FEELING VERY CONFUSED TONIGHT - Al-Anon Family Group

ally · ~*Service Worker*~

FEELING VERY CONFUSED TONIGHT

debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Ally, you love your husband. That is a fact.

However you hate the disease, that thing that takes over and he is hidden somewhere inside the same body.

All those awful things the disease made him do, you hate.

But becuz the disease is in the same body as our loved one, it is so darn confusing and horrible.

It is no wonder we are so torn.

When I started saying the disease did this or that, and separated the two, it was so much better and easier.

Now after years of it, the insanity, Loving a man with more than one personality, I am off the roller coaster. The last switch from my loving husband being "out" becuz he was 100 days sober, in jail, to the horrible A being at another womans apt, saying to me nastily, "what are you doing here" gads it was HORRIBLE.

That is too much for me. I cannot be around people who are kind and loving one minute, then the next an evil demon. NO thanks.

I still love him so much, still grieve every day and night. But will not drink that first drink, in other words will not call or go see him or anything as it would all start again. The last time hurt me so badly I never want to go back. As good as it was, it was not worth ever going thru that sticking a sword in my heart and twisting it every again.

Same as the A, when they are in recovery, they had to be sooo miserable, that they don't ever want to go back there again.

It is ok to be mad, and it is ok to be mourning the man you love. It is very confusing.

hugs,debilyn

kissers · Senior Member

Hi Ally,

The loneliness and heartbreak seems like it will never go away. Here is a response to a question from a woman who was looking for love. I hope it may bring you comfort.

Hugs,
Kissers

Recognize your beauty,
recognize your worthiness,
recognize the kind of friend that you are to others,
and recognize within you the availability of your emotions
and your willingness to share them.

After reflecting, ask yourself how much room you give yourself to express your emotions fully. Acknowledge this beautiful aspect of your nature.

By creating self-honesty within--meaning honestly appreciating all that you are and honestly acknowledging your emotional capacity to feel and connect--you can now embrace and love yourself. You can affirm what you want in your life. Say to yourself, "May I have this, or something greater, or something more expansive. May something equal, or richer than I am capable of imagining, come back to me."

Declare this statement as an affirmation, OK?
First you are acknowledging what you wish.
Then you are affirming gratefulness for having it.
Next you declaring and anticipating that you can attract what you desire.

Now look outside of yourself and ask, "When people come into my life, do I compromise who I am?" If a relationship begins to come into my life do I compromise my emotions? If so say, "Wait a minute. What is it that I am compromising?"

Identify it and then give what you wish first to yourself.

As you give it to yourself, you will begin to feel better. You will be able to look towards another person and say, "These are my feelings and these are my needs. I do not know if you are able, I do not know if you are willing, and I do not know if you are capable of acknowledging or supporting what I have communicated. If you are, that is wonderful. If you aren't, just let me know so that I will know where our relationship exists. I can honor that".

Now what you have done dear one is created personal empowerment. You have created a place where you are empowering yourself and you have created a place where you are empowering the other person in your relationship. Therefore, you have built a foundation for co-creation that is empowered.

Now, sit back and allow time to manifest more of what you have declared. You will gain a clearer idea of how this person is going to fit into your life. Are they going to be just a friend, are they going to be just an acquaintance, or are they going to be a long distance neighbor? Now that you know more of what you want, hold this awareness within you and declare it as yours. Then watch and see who shows up.

You may keep doing this over, and over, and over again until you attract what you want. Yes there is practice. Yes you are going to go through a few frogs. OK? Frogs are our way of creating a Prince by getting better and better at knowing who we are and what we want. A Prince is not a myth. You can have your Prince. It is when you put your Prince on a pedestal, is when you get into trouble.

So dear one, given all that you are--with your beauty, your humor, your intelligence, your brilliance, and your emotional desire to connect--you will create a partner. Recognize that it is within the timing of what you declare. When you get it in your being that you can have it, a delightful love relationship will come. Just watch where your thoughts dwell.

Rita G · ~*Service Worker*~

((Ally))

Sounds like you are grieving the loss - which is a very painful place to be. During that process, we feel all those emotions, pain, sorrow, lonliness, emptiness, etc. Keep posting, attending meetings, journaling your feelings and doing lots and lots of self-care.

Nah, I don't want to go to "hate" either - for me "hate" is just denying my true feelings for the A's in my life - Cause I don't hate them. I love and care for them. I just am working on loving and caring for myself more.

Remember although you still have feelings for him, your HP is bring you to a place where you love Ally enough to do what is best for Ally.

Wish I had the magic words to make the pain go away, but we all know there aren't any. Just give yourself a ((hug)) and look in the mirror and say "Whew, me & my HP made it thru yesterday, help me make it thru today" and prayerfully the days will begin to get a little easier.

Wishing you peace,
Rita

agatha · Veteran Member

Ally,

I too am grieving the loss of what I always hoped my marriage would become. Maybe this is the beginning of finally accepting the reality of the relationship instead of continuing to live in denial, thinking if I try a little harder, wait a little longer, pray a little more, he will become the partner I always hoped he would be.

I understand how easy it is to second guess the decision to finally move on. It's such a huge leep of faith and it takes so much energy. It's hard to let go of the dream of the happy family and growing old with these guys but I realize my reality if I stay is just growing old alone with a fantasy. Not a partner who is conected to us. Maybe if I take that huge leep of faith my world will open up and I just might find that partner I've been dreaming of. I want it to be him. He's still my friend. Maybe it will be him down the road or someone new, or maybe I'll be just fine on my own.

I need more in a relationship than I've had the last twenty-four years. I've done all I can. It's time to let go and let God.

Trust your Higher Power.

maresie2 · ~*Service Worker*~

I grieve the A daily. There were good times. Tomorrow is my birthday. Last year he gave me two cards with I love you on them. I forget what else he gave me. He had no money of course because he'd spent it on drugs. If he said he loved me I'd forgive him anything. I would do so much to try. I think I tried too hard personally. Now I have far far far less tolerance for bad behavior. I set boundaries, I make space, I watch for the signs. I was like a naive teenager with the A. I remember when he disclosed some stuff to me I did not know how to respond. I could not see it as a red flag I just went straight into denial. Now if someone disclosed stuff like to me I would set distance but then I was committed. I committed day one really. I never allowed myself an "out".

Maresie.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.