The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am having a really challenging day...This morning I went to the GP's. (Docs)..Signed myself off the sick after 4 months..I will return to my job next week.
Then I went into town to see my manager...I went in feeling great, confident with no aprehension at all....BUT, It didn't go as planned. I was told he was surprised I was returning to work...He was also glad....We talked about when I would return. I work split shift, 4 days on, 4 days off..Anyway we decided I could return as 2 days first week, 3 days second week, 4 days third week.. to get me back into the way of it... And that I could work with someone for the first few days...
My day went right down hill from there.... I asked him WHY, I needed a shadow. He said for support. Then I surprised myself, I let him have it. I told him no way did I need a babysitter, I had been doing the job for 9 years, I knew all the patients, their needs etc..This person has been covering my rota for 4 months and he wanted me to go out to work with her, for her to show mw how to do MY job....I got angry, I said to him, "have you ever suffered depression, low self-esteem, low confidence etc. I said I have Fought my way back to where I am today, and I am insulted you are even suggesting this.... He said 4 months is a long time to be off. And I said yep, and If I wasn't ready for a return I would not be here.....He said I am supporting you here, I said do you not think I am capable of doing my job??
He said of course I do...So I said, well hows about throwing me down some trust, and let me prove to you, I do not need someone to hold my hand..... He then replied, What if you need help out there.....I laughed at him...I said well!! I have been out in the community more than one occasion, and been under pressure, Where was your support then...lol (Go Ally) For the FIRST time in my life, I did not lie down to someone in authority..I stood my ground.....It felt brilliant NOT to be someone's doormat. I am returning to work, because I feel ready...I have enough confidence in my ability to do my job...And I will not ACCEPT, anyone trying to make feel intimidated....Also If I went out on a shadow, I would get questions, where have I been, what was wrong with me,,etc...I told him I did not need that. I wanted to go out on my own, and get back to normal.
I am waiting on a decision....If It comes back as I need to go out with someone, well that needs to be thought about...I will NOT back down on this....
And tonight I am feeling really low, and tearful, also I am struggling to let go of the man In my life....When I am busy, I try not to think about him. But tonight, I am realising how much I'm missing him.......I am giving him space, I have not been in contact, because I realise he Is struggling with who he is, and maybe by us having the relationship, It has opened up questions within him too....So we both need time to work on our own programme's...but OMG, There is so much pain within me tonight...I am crying right now, and I had not been doing this... Also the fact we are nextdoor to eachother is torture for me. I don't know about him..Is he feeling it too. I WISH, It was possible for me to just up and leave, but unfortunatelly, It's not.....
Anyway, I know the programme, I have committed myself to a f2f group, to help teach others about it, where I can...So I can not afford to slip back to where I was... It's just so hard for me right now...Outside I'm growing like a rose, and everyone is noticing it.....Inside my heart is breaking...
Last night I listened to a share at f2f, this woman had lived 40 years being abused..And I know how greatful I am that I have NOT lived that life...I had tears when she was sharing..I felt her pain.......I know there is ALWAYS people worse off than me......But In my life I have pain...And I think no matter how bad, we all suffer in our own way...
GO ALLY! Just remember, HP is with you. Let him help guide you. Everything has a reason for happening. Maybe you are looking at this the wrong way. If you have a shadow, then you have someone to help you, maybe a new friend. It could be a good thing. Get your work done faster. Either way you go, all you have to do is show your boss you are ready to be on your own by doing your best work, right? I live next door to my A also, and I know it can be extremely hard not to be with the one you love when they are so close. I struggle with this one daily. Take care!
Everyone has their own style. I am not sure what you do? If you do work along with the other person, maybe you two will learn from each other.
I do understand how you must have felt. Maybe you can think of how it would be either way.
Be resilliant,teamwork is important in our working careers too. You have said how you feel. However, he listened and sounds willing to rethink what he said.
If it does not go how you want, your willingness to go ahead with it with a good attitude will show a lot how "well" you are.
If he chooses to do as you requested, I am sure you will do fine.
I think you are doing awesome. Good for you for standing up for yourself. If you decide not to "back down," you are totally supported in your decision. Just be really clear within yourself that this is the right thing to do. Maybe some meditating on it? HP does work in mysterious ways, and maybe this is just a new window opening...
These are the times when we need HP most...and when HP is there for us...
Just wanted to give you hugs, hang in there this too shall pass. Good for you in standing your ground with your job. I think its important that you validated your confidence in going back to work, it shows fortitude and integrity. Hope your boss sees that he has a gem on his team. As for the man... I know how you are feeling. I miss my AH too, and some evenings I get so lonesome for him. Just having his presence in the house, his smell, his arms around me at night. I miss that, but I don't miss his moodiness, his using, the chaos, and the uncertainty around him. It is such a double edged sword is it not. Sure I would love to hold on to those good parts of him but not without seeing the unacceptable behavior. For so long I turned I tried to ignore it and go on with my life, just loving him for who he is. I do love him dearly, but when his addiction forced its way into my domaine without my permission and nothing I could do to stop it, I had to pull out the stops to say hey what a minute this is my life too, and just because you are making unhealthy choices in your life doesn't mean I have to suffer.
I will keep you in my prayers... keep up the good work, your efforts and committment will pay off. Peace to you tonight Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Sounds like you are somewhere in the medical field . . . somewhere :D . . . my last boss could be condescending at times, it was hard to tell when he was genuinely concerned (I managed 25 employees, on call 24/7, hiring and firing and putting out fires). I was rarely "right" in what I thought he was thinking.
Possibly your boss is merely a bit overly concerned, but he/she doesn't know where YOU are coming from after your leave. Perhaps you can come to a win/win with your boss, so he feels his responsibilities are covered and you can do your job without being shadowed? I know I would feel ashamed of being shadowed, as well as misunderstood, besides it being unnecessary.
It doesn't hurt anything to go slow. When they see you kicking butt like you have for the last nine years, the shadow will likely find a more interesting job :D .
I see your spirit coming through your post, and applaud it with everyone else! It says a lot about how much better you feel about you.
I am proud of you for saying your piece, but like pls said, perhaps your boss was offering some transitional assistance. It's taken me a LONG time to say "yes, I would like the help." I am no longer "I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME ROAR." From your post, your boss "seemed" caring and to have your best interest at heart.
Last year, I heard from a new boss that "I had way too much energy." My first reaction was like yours, only I shared it with a program friend first. My second one was "well if you'd get off your @ss and pick up some slack, I wouldn't have to have "too much energy" ROFL ~ I realized however that perhaps he just might have food for thought.
Love ya, yourUSA
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
