helping children understand - Al-Anon Family Group

pinky · Newbie

helping children understand

rtexas · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP and your recovery!

I really relate to your story for 2 big reasons. My father was an A while I was growing up (now sober 25 years) and my wife is also having issues with it, and has for years.

As a child of someone who stayed... getting yourself healthy will be the greatest gift you can give your kids. You don't mention their ages, but my Mom went to alanon and even though she stayed, alot of the healing and healthy thinking that had completely disappeared due to the A'ism in the home, came back.

Would my life have been better had she left? Who knows. My Father is sober now, and we have a good relationship. I give my Mom a lot of credit for the fact that there is not more resentment towards my Dad and I can enjoy my time with him.

So for the second part of that... my wife has not gotten any kind of treatment, and our world was so chaotic and emotionally abusive that we have seperated. My son's (22 and 12) are dealing with it pretty well. They love their Mom and so do I, but before I made the decission to seperate, I worked real hard in this program to get myself healthy enough to: make the decission, and support them and the emotions that come with all this.

Are you hurting them by staying? ... I can't answer that. Nobody can but you and your HP. But I can tell you that I was not in any state of mind to even answer that question for myself until I got some help with my own issues.

Are there any meetings locally? There are chat meetings here that you might want to try. This felowship and the people in this family have saved my life, I am sure of it. You are in my prayers, and I hope you will stay with us and we can grow together.

You can get through it... no matter what "it" is. You and your kids deserve a happy, healthy life.

Take care of you!

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello Pinky and welcome , please find Al-Anon meetings for yourself and pass on what your learning to your kids . Kids are often more angry at us the non drinker than the alcoholic mainly because we are the ones who are unhappy , irritable and in my case mouthy .
Alcoholic they get they learn when it's ok to go around them and when they should stay away .and often seem to be closer to the drinker than the sober parent . they are angry and afraid .
If u live in a larger city there may be an Alateen prog for your kids , where they will meet teens like themselves and learn about the disease of alcoholism . Our kids think that we should be able to fix it . they simply don't understand . here is the toll free number 1-888-4alanon they will give u contacts for meetings in your area , it's free and international . I hope u call for all of your sakes . Louise

twinmom2 · ~*Service Worker*~

((pinky))

Welcome to MIP! I can say that lately I have been struggling with the same issues. My AH is the addict in our lives. We have two sons age 4. Their father has stuggled with A'ism and addiction for several years, but the last two weeks he plummeted and caused some major damage to just about everything in our lives. I have been in Alanon for 2 years, but seriously working my program for almost a year. I can tell you that once I really began to focus on the steps and working a program with a sponser my growth came a lot quicker. Last year I would not have been as strong and healthy as I am now. I had to ask my AH to leave because his addiction and behaviors are just too unhealthy for us and the children. I cannot take chances with our lives any longer. He's living in a halfway house and working a recovery program. I am taking care of the kids and working towards my recovery and putting my life financially back together. The boys are taking it hard but we have peace in the home. I just reassure them that I love them and we are going to be o.k. I have faith in HP that they will be taken care of and I have peace of mind right now because their Dad is not putting them at risk of exposure or anything else unhealthy.

I guess it was my bottom two weeks ago and I decided that even though I don't make enough right now to pay all my bills and I'll have to go through financial upheaval its better than living in my AH's crazy addiction and chaos. I had to let him go and give him to HP. I cannot help him and I certainly can't live with this insanity and madness of drugs and alcohol and bad choices any longer. You will decide what's best for you when its time, you don't have to decide today. Get to a Face to face meeting in your area, learn about the program, and just meditate and pray on the issue. The answers will come.
Keep coming back to us we are here for you.

Peace,
Twinmom~

pinky · Newbie

Thanks everyone for the feed back I did find a place that has meetings and I will give it a try it can't do any harm, I will let you know if it helps

Friendofyours · ~*Service Worker*~

You know what I did for my kids? I called their insurance (state insurance) and I found a child couselor to talk to my six yr old just to make sure no harm was being mentally done. This is what I always remember..........It is YOUR place now to make sure that your children are safe. They need ONE secure parent that they know will protect them no matter what, even if it breaks their heart. Here is what I said to my six year old. "honey, you know daddy is trying to get better from the alcohol and he's trying very hard right? Well, mommy has to make sure you are safe no matter what. I have to make sure you do not hear mommy and daddy argueing and when daddy drinks alcohol he may trip or fall and he could get hurt or hurt one of us on accident so this is why I can not allow daddy to come home sometimes. You can always talk to him on the phone after mommy makes sure daddy has not been drinking alcohol. You can talk to me or daddy about your feelings, if you feel mad we will find a way to get out that frustration (batting cages, punching pillows, ect) Its ok to cry, mommy cries too. No matter what would ever happen he will always be your daddy, you will never have another daddy. We will always be a family and wherever mommy and sissy's go just know that you will be there too and I will always keep you safe."
That eased his mind and he has handled things like a trooper. His daddy is now sober and we take it day by day. I let my son write emails to daddy and sometimes I answered them, I let him draw pics to dad and sent them. My advice is to let them get out their emotions. Let them know they are safe and protected and all they h ave to do is be happy and be kids.
I hope I helped. You can pm me anytime. :) xoxo

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