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i just feel like i can't do it. i can't get out of bed, or get dressed, do the house stuff. i'm wrecked. where is my choice here? i don't want to be like this. i don't want to keep calling him. i want to stop crying. but as hard as i try to stop and go in a better direction i'm not. i feel like i've lost control. of myself. how do i get it back? i'm scared and mad sick. i was doing so well for so long what changed? why am i doing this to myself? i prayed so hard last night for God to take this feeling, this insanity. This can't be love that I'm feeling. What is it that makes me behave this way. I haven't been like this since the last affair and even then I wasn't this bad. or maybe i was. and still i call. he finally shut his phone off. but he didn't for so long. probably so he'd have a record of my insanity. this just isn't fair. I never cheated on him when we were married, and when we were seperated and even going thru the divorce i didn't get involved or date because of him, respect, fear and the kids, i didn't want to confuse them. I want to come clean with the kids and tell them that i didn't want any of this ever. all i ever wanted was to be a family and i did everything humanly possible to do that and their \father is the one who left over and over again. not just me but them also. did he really think he was going to leave here where he was all about me and us being a family into a new relationship and the kids would be ok with that? or that it would be good for them?og please God someone help me. i've lost my mind.
All I have to offer you are things that sound like cliches, but actually aren't - they work.
The first is - get your butt to a meeting. If you have to drive to another town to get to one, do it. You need flesh and blood people around you.
The next is 'fake it til you make it'. Start acting like an emotionally balanced person. (Sorry if that sounds like a slap - it isn't. I've been that mess, lying in the bed wanting to pull the walls down on me, and no, it's not balanced) This means taking care of yourself, taking care of your kids. Building some life into your life - exercise, eating right, sociability, relaxation, work...
This leads into the next one "when I got busy I got better'. Make a plan for your day, and stick to it. You can't be dissolved in tears and phoning him when you are doing your daily reading, taking the kids swimming, painting the kitchen, going to your book club, signing up for slow pitch, teaching your kids how to play poker....
Start a journal. If you have been keeping one, this is the time to go back and read about what life was like when you had him. Even go back to old posts here - what you will most likely see is that he has never been or done what you want him to. Ask yourself what you are really grieving here - could it be the loss of the fantasy, rather than the loss of the real man? Another very good use of a journal (again, I know what I'm talking about here) is that you can use it instead of phoning. Write down what you would say, if you phoned.
Your happiness does not have to depend on what he does or does not do. Your happiness depends on you.
Hello SerendipityI remember when I was going through my divorce I felt strong feelings.I would drive by my ex ah's place and watch for him in the windows.I would call his phone.One time I even took him a pizza and slid it in through the chain in the door.i was obsessed and very sick.A very good friend helped me to step back and see that my behaviour was wrong.She said, why do you go by his place?I said "to check on him"Well she said you better check on your friends and family every day, co-workers as well. She made a valid point that my job on this earth was not to caretake a very sick person who was not in recovery.So, eventually, thankfully the obsession lifted and the fog cleared.Time heals. trite but true.For now, please don't take the entirety of your situation and let it overwhelm you.One minute at a time if needed. Then the next. Take a walk in the sun. Spring is here.Keep coming backin support Megan
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Megan
If you want things you never had you need to do things you have never done
Do you have a sponsor? Is there some program friend you can get on the phone with? There are many cookie cutter things to say, but first things first... it sounds like you need to catch your breath.
I don't think you've lost your mind, because you are here where you know we love you. That's not crazy. There is likely some sort of bridge you are walking across right now. It may not seem like you are getting anywhere but you may find yourself in a whole new world when things start to calm down.
When I finally lost it and came here, what helped me was turning my focus off of her disease and really concentrating on my kids, and the house. I was so focused on her and what the disease was doing to her and to us as a couple... that I ignored everything else.
What can you focus on, for the next 5 minutes that will mean something to you? Then something for the next 5 minutes....
We are here for you.... your HP is there for you, you are not alone.
