The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
When I was contemplating leaving the A more than two years ago just before I came into Al anon my worst fear was what I am doing now. I felt that I would be going backwards living on my own, trying to squeeze my belongings into a small space, sharing and thought it would be hell.
The issue for me of course it isn't. Living with the A and his craziness was hell. I must admit I struggle and I have had to confront some terrible fears and everytime I see a dog I ache. At the same time I am not generally stewing in resentment, not seething in anger and not frustrated beyond belief. I have tremendous challenges and real obstacles but they seem workable. Living with the A eventually became a living hell. Admittedly I had some help with moving and lots of love and support from this group. At the same time I think not being able to break down my fears was so so key. I had a session with the therapist a while back where I spoke out my fears and really put it out worst case scenario. I continue to do that. I fear the A will kill himself and blame me. I fear he will be jailed, I fear he will completely self destruct. I also fear for my animals they will get loose, (they have many times already) they will not have anywhere to live (unlikely since the A is a consumate charmer and has friends), they will not be looked after (they were thriving because there were two of them last time I saw them). I also fear I will be stuck in poverty for ever.
I am willing these days to discuss my fears rather than have them swallow me alive. I also fear the A will cut me out of his life for ever. He has in the past as a punishment and I will never get my truck (he will destroy it that is one of my fears) and he will never speak to me again (if he didn't have the dogs and the truck I'm not sure I would want to speak to him but regardless....).
I let my fears immobilize me in the past. I'm determined not to do that anymore.
I feel for you but am proud you have found strength that I know I need. I have to try & change myself so I can breathe. I don't have the road rage problem as my A is in his 60's & doesn't drive over 25. He may be so drunk he can't walk but by g he can drive okay!! Scares me to death.
I can't imagine having to leave my dogs. They are my best friends & truly love their "mom". I hope that things get better for you. From reading some of the posts I feel hopeful that others have become strong so we can too. Hope
Mary, what works for me is what I always share, which is boring...stick to ONE day. Do not allow yourself to "worry" about anything you cannot control. When it comes into your head, say stop, one day at a time and get back to what you are doing.
You are going thru major grieving. Those scenarios you mentioned have not happened. What is going on now? I have a room, I have my cats, I have a toilet a shower etc. I have a clean bed, I am in a peaceful situation.
I wish I was still in my house so I could say, come here. But as you know I am happily tucked into my bunkhouse.
Mary when I faced the fact I could be homeless, if I lost my place I would have to move to the woods and live in a tent, then it would be hard, but it would be ok.
When i faced my greatest fears, I was ok. I knew I would make sure my animals and I would be ok.
The anxiety went away when I completely gave my life to my hp. Whatever happens happens.
I still have to take a breath, breath it out and let go. Serenity is waiting for you. To be ok where you are, at what you are doing is so wonderful. And if more comes, great.
Mary a lot of what I have gotten from alanon is to stop thinking about what might happen. We don't know what will happen to our A's. We don't know what will happen tomorrow. Take things as they come.
I know leaving your dogs is killing you. what are your options? You could put an add on craigslist to find a foster home until you are ready to get them. find a room where you can have your dogs. I KNOW they are out there, becuz I would have done it. I am not the only one.
go to a womens group, a battered womens group. there may be optoins you will find there.
I hope you got on food stamps if you need to. You have paid into it. There are places that help with power, food, cloths, finding jobs etc.
You are not alone. I care very much. If you get desperate let me know. I will do what I can.
I used to feel fear about becoming homeless and embarassment for asking for any kind of assistance. I lived my life bowing down to other people's guilt tripping and threats, especially the A's. As I committed myself to the program and especially to my HP, I grew stronger. I no longer feel fear when someone tries to guilt trip or threaten me. When people use these methods now I don't even flinch. They can't get to me anymore because I don't pick it up. My faith in HP has become very strong. I spoke with someone yesterday who told me that if you are capable of feeling so much fear then you are capable of that much strength. I can either choose to feel fear or I can choose to help myself, find my inner strength, and use my faith in HP. I no longer abandon myself. Sometimes I use affirmations, read empowering literature, meditate, and talk to HP. I used every resource I could to get back on my feet. I did not listen to that shaming voice telling me it was shameful to ask for help. I did what was best for me. You are stronger than you know. Many hugs, kissers
Sometimes it really helps to drag those fears out and look at them squarely. You may be able to say "I don't welcome it, I wouldn't like it, but if it happened I could handle it." Often the thing you are afrais of, that is keeping you from making a change, is no worse than , or even better than, the situation you are stuck in.
I think those fears are normal for those of us who have been affected by this disease. I know those fears creep up on me too, and then I have to turn it over to HP; because it is out of my hands. Whatever happens to my AH is not my fault or my doing. I don't influence his path only he can choose that for himself. I know two weeks ago when some of my worse fears came true I actually prayed for some of those things to happen, ya know jail, DUI, self destruct anything to make this madness stop. The fog is clearing for my AH and he is starting to remember the ruin he left behind and is finally realizing that because of his disease he has lost a great deal in his life. That destruction had to happen. I am pained by those fears becoming a reality but I see now that it had to occur in order for me to get the courage to change something in my life. Wow what a change!! Keep going girl you are doing great, turn those fears over to HP and look for the possibilities not the impossibilities in life.
Peace to you, Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
