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I am going thru a horrible time. My Alcoholic boyfriend not only cheated, but he left me for another woman. She is an alcoholic as well. I pray for them, but it might be better for Charlie to hit a major bottom to help see what he is doing to himself, and others. I had him show up yesterday, with one of his guy friends, both drinking, and I had needed rest real bad. I kept trying to say today was not good for me. I put a movie on and he and I got into a verbal battle, because I had just had enough. I turned the movie off, told him he had to go. I told him he was drunk and I can't deal with him like that. He automatically assumes I am calling him a drunk when I say that. All I meant was that he was drunk. Later on in our little battle I said he could not take the cup he had his beer in with him. I took it into the kitchen, and threw it in the sink, emptying all the beer down the drain. I came back into the room and said, "Now you are done. Please go" All I heard was "". A close neighbor (christian) girl came in during our fight and I mouthed the words---please don't leave. She got the message, and stayed. I managed to get him out of my house. My girlfriend said to just come in. Dumbbutt me went out anyway. I walked up to him and I had tears in my eyes, saying " I just hate seeing you like this. " He breifly hugged me, then just turned again, bitching me out & all---almost hit me. It was then I sceamed--" You ARE a drunk! I just pray you get some help." first, he laughed evil-like in my face, and continued to get more agitated, etc. The guy that was with him walked away a bit, and called to Charlie to just come on. He heard the neighbor nearby say if this shit don't stop I will call the cops. Charlie's friend walked away , saying that he didn't want to go to jail. He finally said "Man, this and you ". When I heard the words "Cops", I just walked into my house and locked and secured the door. He walked back and started beating really hard on my front door, screaming at me to open up. I just said over and over a few times--just go, get out of here. I never opended the door.Later I called to see if he had sobered up some and we had words on the phone and he hung up on me.Later that night, he actually called back and asked if he could come sleep on my couch or the floor. By this time I had been awake for over 38 hours! I said no I wanted to just have some peace. I was beyond tired.I called back this morning to see if he would talk to me. ( I know I should have just left it alone ) The woman who had stayed with him for over a week, just because she had no where else to go. I never liked that, and he actually brought her over to meet me then, the two of them swearing that nothing was going on. Anyway, after two rings, the woman answered. I said may I speak to Charlie. She said the two of them were going to get a place together, they have their own life and that Charles loves her. She also added. We are fg right now and hung up the phone.I am soooooo hurt and confused by all this. I am not in a good place--my mind is sluggish and I am depresssed.Sorry to go on so long, but I needed to get this all out. I guess it is part venting and a cry for help. My mind is so foggy that I can't see or feel the true intensity of the situation I have myslef in-or I guess not in anymore. It doesn't matter if I am in it with him, or not, I need MIP because his drinking has affected me severely.I am oh so having a hard time dealing with accepting this loss. We were together 2 yrs 6 mo on the 22 of this month. I have made a promise to myself that even if he does come crawling back I will refuse. I just cannot take this anymore...My serenity and sanity and health is more important. We both prefer to live in two totally different ways. That is as obvious as a glow-in-the-dark billboard sign. ! I am just so angry, hurt, sad, lonely, longing. At the same time I am praying for peace from God.I now really realize what the 3 C's really mean.Please reply, if you want. I would love it actually. Sorry for all the drama, but this really needed to come out of me. I am writing this after 3am (I'm tired and wired at the same time) I have been sleeping very little this week. Eating very little too. I was reminded of "HALT" today by a good friend. Now I should take care of the Tiredness and go to bed. Soon. Trying to wind down. Hard sometimes.((((((((((MIP))))))))))HTC
__________________
This is HippieTrippieChick Signing Off
Be blessed and have a wonderful day.
Remember God loves you.
PEACE
I'm posting this reply quick because I feeel like you want some quick feed back. Been where you are recently...take care of you. HALT is good...Hungry, feed yourself; Lonely- go to a mtg. Angry, last time I was as angry as you sound I took a 2x4 and beat up an alfalfa hay bale! better than his head...don't want to go to jail either. Tired...go to bed, if you can't sleep, coming in here is good therapy. Gets it off your chest and maybe you can sleep. I will pray for you and check in with the posting tomorrow.
Sorry to hear what you are going through......I was married over 30 years and teenage sweethearts. Your scenario is not unique, as it mirrors mine and many others. What I learned from alanon was to "say what you mean, but not say it mean" and stick with it. None of this yo-yo stuff works as they will not believe it , when you succumb each time they want to make an appearance in your life., even though you have said do not come back. I look back now and wonder how I ever got sucked in so badly to get enmeshed in his crap to make "MY" life so miserable. I wasted many years of my life waiting for my husband to become sober. If you look hard enough he is doing what he wants period, and keeping you in the wings and uses you whenever he wants. " Nothing changes if nothing changes". Looks like he is not about to change so that leaves it up to you to change. The question I ask you is "Do you want to keep living like this"? Set boundries and stick by them, for your own peace and serenity. It will be hard but as myself and many others it can be done. And I cannot stress enough that going to face to face meetings is crucial in YOUR recovery.
