The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today is not a good day. I keep trying to turn my thoughts over to my HP. It works for a little while and then I am back wallowing in them.
I see my A son getting worse. He cannot deal with problems he has and believe me they are mountains for him to get over. We make plans to help him get some things cleared up and he never follows through with them. Then, I have to apologize to my husband because he thinks it is something that we should not do but does it to relieve my mind a little.
What I really want to say to him is "we cannot be there for you anymore because it is hurting you and not helping you". "I am so very sorry that you have this horrible disease but you are the only one that can fix it."
Why is it so hard to to do when I know it is the right thing to do. I think I have such a fear of him hitting bottom that I am horrified to let him do it. His bio dad's bottom was death at 51 years of age. He was totally ashamed of him to the point that he would not want to visit his grandmom who was my ex's enabler. My fear is that he is taking the same road. The biggest difference I can make is to not be there for him. I know that but it is so hard. I am sure that many feel like...I will help them this one last time...but that one last time just keeps coming back.
This is where I have a hard time thinking about Aism as a disease. I do know it is though. If he had cancer I know I could do nothing that would make him recover, But...if it WAS cancer then I would be there with him as much as possible, making things easier for him, making sure he was comfortable, bring him home to take care of him...etc. With Aism, I am told to not do any of those things for him to recover. Him, being my son, he will always be a part of my life no matter what happens. Even though he does not live with me I cannot somehow get him out of my life like I did with his A father. I went on to fall in love and enjoy a normal life with my husband of 33 years now and he has been doomed with this disease. And who knows if his children have been.
It is truly hard for a mom. I wish that I could let go of him like I did my first husband. It is not right under my nose daily but it might as well be. Sometimes I feel I will never have any peace in my life dealing with this. I think about it when I lay my head on the pillow at night and I think about it when I put my feet on the floor in the morning. The only relief I get is when I see a glimmer of hope for him which is not too much anymore.
Sorry this is so long but I just needed to get it out in a safe and non-judgemental place.
I so completely understand where you are. For me it was easier with my Son than my AW. I guess all situations are a bit different. We love them, we have spent their whole lives trying to do what's best for them.
All I can say is the world they live in, is not one we understand. It is not one where we know "what 's best for them".
Some people interpret what's in the literature as "do nothing", but I am trying to wrap my brain around it saying "Allow them to be an adult and take care of themselves... even if they don't do a great job at it for awhile."
It is so hard, we want to help, we want their pain to go away. When I feel the pain you feel right now it has way more to do with me feeling guilty for not being able to "fix it".
I am praying you come to peace with your roll in things as you and your HP define it. You are always in my thoughts.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Sweetie, hate so much that you are feeling so much pain. It is a miserable place to be. And I agree it is totally different emotions when dealing with an alcoholic/addict that is your adult child rather than your spouse. For me, it is harder to set boundaries, to maintain a healthy distance and continue to work my program.
What I keep reminding myself is that what I am doing is the Help she needs. My healthy detachment and stepping out of the way of her disease of alcoholism/addiction is like chemo or radiation to cancer.
It's not that I don't love her, care for her, pray for her, even talk to her when she is not under the influence. I just try not to enable, fix or solve her disease.
Just last night my daughter & I had a phone conversation. She talked about changing OB Dr's because the old Dr was compassionate about her physical pains, nausea, etc. The new Dr. had called out RX's for her and she liked him so much better. I quickly changed the subject. To me this is unhealthy addict behaviors - I can't discuss that with her. I started talking about stuff I wanted to buy for the baby. This I can do without enabling.
Maybe can you try to start listing what you can and cannot do, maybe what you are willing to try not to do, what you know you shouldn't do, but just haven't developed the strength to stop doing yet. This may help you get a feel for where you are in your recovery and help take the focus off of your son. Then you can look at where you are at and seek your HP's guidance in what you can do next to better take care of you.
I share my e,s, & h, for this is what I am working on - so many things that I know I shouldn't do, but yet haven't been able to stop yet - Progress Not Perfection. Hey we will work on these together right?
Love & Hugs, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
The worst thing you can do is get between an alcholic and their bottom. If saying what you need to say will help you feel better, than say it. It's time for your son to hear the truth. It's time for him to know what's really at stake here. No more rescuing. No more intervention. No more. As an old timer said, 32 years continuous sobriety, "I was a problem to my family, the law, the medical profession, and any organized institution. But until I was a problem for me, I kept right on going. The only way I became a problem for me was when every organized institution stepped outta my way, every family member let me go, and every body else just let me fall and hurt like hell." Let him hurt. Then he's gonna get it.
I know now the only thing I can do is say I love you I hope you get better. Every now and then I have been confronted with a choice to help the A but I only do it if it benefits me somehow. I picked him up a few weeks back and let him stay the night and he gave me most of his paycheck. If it was bailing him out NO if it was giving him a ride on my time NO if it was accomodating him seeing the kids NO if it was him coming to my house for any reason other than to go get me some money the next day NO!!! I have found that to work for me. If I want to do it I do it. If I feel like I have to do it I DON"T DO IT!!! That's the difference to me.
I have wondered how you were doing. I'm so glad you have posted.
I wish I had a "pat" answer for you. I wish I had a pat answer for me with my own children, but I don't.
I also see my children seemingly going downhill. It's a heartbreaking thing for a parent. Absolutely no one else can understand if they have not gone through it!! All the advice in the world means nothing if you haven't walked in our shoes. Even when we do go through it, everyone is different, every situation is different. God is the only one who knows all.
My heart breaks always for my children. It's part of being a mom. Right now, all I can say is that I make myself take only one day at a time. I surrender them to God daily and ask for godly wisdom and guidance in all things. That's basically all I can say right now.
Take care of you!!!!! Let go and let God. Know you are not alone and you are in my prayers daily!
