The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
One thing I am aware of is how little patience I have. Now that I have decided I want to sever all ties with the A I want it yesterday and then some. I have to go to court to get the truck back. I also have to go to court to appeal the rental issue which seems to say that I have to pay rent while he remains in the unit. There is nothing fair about that. Indeed I will probably have to pay money he was supposed to pay in the first part of this year in order to get this off my record. Another nail in the coffin of this relationship.
One thing I am certain of is there will be no more messes after this that I have to clean up. This will be it for me. The idea of not seeing my dogs again nearly kills me. I can only manage it one day at a time. The A continues to say he does not know where he is going. He has packed most of his stuff and put it somewhere. Most of it is hundreds of miles away where he planned to move and hold me prisoner psychologically. He demanded I was supposed to give up all to be with him and settle for being last as usual. He would constantly remind me that he did not care what I wanted or needed. This move has been one of them. He has never consulted me on one issue. He prefers to defer to his new friends.
I am more and more aware of how the A acts out then demands I take care of him. I was addicted to his dependency and his need and the sense he would never leave me as long as I was "there". The issue is that he was never "there" for me on any level. Another issue of course is that he lies about every single thing and is always developing relaitonships with other A's that take priority over everything and leave me out in the cold. Some partnership, it is and was the dictatorship of substance abuse. I don't need to be there anymore. Nevertheless right now I am paying the price and will pay the price for years in terms of ruined credit and more. But emotionally I am no longer paying the price of fear, trepidation, anger, grief and simply unbearable frustration. I do not live in that 24/7 anymore.
I do live in grief, rage and "why" still. There is no sense at all to his behavior except that he cannot stop lying, acting out and using. That is the only reality there is he definitely cannot stop for one second. I can still be back there trying to negotiate and I know where negotiation goes into one more cycle of more loss for me.
So I am in a hard place but a new place. I am in a place where I can envision life without him. I cannot envision it without my dogs and I fear for them. I fear for me more. I think at the moment the dogs would be better off in a shelter than with him. I never thought that before. His decline is astonishing. He is non functioning, lying, self absorbed and every penny must be going on some substance. He is at great risk.
I am no longer as focused on him but focused on me and my future and my life. There are moments when I enjoy life and savor the moment. I had very very very few moments of enjoyment around him, I was always in fear and waiting for the shoe to drop. I was also always in waiting for the next crisis.
I have had to give the A to God. There is nothing I can do for him. He will only strike out at me and damage me if I go to him with my concerns. I am no longer willing to endure that. He has destroyed so much of mine. He destroyed the relationship too what there was of it. He continues to destroy all possibilty of negotiation or compromise. That is his choice and I am no longer willing to try to interecede with him. He will have to live with the consequences of his actions now. I do not.
You are doing great. Taking the initiative to understand what needs to be done to protect you... and doing it. I have felt a lot of pain in your posts, but maybe this is just like a workout in the gym... little pain now, heath to look forward to.
I admire how you are handling all this.... its so helpful for you to share it with us.
Keep taking care of you, you deserve it!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Maresie it seems that you are at "the dropping off point". That point where you stop...and make an attempt to turn your life around. This is also the 4th step starting line; that line we approach with the question, "what the hell did I do to get into this situation and remain until I had nothing left."
The forth step; Made and searching and fearless, moral inventory of ourselves.
When he is out of the picture there you will be and you will not be alone because the family will be with you as you start to discover the one person you have lived your entire life with and maybe didn't know anything about.
I shared at my morning AFG meeting that the first time I read the 4th step for real...the pronoun "ourselves" turned the spotlight on me and I felt very uncomfortable...very. I was where you were at and then she was gone and I was still screwed up; mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually. I had to own it. That was mine. The 4th step eventually led me to the one person I never held responsible for my condition and the inventory process continues to save my body, mind and soul.
You will be okay and then you will be better and then you will be better than you ever imagined possible while at the same time having the same opportunity to turn it all to ashes but not the compulsion.
What Jerry said, lol. I feel the same, just didn't have the words. You are doimg great! As karilyn says, stay strong. I went through much the same when I got my divorce, Even though he bought the house across the road, I was able to let go so well. 1/2 the time, I forgot all about him! I'm serious! Better days are coming, my friend. I guess my ex decided he couldn't harras me any more, and moved thousands of miles away. Good ridance! Maresie, maybe you are right about the dogs being better off away from him. He is so self-absorbed, with the 'poor me ' syndrome, he probably isn't paying much attention to them. Would you be able to get someone to look after them till you get your life sorted out? When my Mom had cancer, I moved in with her, with my kids till she was gone. I had a little dog that we adored, but her immune system was so bad, we couldn't have pets. My ex eneded up giving her away. It broke my heart. It wasn't till years later, that I thought of someone who would have gladly kept them for me. My mind was in such termoil at the time, I didn't think of her. Praying for you and your pets. with love, TLC
