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My oldest daughter (12) told me a few days back that my middle child has been stealing money out of my purse. Soooooo as a result I have been paying extra close attention to my cash.
This morning I get up and all my cash is gone - six dollars!
I have 3 children and witout fail every one of them will say they didn't do it!
I called the elementary school and went there this morning and searched the middle (7) child's bag, coat, pockets, etc and asked classmates if they had seen her with money. She was clean...
Then I went down the hall and checked the youngest (5) child's bag, pockets, etc and asked if he had seen anyone taking money. He was also clean...
This leaves the oldest (12) who was going on a field trip today with her class to Myrtle Beach. She is the one who had been saying the middle one was stealing which now makes me think maybe she was just trying to cover up her earlier thefts. She had five dollars of her own for the trip before taking my money.
Needless to say I'm ENRAGED!! And looking for some advice on how to handle this situation without having CPS come to take her to live somewhere else because of the beating!!!
I have some punishments in mind already. I also have the advantage of knowing that she will not talk to the other two in advance so she will not know the events of this morning.
Looking forward to any advice, experience in this arena, etc.
My kids are all younger but at 12 she's old enough to know that stealing and lieing are wrong. She would get a good talking to, then be grounded and she'd have to pay me back + interest (like a fine). Either working it off doing chores around the house (in addition to any chores that she may already be responsible for). He life would be "hell" for a week.
Breathe - Yes, this is a very upsetting situation. Have been through similiar things with the girls - Hate that you are dealing with this - Seems like we never get a break - huh?
My suggestions would be possibly write down some consequences that she may suffer because of this unhealthy behavior such as she may be required to do extra housework, odd jobs to pay back the money taken, or this weekend she is unable to participate in a fun activity because of the damage it has caused the budget. Maybe just try to have your thoughts in an organized manner. I know when confronting my girls - the drama went wild, but usually if I could stay calm and present my case (so to speak) to them matter of factly - it usually went a little smoother.
If she is twelve, I believe she is eligible for Alateen. I heard an Alateen speaker this weekend that talked about some of the acting out that he did because of the anger he had inside about all of his family members that drank or used drugs. It was very powerful. If no meetings in your area, I believe there is a forum for Alateen here at MIP - maybe she might be able to reach out to someone there.
Best of luck - Will keep both of you in my prayers, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Carolinagirl, My esh on dealing with kids though i never dealt with that issue with my kids when they were growing up...i can share with you what i did do when they did something they shouldn't of. First i did take a deep breath..didn't want to be angry and say something i wished i hadn't. I found if i approached the issue calm...it was better for me and them. I would let them know I knew what they did. I would ask them why the did it. If they were old enough I would ask them to write it out for me. Give them time to think. I would ask them how would they feel if I did the same thing to them. After that I would let them know how it made me feel. In your case it's how you felt going into your purse and finding the money missing. And how it felt when you were lied to. How important it is that they tell me the truth. I think you can be honest with a 12 yr old and tell them truth is important for trust...and right now the trust you had is broken. It will take time and actions to build that trust up again. I would also tell them there are consequences to their action. The consequenes would fit the action...like paying back the money via extra chores...ammends to the siblings they lied to. Keep calm...i know it can be difficult when dealing with your child at times. I would practice saying what i wanted to say before i would confront my kids about their behaviors. Don't know if any of this helped...but it did work for me. You and your children are in my prayers. your friend in recovery, rosie
I worked with kids at risk. This was almost the norm in my classroom.
If I were you I would put the kids in the car, go somewhere like a park or just do what you do for fun.
I would say hey guys I had six bucks in my purse, which one of you guys needed some money? Then don't wait for the answer, If you need money let me know becuz I will need to get more cash, and need you to ask me first.
Then say the older girls name, girl did you need more money for your field trip??
worth a try. If you take the fear out of it, it usually works. Then you can take the child aside and talk about it.
What is making her feel like she has to steal.
I was so embarrassed in junior high becuz everyone wore panty hose. My mom would not let me. I finally took some of hers.
I felt awful but the humiliation of wearing knee socks was awful.
When she talked to me, and I told her what made me do it, it made us closer and she helped me get some of my own.
It is not the act so much as it is what is making her do it? She has to be in a mess or really confused how to get what she wants or needs.
There was a time when all my siblings and I had our hands in our mother's purse. We were devious little stinkers, always setting eachother up or convincing our mother she had spent the money. Who would expect this from such young children? Our mother didn't stand a chance. Out of all of us, I was the most lying and conniving. Nowdays I wont keep a wallet lost on the ground and I (never?) lie about anything. There was nothing anybody could do about this, I came to this behavior change on my own. Sorry I can't give much maternal wisdom, just my own experience. Jamie
P.S. I agree with debylin, keep your calm. We used to line up with our hands out infront of us while someone searched our rooms and punnishments lined up. Nobody ever confessed and in general theese occaisions were negative for everyone involved.
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I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
I totally agree with Deb & RJ. Great advice! Also I will not punish unless I have proof, as I remember my brother getting blamed for stealing money that the A had stolen.
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Yeah, I'd try not to go ballistic, but instead see what is behind this - if she is normally a good kid, there is a chance that this has more to do with stress the family is under than anything else. Drag it all out in the open, including letting her know how it made you feel, expecially the lying. She is old enough to understand that you are vulnerable to lying, because of what you have been through, and that this hurts you. Be prepared to maybe hear some things you don't want to. I tend to ask my kids what they think their punishment should be - "What would be a way for us to be square again? How about trust, what is a way for you to help me be able to trust you agatin?" And have a few ideas ready, to present as possibilities. A 12 year old is old enough to understand that you are not just Mom, the authority to be rebelled against, but also a human being who deserves to be treated well by those who love her.
I remember when my father (the A) and mother took my brother to a center because he was stealing. He was acting out the anger in the family. He couldn't verbalize the hurt, so he acted out. Her behavior is hurting herself more than anyone else. Have you tried Alateen? This is just my opinion from experience. I will keep her in my prayers.
Both my children did this, it is upsetting, I remember my eldest boy took all the newsletter coppers which was really irritating, keep calm and try to reason it out with her, I got nowhere with conflict, both boys now are now fairly honest I hope!
First and foremost...be completely sure that she is stealing from you before you concoct any punishments. You say you are "enraged," and enraged is not the emotion you want to feel when you ask her about the "crime." You must be calm and collected. Also I think bringing the possible infraction to the attention of school mates is not a good idea. This is family business, and not the business of others who have no tie to it. I am sure things will work out. While stealing cannot be tolerated, this is not the worst thing in the world. Nipping it in the bud now is the right thing to do; just be careful how you handle it. Life's lessons are necessary for most kids growing up. I am not sure this merits putting her in the "child at risk" category. This will pass with proper handling.
Diva
-- Edited by Diva at 11:19, 2007-05-03
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
