything. At the same time I do know for me it is a process, leaving is just part of it. For me moving on will be another part.
