The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Some people are carriers of negativity. They are storehouses of pent up anger and volatile emotions. Some remain trapped in the victim role and act in ways that further their victimization. And others are still caught in the cycle of addictive or compulsive patterns.
Negative energy can have a powerful pull on us, especially if we're struggling to maintain positive energy and balance. It may seem that others who exude negative energy would like to pull us into the darkness with them. We do not have to go. Without judgment, we can decide it's okay to walk away, okay to protect ourselves.
We cannot change other people. It does not help others for us to get off balance. We do not lead others into the Light by stepping into the darkness with them.
Today, God, help me to know that I don't have to allow myself to be pulled into negativity - even around those I love. Help me set boundaries. Help me know it's okay to take care of myself.
My denial cloud is continuing to lift. I know it's time. It's that as the denial is lifting, I'm being sucked alive. Some of you know that this weekend my mom came down. Many of you know my relationship with my mom is extremely fragile (the word "denial" comes to mind). And again we had it out. All the old buttons got pushed, on both sides. She espousing that, as a 24 year old, I didn't get how money doesn't grow on trees, how I need to take responsibility for myself and how, ultimately, if I don't fly, I'll fall on my a**. Me trying to say Mom, I know that things are tight financially, I get that things are fragile with Dad's drinking worsening by the second, but blaming me for his problems doesn't make it better. And, just so you know mom, I do know what I'm doing. I am learning from my mistakes. I do appreciate the time, effort and energy you and my step father have taken to show me how to balence a check book, set up a savings account, how to talk to a creditor, how to work with a bank, et cetera, et cetera. I may not be the brightest bulb on the tree all the time, but I am getting better. We talked Tuesday. For the most part, we worked it out. She felt, she said, scared that I'm carrying student loan debt. It's not that she didn't when she graduated, she said; it's that she graduated with a nursing degree. The so called "practical" degree. She's worried, like she always is, that some how, given how weak the job market is in OH, that I won't find a job period. Even though I AM trying. I agreed--I said that's my fear too. Tuesday was DAd's birthday. Some of you know that Dad's birthday is always guilt ridden for me. It was always me going to the extremes: an all out gourmet dinner he wouldn't eat and say that he didn't like, with me too exhausted and I snap; doing absolutely nothing, because he won't be happy anyway, and he snaps, saying how his needs weren't met; doing something small and simple, and he and I still fight. No matter what, it ends the same: he gets high, makes phone calls to his friends from God knows when, and tells them how I ruined his birthday by not listening to him, doing everything he asked and meeting all of his needs; then my email box gets flooded and people I don't know admonish me for not being "a good daughter". This year he cut out the phone calls to everyone else. HE called me directly, telling me exactly how he felt about me. He told me that I was worthless, in a worthless major and so on and so forth. As I laid my head on the steering wheel of the car after that phone call, I kept saying to myself, "I knew today was gonna be a bad day. I've prepared myself weeks in advance. I've given myself permission to have a bad day, because it always is. There's nothing I can do when a day this emotionally charged, this emotionally sensitive, this memory filled comes together and stings like all get out. I can go through the motions and just go through it." I swore I was gonna lose it in the grocery store. At the meeting that night. I swore. I didn't realize how physically exhausted I was, I mean, how much emotionally has also been phyiscally taken out until I woke up the next day and realized "There is absolutely no way I can continue to function today. I need to stop and rest." Apparently there was a Weds yesterday. I didn't know it. I slept right through it. I was just so exhausted. Today I feel so much better. And when I meditated today, I realized "The denial cloud has lifeted again. This is my family--again. My mom is so frightend when it comes to money that she would rather do the good offensive fight vs being honest about her fears. My father is so....out there that he would rather call people and be vicious and hateful about his life and then take it out on those emotionally closest to him than actually deal with it." I'm trying not to kick myself for getting involved again in the dysfunction. I'm trying. I'm trying not to scold myself and not to beat myself for sucking all the energy out of myself so that I had to take a day off in the middle of the week to regroup. It does no one good. It's that some where along the way I keep thinking "I shoulda LEARNED THIS BY NOW?!?!" I guess I just wanted to talk. I guess I just wanted to let you all know where I was at. That I am, in many ways, still a work in progress (grudgingly.....)
My mother is the same way with money. I am 10 years older than you and she and I have been having the same fight for the past 16 years. Most recently she had a hysterical crying fit because she thought that I should give her every single dime my father left me insted of investing it in a house for me and the kids. I am looking at being financially independent from her for the first time in my life and she is freaking out. I think I said something really helpful during her little breakdown like "well, if you wanted all of dad's money you should have stayed married to him!" She shut that down faster than a speeding bullet. Then I said something equally as helpful like " well, you found a function alcoholic who will stay and pay your bills. is it my fault that the a I chose is an irresponsible mentally ill idiot who i will never see a dime from. gosh, if i just followed the perfect example you've set." More tears, more " I can't pay my bills because you are a selfish, spoiled, stupid brat. all of my problems are directly related to you and your stupidity." I imagine it might be a little like if your mom and dad were the same person. Anyway, insted of engaging further with her, I left. I was hurt and angry but I got to my meeting and I felt good enough that I didn't pick up where we left off when I had to go back and pick up the kids. I am sorry that you had a rough day dealing with family. I'm glad you posted because when it comes to family and money and abuse sometimes I do feel like I am alone. much love...
Your cloud IS lifting, in fact I think the sun is peeping through. The things you describe that your parents do/have done is "theirs" hon. Not yours. The fact that you can recognize it and do your best not to take it on is huge. You are created physically by them, but after that you are your own person and can design your life how you see fit. It doesn't mean that they don't have input, but it does mean that you can put on your rubber suit if you so choose and not take on those traits you don't like..
Keep bouncin along
Christy
There is always a door. We simply have to seek. There is always a key. We simply have to persist. And, sometimes, we just have to wait a while. Patience does have virtue. There is always a future. The future is hope and the magic is faith.
It begins with you today. Today a new day. Always. Today our decision to be the person we really want to be. Today our choice of courage to accept what we cannot change. Today our choice to rise to the challenge of changing what we must. These are the choices of happiness.
Always an answer. You simply have to believe. The dawn. The magic of a new day given to us. A love affair. A love affair with today. Today, a gift of opportunity; to laugh; to learn; to achieve; to make someone happy, to be happy. Always a sunrise.
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Geez Tiger - I hate so much that you had to go thru that. I know that you know this, but I just want to say it again - You know the things that your parents say aren't true - remember "My refrigerator's not blue"
I have to tell you as a mother to 5 daughters - I often think of my girls when I read your post (They are all pretty close to your age). It makes me remember that I may still see them as little girls, but they are young adults and deserve to be treated as such. It reminds me to look at what I say and what I do to them from another perspective. Thank you and I know that my daughters greatly appreciate their mom respecting some healthy boundaries.
Nothing wrong with taking a break in the middle of the week - You did what you had to do to get thru a difficult time. Saying prayers for you & your family.
Peace, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
