The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
How does life get here. My A. I love him I do, but, I'm tired, I have no self esteem left, I doubt my friends, I doubt my life, I doubt myself. Leave him, Leave him, leave him. I hear that so many times. Well that might be easier if a) I didn't love him b) we weren't married c) I had someplace to live d) I had money Maybe he's right and something's wrong with me. Maybe that is why everyone else likes him except for me. Maybe I should just let him tell me that he's better than me, and I wouldn't be anywhere with out him, everything is because of him, everything belongs to him, I don't do anything, his job is more important that mine. Maybe I should just let him tear me down again and again. Maybe I should let him get in my face and say what he wants (even though half the time it doesn't make any sense) let him yell at me and get hurt again and again. What is wrong with me? Why am I a failure? Why am I being punished? What have I done so horrible? Why can't he just love me?
You are NOT a failure, You are NOT stupid, you do NOT deserve all this treatment... You are being punished because YOU let him do it, only because you don't know how to stop that yet...
You are a loveable human being, you are caring, and most of all you are very sensitive, overly, most of the time....THATS out problem.....
I wish I could fix all your problems, but all I can do Is offer you some wisdom.
Please keep comming here to the board, we also have a chatroom, and meetings twice a day.
Come join us, and we can show you together, how to begin to realise your worth.... Also If you can get to a face to face meeting....That gives you human comfort.
Al-Anon is a wonderful programme, we find, courage, and strength, to build out lives up again, after all the pain we have been through..
Sorry you are hurting so bad. It is clear you are tired and unhappy, yet you have decided to stay in the situation you're in for the moment. Can getting away from your husband be as bad as staying with him? Yes, it will be painful and a hassle to change your situation...but think of all the things you could gain by it. Why don't you try and find the ways you could change your life, and explore the options, rather than just considering the barriers? Do you have any friends or relatives you could stay with? Are you happy in your job? Maybe you are too good for your job, and you could try finding something more challenging and better paid. What options do you have financially? You deserve to be happy, you deserve to LIVE your life...you talk about being punished, but don't punish yourself either, by continuing to stay in a situation that your heart has been telling you to get away from. Best of luck, and keep coming back, Lena
Hate that your life has been affected by this awful disease, but so very glad that you are seeking help for you.
Just to share briefly about how I got to a place to seek help for myself . . . my Alcoholic/addict husband was (after 10 1/2 yrs of active drinking/using) 6 months sober and actively working a program of recovery; we were seperated and out of our home and we had very little contact.
Everything that I knew would make my life better, had happened and guess what - I was still MISERABLE. Why? Because I had been affected by the disease of alcoholism. I personally had been affected long before I married my H, but I also had been affected during those 10 plus yrs of active drinking/drug use in our home.
I needed help to learn to heal from those wounds.
Al-Anon meetings, reading recovery literature, working the 12 steps with a sponsor, talking with other members & MIP is what is helping me walk this path of recovery.
Hope that you will continue learning about recovery for You.
Don't give up before the miracles happen in You - You deserve them.
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Welcome, and no, your life does not have to be this way. The tough part is that there's nothing you can do or say to stop your alcoholic from drinking or using drugs or saying insensitive or cruel things to you.
However, and this is the god-honest truth, YOU can change. It's a bright world out there, and you've just not encountered it yet. Alanon is the starting place that worked for me. I hope you are able to reach out and get to some meetings, and certainly keep posting here even if you're just venting to get the feelings out.
What your alcoholic is saying to you is NOT TRUE, and yes, we are the types to be very sensitive, open to other's input about ourselves, and too willing to do for another rather than ourselves. I know I have been beaten down over and over again by allowing my alcoholic's crap to 'get' to me.
He's my husband after all . . . I should be able to be safe and loved by him. But we are married to husbands or S.O.'s with a serious disease that affects their entire being, and they are miserable from it. The misery is rarely attributed to themselves, but blamed on the one closest person worst, and everyone else too. He's wrong, and he's sick. So are you, from living with it, dealing with it, and trying to make sense out of why he just can't be a decent loving partner.
He can't, that's the whole point. As sick as he is, he can't just love you. It's beyond him. But we love you already, and we know what you're going through more than you know. Please consider going to meetings, reading on this forum and posting whatever comes to your mind. We really do want to hear from you!!
I could have written the same exact thing, my ah says all of that too. He can't just love you, his disease won't allow it. He brings you down to justify his poor behavior. Believe me I have heard it- What do YOU do? You do nothing. I worked for all these years, where were you? Blah, blah, blah. I got a job-guess what, then it was not good enough, too low pay for him, but good enough for me(his words). According to him, I have never contributed to anything in our family.
I know it is bulls**t. Do not let him bring you down. You have to build your self up! You made a great step coming here. You are worthwhile. Do not allow alcoholism to defeat you. Life is too short. I made a plan B for myself nearly 3 years ago. Small steps. Worked in a daycare to pay for computer classes. Accepted a pretty low paying job to gain experience(but it has the flexibility for my son). Tomorrow morning I am going to accept a full time job with a great company and benefits. Do you know what my ah said when I told him I was offered the job-"Oh, that's nice, but I got a temp job today on my first interview,I don't know what's wrong with you that it took them 2 weeks to get back to you" No interest in me at all. I've accepted it. I just can't get him out of the house. He goes to AA and still drinks. Only now he has the advice of the ones who went before him...threaten to take the kid and cut off the credit card...don't leave this message was left my mistake on my answering machine instead of his cell phone.
