The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It's been one whole year yesterday, since my A h put down the drink, for the first few weeks we had a honey moon period, and it was looking like we were going to have the man, husband, father, we alway's wanted, I thought he would be sooooooo happy to be free of the addiction he would start to live and enjoy his life and family, he had the time now and at that point the past for me was over it was a new begining for all of us. Gradually old behavours started to return, I couldn't understnad why, and I reacted to those behavours just as I had when he was drinking, I was in Alanon too then and as much as i read as much as I understood although I could seem to hold fire a little longer eventually I would explode. Towards the end of this first year I have had a million emotions running through my head, asking myself is this as good as it gets, because it's still a roller coaster ride, we have been emotionally drifting apart for months now, we can't communicate, we have no physical realtionship, I'm still deeply shocked and saddened when he verbally attacks our children and me, and I don't understand why he lashes out and hurts the people that love him most. We've had a right time of it of late, I have tried to suggest a separation but he either agrees and say's yes that's just what he wants too, or he tells me he is leaving us, and just when I prepare myself for this he comes home loving and kind and acts like nothing has happened. As time as gone on I think in my heart I am sick and tired of being sick and tired, and would love a life where this isn't all consuming, yesterday I went for a coffee with an Alanon friend, my husband has always been a functioning a and for 20 ish years when he left to go to work or to drink, I would just sit and wait his return, the first time I went out for me while he was home alone was to Alanon once a week last year, it felt like I was a naughty child but it was freeing and it gave me confidence, my a has alway's worked Saturdays untill lunch, it has become the norm that I stay home untill he returns and we then decide what to do, in the past I have asked could we please have a Saturday you don't work, but nope, so anyway, he was reluctant to go to work yesterday he said he would like to have a coffee with me in town, I thought crikey, I been here all those years you never wanted to do that before, but I thought to myself hold on a minute are you trying to manipulate me again, well I did go for a coffee with my friend, and my h he came home from work early, another first, and he phoned me to ask how long would I be, well I didn't rush back to him, but I felt angry I guess, that he was hassling me, anyway I went home and I told him I was unhappy with our life together and that I wanted us to separate, I didn't like that we have huge problems that never get spoken of and I can't do it without his partisipation, and since he never does I feel trapped and alone. So he listened and he was kind, and agreed, and I was shocked and we went out together in the afternoon and had a lovely day, and I just wonder if, we are both adapting to eachother really, I am becoming a stronger person now and I'm stepping out, I'm confronting him head on with issues that don't sit well with either of us and although he's struggling to accept what he's hearing he's actually taking notice, and this morning I like this person I married.
You are teling my story only a few yrs. back. When I got "busy", meaning took control of my life instead of letting alcohol rule my world, things changed. As I started to make myself do things I hadn't done before my A took notice. I think when we change in that way and it's a bit scary for the A. They have assumed we would always be there for them, patiently waiting. When that is no longer the case it gives them pause. They learn that just maybe the sun doesn't rise and set when they do.
I recall leaving one night to have dinner with my sponsor. My husband said "what am I supposed to eat?" LOL, had to laugh at that considering he used to be a chef when he was younger. It was just a manipulation and guilt tactic. I just said "I'm sure you'll find something" and kept on walking out the door. I could just picture the "HUH?" look on his face.
The thing that I saw happening was that when I wasn't there and was making a new life for me, full of fun and friends....He started to look at himself. I caught on to this early and managed to be gone at least 3 nights a week. I went to local hockey games with a friend, took walks in parks I'd never been to, found meetings in different areas and towns, went to concerts and plays etc. Luckily I live within 30 min. of a big city that offers all kinds of things to do. I had lived here 15 yrs and and never done them because my husband was usually drunk or drinking.
I made a list of the things I've always wanted to do and crossed them off one by one. I even found an awesome place called "The Soul Esteem Center" that is just awesome. It's not organized religion and is just what I needed.
Keep doing what you are doing and have some fun at it! There's life out there!!
take care, Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Hi Kati , your husb is still in what ai call Stark Raving Sober mode , they don't know what they want , heads all over the damn place , irritable and discontent just dosent describe the moods . Patience is the key word , keep working your program get some boundaries in place again for your relationship ,thisi prog works wether they are drinking or not . best advice i got here was to treat him as IF as if he were drinking which simply met use this prog in all our affairs . leave his moods with him where they belong don't take them on , detach and let h im go where he needs to go. Remember your not powerful enough to make him drink , walking on egg shells is alot of work , and only makes u sick . You don't say if hubby is going to meetings for himself , if he isn't your living with a dry drunk. this damn disease sits and waits for a weak moment then it can start again full force. Speak up when his behaivor is unexceptable it's important that u say whats on your mind . Say what u mean , mean what u say but don't be mean when u say it . We have a book called Living with Sobriety it is awsome it will help with some of what your going thru now . also the Dilema of the Alcoholic Marriage is awsome has so much on communication . good luck hang in there and keep the focus on yourself . Louise
