The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
There have been a few posts this week about anger and rather than reply on each thread, I thought I would start a new one. I have worked to deal with my anger towards my A and a lot of it has subsided, but I still harbor some resentment. So I was just listening to a speaker cd as I was driving today and I heard something that went straight to my heart.
This speaker is an alcoholic and was talking about her 8 and 9 steps and said that she had told her sponsor she would never make amends to her father, as she felt his treatment of her justified all her actions toward him. Her sponsor told her that this was fine as long as she was willing to live with the results. Later on, she talked of having a difficulty making friends, as little things that she found annoying in people would cause her to shut down to them, and basically just say "you annoyed me, you can't be my friend." The sponsor reminded her that she had yet to make amends to her father, the lady said "SO?' and the sponsor told her "Hate does not know it is directed at only one person."
This was a real "wow" moment for me to hear, and inspiring as well, so I hope you all get something from it too.
Whoa, that's amazing. If you feel hatred or anger toward someone, you have hatred and anger in YOUR (my) heart. Period. Which gets back to how it affects ME to have these difficult emotions alive and well inside me, affecting my judgement, affecting my peace.
One person I do not consider "worthy" of an amends is my father. At this point I've not spoken to him in years and don't plan on reigniting the relationship. He "knows" why, but since is an active A is probably pretending to be clueless. If anything, I owe and amend for not acknowleging the times he was decent, supportive, and helpful after I was grown.
It never occured to me that harboring this emotion-based refusal to acknowlege the father daughter relationship would hurt ME in the long run. Makes sense that it would! Great, great post, and thank you!
Anger is one thing I have issues with. I am no longer angry at my ahsober but I have anger towards my mother. I will always have anger towards anyone who is bitter, negative, hateful, and plays the "victim" role. I've tried to let it go but just can't. I don't fight or say anything but I get annoyed. I think it's human to have anger, it's part of character work up. It keeps me in check. I like my anger. lol
For me the working through takes a long time. One person I am angry at a lot is myself over the lack of boundaries and limits. I do know that talking stuff out helps. I also know that understanding various concepts helps. The more I can understand and really appreciate that alcoholism is a disease the better I am at knowing I can't control it.
For me right now my frustration and anger at the A is really up there so I limit a lot the amount I see him or interact with him. That brings mixed results on the one hand I worry about what he is doing (although I never could stave off a crisis so why worrying helps is beyond me) and I feel kind of lost without his constant unremitting crisises. I also feel lonely and not part of. But who would want to be part of total chaos, fear and isolation. Nevertheless I am.
Your Worth IT! 
Keep Looking uP
aunitedway is putting this in her " notebook." 