I am so sorry you are going through this terrible time. The hurt and tragedy of this illness is too much to bear a lot of the time. I have been where you are too. Too often in fact. I know the hurt you are going through too well.
Gardengal gave you some very good advice, that I can only agree with.
It's so hard to see the ones we love slip away, and we are powerless through it all. We can only be responsible for ourselves ultimately. We cannot stop them doing what they do no matter how much we care.
If you want to learn acceptance and let this madness go, I think the first step is boundaries for yourself. A protection for yourself.
When anA is actively drinking he is going to do whatever he is going to do regardless of what we do or say. I tried so hard to not accept this statement myself. When I came to accept it, my life became a bit easier.
Keep posting and meetings would be a great help too....and a regular sleep pattern! Yours in recovery AM
His insanity does not have to be your insanity. Detach Detach Detach. Ask yourself "What do I want for my life?" and how is he contributing or taking away from that. Good luck and I hope you find serenity.
I really feel your pain. I too am addicted to the drama and trying my hardest to not to give in and play his game. I am not healthy enough yet to not play any games so in my mind I have started thinking that since we have to play the game we will play it my way. That means no contact whatsoever. None, no text, email,phone calls, nothing. Somedays it has been harder than others. I have also come to see that what he feels for me is not love. It is obsession or addiction. People that love each other do not do what he has done to me. Do I love him? I don't know but it doesn't matter at this point. He is violent, lying, manipulative and just plain mean. That I don't love, I have been comfortable with that but I don't love that. I'm not comfortable with that anymore. Be very gentle with yourself. Every step you take to take care of yourself is a step in the right direction. And even if you slip you're still facing in the right direction so get up and keep going. You will be ok. I know this hurts like hell and is really messing with your life but you are doing the best you can right now and keep comming and you will continue to learn how to do it better. That's why I am here. Lots of love....
Stacie, I am glad you vented and you were honest about your roller coaster. Did you see the insanity in it?
What do you want when you call him? But what do you get? How many times are you going to do this, before you realize it never gives you what you need?
When I learned the above, I then focused on what I wanted. I had the A with me as long as I could, glean what I could. I wanted every moment I could. now there are none.
Basically where you are. He has no more to offer you.
I learned that the drama sucks me in. I never had that before the A. And do not have it now. I know the difference between drama and real life obstacles. Drama is useless, and life sucking, A sucking your life.
Life is so precious. What would make us waste it on bs. A disease that gives nothing. It is his disease not ours.
Stacie you just had major surgery. Your hormones are all confused. We cannot function without sleep.
What are your options? Maybe you want to move? Get away from him. Start your own life.
What are your hopes and dreams? go for your passions.
I know you have limits from physical things, but that does not mean you cannot find happiness.
No he has nothing left to offer me. Although I am hurting, I do have to realize I am just coming out of major surgery and my hormones are screwed up.. I have had recent times where I could just not go to sleep.
I have my own little home here, and for now, all I have been doing is trying to make this place cleaner, less cluttered--a bit obsessive, but I would rather clean to get my mind off stuff than sit by myself, just allowing the horrible feelings envelop and disable me from being able to go on.
The only time I am going to contact him is Thursday, and he agreed, because he knows I am keeping certain valuable items from him. The other day I dumped off a bag of his stuff at his door at the hotel, but did the wrong thing. My dad who was waiting in his truck for me saw and heard me dump the stuff off, knock on the door, he peeked thru the window to see who it was, and I yelled "Go f*** your b****! Later I called and we agreed that when I get the money he owes me, he can have his stuff When he comes to bring my $$, I will pray before I even open the door to do the right thing..I will not allow him to hang out. If he asks any questions, I will say I am getting on with my own life.
After this, I have no intention of contacting him. He and his new girl can just go on their merry little way. I have also promised myself that if he ever loses her somehow, and wants to get back with me, I will tell him I am getting on with my life, and I will not have anything to to with him. And I will say I will not be conversing with you, unless you have gotten some serious help for his drinking problem ( I already gave his new girl a copy of the Big Book. ) Charlie (my A) cannot read, so I hope someone will help him.
For me I have to go on, as hurt as I am, it is best for me. I have not called in a couple of days and I am proud of me.
You can ask him to mail you the money he owes, then you call him and set up a date when you can drop his things off. This way you dont have to let him into your home, and it will avoid any confrontations and more hurt. Remember you have choices, and this program is about YOU and not him. This is just a suggestion.
