I started to talking to an old b/f...  met him 3-4 yrs ago, after a few months freaked out w/ the situation as he is alcoholic, work-a-holic & has a dead marriage.  I freaked out over being the home wrecker, the other woman, so I ended it.

Last year was with him a scant 2 months.  We did drink bottles of wine together.  I didn't know he was also drinking a bottle of hard liquor a day as well.  He never slept more than four hours a day & his work-a-holism was too much, I simply couldn't take it. 
   I nagged him to sleep at his house (as he slept at his office) preaching to him that his kids would prefer to see him then to have a few extra dollars at his undoubted accelerated death.

He took my advice & before long was in rehab.  I waited for him expectantly.  Being in & out of al-anon for over 20 yrs now, I naturally assumed he would come out & talk to me.  He cut me out of his life.

I talked to him over the summer last year & he did tell me I saved his life & he loved me but then nothing.

I began talking to him again about 5 weeks ago.  I asked him why he didn't talk to me when he got out of rehab last year.  He said, "people, places, things", I said, "yeah but I've been in al-anon over half of my life.  I can't believe you thought you couldn't talk to me.  How about I put your # back in my phone & write 'sober' next to it, so if I am ever drinking, I won't answer."  He said, "that would be great."

He was in Chicago for business for 3 weeks.  He was sober, we talked, and video camered & instant messaged nearly daily, so I could see the clarity in his face.  He was meditating twice a day, it was wonderful to reconnect emotionally.

We began to make plans for the future.  I couldn't wait for him to get home so I could see him again & we could 'start our lives together' or wtvr.  Being a hopeless romantic & idealizing it, I projected & had false expectations about how it would be when he got back.
  
Saturday before last, he invited me over.  He kissed me & I said, "Why do I smell alcohol?"  I was kind of freaked & reacted badly, I didn't say much but my feelings were all over the room, I was slightly horrified..  He said he'd been drinking wine for 3 days since he'd been home...  he offered me some.  I joined him & we talked about the future & listened to music for a few hours.  He abruptly said he was tired & went home. 

He's been home about ten days & he's been drinking wine and burying himself in his work ever since.
    When I left him last week, I got home & started thinking.  I felt like that by drinking with him b/c I can feel what it's doing (the addiction just picks up right where it leaves off) I felt like I handed him a loaded gun and he was pulling the trigger.  I felt guilty.
   A few days went by when I realized, it's not my responsibility that he started drinking again.  It doesn't matter if I drink or not, I know I am not to blame. 

I did however tell him, if he needed me not to drink around him for the support, it's a non-issue for me.  I enjoy wine but I can take it or leave it.  But still I know it's unrealistic for me to never ever drink again & think it will have any bearing on whether he drinks or not.  His drinking is not in my control.  
 
I also know that in the beginning of becoming sober, you certainly might not ever want to be around it, I understand that.  I told him I could do that if he needed it.  
   Anyway, thinking about his drinking last week & we did talk about it a little bit, in general.  I didn't nag or ask what he was doing, I did ask if he had a new sobriety date yet. 
   I told him I wouldn't judge him but I can see how the sob date inquiry may have got his defenses up.  So far he's being honest about it.

Tonight I realized how difficult it must've been for him to answer that question. I also realized I had been projecting (worrying about the drinking) & expecting our relationship to just instantaneously magically work out (unrealistic expectations).

Since we IM usually daily, I could just notice how each day he was changing or being a little meaner or shorter with me - could be b/c of my own worry for him. I don't know but I was becoming more negative as the week went on.

Tonight  I opened one of 40 pamphlets I have... (So You Love an Alcoholic) ~ it said don't nag about the drinking, don't ask how much.
   Well, I hadn't asked how much but asking for a sob date could've felt like nagging.

I want to be able to talk about it but it is very delicate.  I really ought to just let him talk to me if he wants to...  I fear that he won't but maybe that's an incorrect projection as well.  I can't worry or concern myself about it, I need to take a much more free & hands-off approach.  That also means if I want wine with dinner, I will just enjoy myself & not concern myself with him.  I do have to honor that I will never answer the phone if I'm drinking but not base what I do or not on whether he is or not.
   So I let it go tonight.  I realized I owed him an apology.  I also wanted to thank him for being honest with me as I know it's new for him to trust me like that.  I sent him an email to that end. 
   It's wonderful for us to make plans but the reality is all we have is this moment, I can easily get lost in the future and it's a reminder for me to focus on myself. 

Who knows, he could be sober a year & fall off the wagon every year for the rest of his life for all I know, if I knew the future I'd be a billionaire by now.  I have to prepare myself for the worst but expect the best.  Of course remembering it's a disease not a matter of will-power as it is for me.

Man, I haven't been in a relationship for a long time.  Ours was always 'in the clouds' obviously & in the past it never was completely honest.

Maybe this is like a test.  That was the thought that allowed me to just let the worry go...  if I stop concerning myself with him, maybe he'll stop again.  I can imagine if I don't talk about it, don't project, meditate myself that will make me happier.  I don't know what will happen, I can only take it ODAT & expecting anything else from him is unrealistic pressure.

He had been traveling a lot this last year to get away from home.  He said he has no problem being sober on the road, it's coming home that's hard to deal with.  Well, he travels again soon...  and I have to do what my mother always told me to do regarding men, "don't listen to what they say, watch what they do." 

I'll try not to IM him either for a while,  just see if he responds to my apology/validation email, give him some breathing room & the opportunity to pursue me. 

I know I'm not picking the easiest relationship to move forward with but I've been in love with him nearly four years....  Weird b/c we hardly spent any of that time together.  I guess we can't help our feelings or choose who we love.  When I feel the love, I love freely.  I know it's a gift from hp/God. 
   I've certainly grown this week.  I know it is synchronicity, that I've carried this torch for him.  It could grow & endure or I might just re-learn a few lessons...  a new saga for me.  I'm thankful that having the hope of a future with someone mostly stops all the suicidal ideations, I can appreciate that for now too and be happy just for today.