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My AH never made amends to me. Of all people in his life, the mother of his child, the woman who was his friend/lover and wife for way over thirty years, never received one.
He even made amends to his horrible dysfunctional family members who surely did not even appreciate it.
I am curious, have any of you who's A ever was in recovery get amends???
Well, yes, kinda. When he first sobered up, he told me a couple of times how deeply sorry he was for the hell he put me through. And, since then, with some notable exceptions, he has tried to make amends by doing better - making tough right choices, trying to avoid falling back into old pattterns, apologizing when he does (sometimes).
Of course, it wasn't enough. I realized that what I was waiting for, deep down, was an apology that was as full and deep as the pain. Somewhere inside of me, I was waiting for the "Mar 27, 1987 - I snapped at you unfairly because I was hungover, I apologize. Mar 31, 1987 - showed up late for dinner because I was drinking, tried to divert attention by compalining about the food. That was wrong, I am sorry. Apr 4, 1987...." full disclosure, no holds barred, complete and entire amends and apology for all time.
This, of course, is nonsense. I doubt if he remembers 3/4 of the things that I remember. I am never going to get an amends that makes up for the pain, the tears, the wasted years, the broken trust, the happiness that we could have had... It's not possible - it would mean grovelling for 20 years. He wouldn't do it, and I wouldn't really want it. To me, it was helpful to acknowledge that this was what I had been secretly waiting for, and that there was not a chance I would ever get it. This made it possible to move on, give it up.
Hi Deb , well for the first 15 yrs of sobriety a formal amends NO , not the kind I imagined anyway but today feel that he made amends every day he has stayed sober and made our life better ,by changing his attitude and making a concentrated effort to improve our relationship . Last yr we had been married 40 yrs and I got this beautiful framed amends which now hangs on our wall . He made it himself on the computor , it is a licence from the * Most Unlikley To Make It Marriage Bureau * , he thanks me for the patience , acceptance and loyalty that I have shown over the yrs and thanks me for waiting for the real him to show up. Not the romantic amends I thought I needed but was great for me ! Husb also gave our sons time and permission to ask anything they wanted to know about the drinking yrs he answered all thier questions what they were I don't know as those were private conversations between husb and our sons . But I do know that both were really pleased with the conversation they had with thier dad. Sometimes all a A can do is just not drink .
I have quite a few As in my life, at various stages of the disease and recovery. In my opinion, few make it to this stage of recovery. Most (in my life) seem to battle for years with sobriety, drinking, trying to not drink, relapse and even worse.
I have no doubt some work the steps, but some just remain dry drunk. The As that I know don't seem to ever get to this step, sadly. AM
Seems as though he doesnt feel he owes me an apology... so he probably will never make amends with me... Its weird, we spent almost every single day together for a year and yet he may not feel that he did anything wrong to me that would justify making amends... Funny part is, he has made amends with all his previous girlfriends (even if he was with them for 2 weeks) He never even made amends with his own family! Yet these other people deserve his amends? Its just bizarre how the alcoholic mind thinks!!!!! If I ever did something to hurt someone, the first thing I'd do is apologize to them. I guess thats how the non-alcoholic mind works!!
Don't hold your breath waiting for your A to make a formal amends to you. You may turn blue!! I think that a lot of A's think they dont owe anything to the people they are/were closest with! We just get to put up with all the crap until we finally decide we've had enough and move on and away from a source that always brings us down.
-- Edited by HEARTBROKEN IN NJ at 21:38, 2007-05-03
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Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want, doesn't mean that they don't love you the best way they know how
My ex-wife who has been in AA for nearly a year longer than I have been in Al-Anon has not made amends to me. I have gone and made my amends to her and did this early on in my own recovery. At that time she listened and said I am not ready to do this for you. I told her, this isn't about you...I didn't come here for that, I came here for me to make my amends!
But it REALLY bothered me for a long time. I would think, Boy! she is not EVEN working her program! When is she gonna come see me? When I would see her at recovery functions and I would here her talking about the things she was doing..how good things were, how she made 12th step call this or what ever, all my mind would focus on was..yeah biaatch! but you still havent made amends to me...so shaddup! You aren't working your program!