That is why for almost 1000 posts now I end every one with ... Take care of you! Because you ARE worth it!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Ditto what Lin said. It's the only way honey. One step at a time....one second at a time if you have to.
It is unbalanced and it is obsession. I know ..........I've been there too many times myself.
I even hated the slogans at one time.what good were slogans when I was falling apart? But they DO work if you keep the focus on you and not allow your mind to go into overdrive and end up focussing in him and what he's doing.
I even used to do the fake it till you make it bit...and ended up yelling at the walls till I felt better. And it DID get better......slowly,slowly.
While I don't know your whole story but have gotten enough bits and pieces to know that your A is on a different path right now. I hate that you are suffering with grief, but I can relate to that grief. The last time my AH and I were seperated he started a relationship very quickly with a woman who had a child the same age as our children. I was so grief stricken, but now I realize that he was using this woman as he was still actively using drugs and alcohol heavily and she was rescuing him. Now that we are separated again and life is uncertain for us I have to say that I would do the same thing, I plan on staying single and out of a relationship regardless of what happens right now because I am not ready to even consider bringing another person into this madness. Continue prayer, continue self-care even if its just to get up and take a shower. Small baby steps helped me, I didn't want to eat, I couldn't concentrate on my work, I just felt pain all over. My heart goes out to you today because I know what you are going through first hand. All I can say is hang on it will get better. You can start the day over as many times as you need to. F2F meetings during the day helped, reading CAL, or any other uplifting material helped me. Ultimately it was HP, family, good friends, and this message board that helped me snap out of my funk.
Give those kids a hug, they are lucky to have you in their lives. Peace to you today, Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
God has sent me to tell you...Go to the doctor and get some antidepressants girl!!! I felt this way at first too and sometimes medication can help you get through the slump enough to get to the other side of it and start living. Not wanting to get up, tired all the time, inability to focus are all symptoms of depression which I had when first moving out and took Wellbutrin (the dr. had samples for free...)
As far as wanting to tell the kids, I hear that! I tell the oldest too much probably but we talk openly about the whole thing. The other two are too young still but someday they will know too. They will figure these things out on their own some too I try to just give the facts not my feelings about it. Usually when I say your dad is a heroin addict... he's in jail... we see things on tv and I explain that's how it is for him... I try to point out that it is a disease. Not much more you can do but you shouldn't just let your children resent you because they think it's your fault either. I say just tell it like it is for those who are old enough to understand and try to blame the disease and not the person. I know that's hard.
Like you said "did he really think he was going to leave here where he was all about me and us being a family into a new relationship and the kids would be ok with that? or that it would be good for them?"
He probably didn't think or even care because everything is about him, just like always, that's what addicts do.
When you are in the middle of the emotional equivalent of puking your guts out, it's obvious that you can't take in any nourishment. But you _can_ stop taking the poison. I read your posts and it is all too familiar territory for me. There is no antidote, there is no fix to make you feel better all at once. You WILL be able to be nourished again, but first you have to finish detoxing. And it is just the same, emotionally, as detoxing from alcohol or drugs. Change a few things in the wording of your post, and it could read exactly that way.
Please, stop taking the poison. Do something else; think about something else; don't worry about doing it perfectly... you won't. There is no answer that can be provided by your X, just as there is no cure for alcoholism in a bottle of gin.
Thank you all so much. I hope you know how much your replies help me. LOL carolina I'm already on an anti-depressent but tell God you tried! I think I need an anti-call-the-ex pill. Fake it till you make it got me up and doing the laundry this morning. But then I was right back into my head and the insanity. But I intend to fake it tonight at work. My 10 yr old students don't need to see hysterical tears while I teach. Unbalanced and obsessed, that's me today. I'm glad y'all are here to love me. My ex finally told me that yes he is in love with this other woman, jennifer, and they are starting a life. I was a mess and said so many embarrassing things. Well, they weren't embarrassing because they were real, my feelings, my thoughts. I was just sharing them with the wrong person. And the idea that my ex has no answers just as a bottle of gin does not hold the cure for alcoholism
