I went to see the A the other night.  He is surrounded by people who are obviously intoxicated.  He is sitting in an empty duplex with two dogs who are so scared they look like zombies.  The dogs know something is going on and they are frightened and upset and depressed.  They are being fed and attended to that's about it.

He sits totally self absorbed in poor me.  If I say something to him I am harassing him.  He is no doubt using every penny on some substance to shore himself up.  In the past I would have laid myself on the line and helped him.  Now I do nothing but the situation hs ripped me apart.  I fear for him. I fear for his own safety.  The Sheriff coming to evict him is imminent.  He is so far in denial he thinks the landlord is his friend.

His friends (the drug dealers who live in their car in the driveway) keep going on and on about how wonderful it was to fill up the skip for the landlord.  Talk about psychotic behavior. The issue for me is that it reminds me very much of my parents who were people pleasing to the point of psychosis they regularly lost their selves in others.  They would so crave approval and recognition they merged with anyone and everyone.  Then they felt betrayed. They had no ability to self reflect. The A has no ability to reflect on anything. He sits in reaction, depression and anger simmering and I feel he is at great risk.  At this time I am no longer willing to reach out to him.  I am in the process of ending all ties with him.  I guess that is something some of us have to do.  I feel I have to do it because his actions have affected me so gravely.  In addition he no longer has the ability to reflect reality so I cannot go by anything he says.

Last night i found myself in great fear and trepidation so much so that I got to the point of being physically ill. All I could do was to turn it over. I gave it back to God that is and maybe all I can ever do for him again.  I have no doubt there is nothing left for us.  I fear for him but I am no longer willing to help on any level the price for me is too high.

The pain I have been in this week has been enormous. Of course I know I am also at great risk. His denial about eviction is tremendous. He blames me for everything wrong in his life.  He is paranoid and angry and explosive.  I have never seen him this low.  I know his use of substances to manage it must be considerable.  I also know when he has been in similar states he has ended up in jail.

There is nothing I can do but pray.  Nevertheless on the urging of my counselor (since I feel the sheriff probably came today and dropped off teh 5 day notice) I am going to stay somewhere else for a day or so.  I am in the process of trying to dissolve various legal quagmires that is exhausting in and of its own.

I know also I am turning to a new chapter in my life.  I can vision a life without him and I could not do that before.  I can also vision a life where I let go and let God.

Maresie.