Then when I really looked at that step and see the line "except when doing so would injure them or others"...well I knew she had an out then!!! She could always say she was "protecting" me from further harm by not making amends. And of course I remember her asking me once "Do you believe I would do things to protect you?" And me answering of course. What she was at that time I later learned....was she was lying to me about having an affair because the truth would hurt me.
Any hooo, I talked to so many people about this. But the most help I got was from people in the AA program, as far as seeing her side of it.
And I now have come to a place that I know it just doesn't matter if she ever makes amends to me or not. That is HER deal not mine. What would it change for me at this point? Nothing. So what if she comes and say's she regrets, blah, blah, blah. It changes nothing.
I have taken from this program that the 9th step is for me. Not for the person I am making amends to. It clears me of the crap that was held inside of me about things I did to someone else. If they receive some relief from my amends making that is excellent! But if they don't, if they don't even remember the incident, if they refuse to "accept" my amends, it doesn't matter for me. I have done my part.
Truly it is THEIR loss, not ours, if they choose not to come make amends to us. It is they who choose to continue to carry the issues within themselves. We shouldn't help them carry it by continuing to dwell on those past wrongs they perpetrated on us either. We need to forgive, whether they ask for it or not.
The A's in my life have told me these things in an effort to make "amends" many, many times . . .
I'm sorry I didn't mean to hurt you I was wrong I don't deserve you You are too good for me I lied I'm never going to do that again blah blah blah
All these words really mean nothing to me. These words have been spoken many, many times and then the very next day or maybe the very next hour the same unhealthy behaviors or active use took over their lives again.
For me, I really don't want to hear the words - I would rather see the actions. Part of the problem in my relationships with the A's in my life is that they would like for me to base my opinion on their words or intentions, but I go strickly on their actions.
For me actions speak so much louder than words. Yes, I know the words are nice, soothing and sometimes comforting - but to see the actions of an A doing these things . .
Remaining sober Practicing a program of recovery Participating in the financial responsibilites of the household Being a parent to our children Maintaining a job Being a healthy compassionate part of our family And a list of many other things
These are the "amends" that I wish to see and sometimes get to enjoy with the A's in my life. I would love to tell you that is a continual thing, but we all know that relapse can be a major factor for them. So, I enjoy and cherish the times of amends, of healthier behaviors when they happen and then the times when the relapse occurs, I try to Let Go & Let God and usually come here for the love & support.
Just my e, s, & h - (whew this ended up being a lot longer than I planned - oops)
Hope everyone is blessed with a day of Peace & the ability to find joy in Today, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Not me..... At my ex A's one year cake celebration, she acknowledged pretty much everybody EXCEPT me, which was perhaps kind of the final straw for our marriage, as I look at it in retrospect. She made amends, both public and private, to other family members, the kids, her friends, etc..... But I guess there was simply too much hurt and bad stuff between her and I..... For a long time, I wanted to hear them, but they never did come. She's five years sober now, so I'm pretty sure I shouldn't be holding my breath for those amends to come anytime soon, lol.
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I received amends from my alcoholic mother, after we spent years of fighting about the past and bringing up things we both did. The last 5 years of her life i spent with her that way she was sober but dry in the last 5 years. I received it when she got cancer she would bring up things with me and we made amends, just not in the way i wanted to recieve it. Hope this answers your question doesnt really matter much anymore, all of it doesnt matter at the end of ones live i have learned, it matters how much we love ourselves and then the others.
kerry
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Life can only be understood backwards, But it must be lived forwards
Yes, kinda. One time he did apologize for whatever he had done. He didn't have a clue what he was apologizing for, but said he was sorry for whatever he had said or done. The way I see my A, is like Jeckyl and Hyde, as two completely different people, and one doesn't even know who the other is. Sober, I couldn't ask for a more wonderful man, drunk... well, I guess ya all know about that! I remember one time I wouldn't let him in the house. ( The one boundary I absolutely insist on is he can't be near me when he is drinking). After he had sobered up, I told him even He wouldn't have let him in! (and the sober him wouldn't have!) So, I don't believe I will ever recieve formal amends, but for me, his sobriety is all the amends I need, and at the moment, he is sober. Just my ramblings, take what you need, and leave the rest, Love TLC
My recovering AH seems to think that just saying he is just a sorry sob is amends. I think that is one think I am resentful of right now. I know it's not something that I should focus on and if I get an amends I should be thankful and if I don't then I just don't, but it still hurts.
