The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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level.
Last night I was walking around town with my umbrella in the rain, shopping before my nail appointment. It was so peaceful. Doing something for me! Well I got my nails done, got my toes done. On my way out of the nail salon, who do I see. My ex A b/f. He was standing in front of a restaurant smoking a cigarette.
There was no way that I could pass by him without him seeing me. I figured I'd cross the street and walk around him that way. Well, I crossed the street and could still see him. He didnt see me though. I kept my eye on him hoping he wouldnt notice me. Well, the sight I saw just broke my heart. He was obviously standing outside the restaurant waiting for his "date" to arrive. I watched as he hugged and kissed the woman that met him outside the restaurant.
As he was opening the door for her, he saw me walking past on the opposite side of the street. You'd think he would quickly get his butt inside the restaurant. Instead he calls me over to introduce me to his new girlfriend. I didnt want to be rude, so when he called me over I crossed the street. He introduced me to her as his friend and introduced her to me as his girlfriend. She was cordial to me as I was to her. After all she didnt do anything wrong. She had the look of someone in AA, kinda weathered looking, plain, and much older than him (at least that was my impression) She asked how we knew each other, asked me if I was in the program. I began to speak, when he interupted me and said that he knew me through a friend and that we have known each other for a few months. Lies lies lies.
I wonder why he didnt tell her that I was the girl he dumped a month ago?
Instead of just introducing me to her, he had the nerve to ask me to join them for dinner. What is he crazy!! Why would I want to sit and have dinner with him and his new "lust". I politely declined, said it was a pleasure to meet her, and said I needed to be going.
Does this guy not have any brains? How could someone do that to the woman he just dumped? Does he not think I have feelings? Thankfully I remained together throughout my conversation with them. I didnt want him to see how upset I was.
I went home and was watching tv and my phone rang at 1 in the morning. It was him. He said how good it was to see me earlier. Then the jerk asked me what I thought of his new girlfriend. Telling me what a wonderful woman she is. That he met her several months ago at an AA meeting. This I didnt want to hear. He must be a complete moron. I told him that she seemed nice and I wished him the best with her.
The way he acted when I saw him and the way he talked to me on the phone was tough, but this too will help me have closure over my relationship with him. Of course it hurts, it hurts a lot. I refuse to take steps backwards now though, I've come too far in the past month.
I do wish that I was a fly on the wall during their dinner.
He had the nerve to call me again this morning. Waking me up at 6am. He said that he wanted to see me. Asked if we could go have dinner and talk. I said that I didnt think that was a good idea. He kept pressing the issue. I told him to get over me and leave me alone for once and for all. I said that I really dont care if I never see or hear from him again. Told him to stay strong and focused on his recovery and to enjoy his new girlfriend. He kept trying to get a word in, I wouldnt let him though. I ended my conversation with him by saying that I hope from his relationship with me he learned how not to treat a woman!!!
Maybe if I was an alcoholic my relationship with him would have lasted. Thankfully I am not addicted to anything and one day will enjoy my life with someone who doesnt suffer from this so-called disease called alcoholism.
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Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want, doesn't mean that they don't love you the best way they know how
Gosh, I read your post and kept thinking how very well you handled the situation. I was proud of you. I hoped I could be so contained and mature if I was ever faced with that. I'm not sure I could. Very well done!
There is no reasoning with the As behaviour I have found. Well, I certainly never managed to find it, despite loads of obsessing.
He's probably impressed (in the crazy Away) with how well you handled it, and thinking about what he messed up on. And he wants to make it all better...
There is no reasoning when as you say, there are so many lies.....
I know its really really tough going through a breakup from someone you love. And I know having to witness this scene must have been heartbreaking for you. But as far as I can see, you are the better and stronger person. You will be fine.
A tiger never changes his stripes. He will get found out. He will get...shown. And I promise you, she will be the one to do it. Wait. Watch. And in the mean time, do your own recovery program.
I think your handling of the situation was awsome. I have been in similar situations and handled them similarly. But you seem to be dealing with the fallout of your feelings and that's what I am struggling with. Thank you for sharing your strength. I have learned alot from your post.
Cunning , baffling and powerful is how recovering A's describe this disease. I ahve come to have a great deal of respect for those 3 words . this is truly a selfish disease the A's needs always seem to come first . Move on , find meetings for yourself so that u never find yourself in that situation again . Just because he is gone dosent mean u will be okay . As to his phone calls well he's just making sure your still around Just in case. JMOpinion . take care of you . and regardless of what he does u will be okay.
I am so sorry this happened to you. Unbelievable handling of it though!!! Good for you, that must have been so hard.
Alcoholics are unbelievable sometimes. You hear all the times in AA meetings that your maturity is stunted from the time that you began drinking (in otherwords, if you began at 13, you have the mentality of a 13 year old). Just because someone stops drinking does not mean they necessarily have social skills. I know, I am recovering myself. I realize that I am at times inappropriate in my social skills, and it is embarrassing, but I am trying to control that by being more spiritual and socializing more.
I pray that you can find healing and not run into him again. You are so good for cutting it short with him on the phone. Obviously he still has feelings for you, but seems confused as he is now with a new person.
Keep taking good care of yourself and venting here, you will be strong and free of the pain and you will be happy again!!!
No a tiger never changes their stripes. Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. To think, I was willing to take that chance. Man would that have altered my life!! And the lives of my children!!
Oh I know he's just checking to see what I'm up to and if I'm still around. I'm keeping busy, going to meetings, and yea, I'm still around. Not in his presence though. Not to pat myself on the back, but when he dumped me he probably lost the only person in this world that truly cared about him (aside from his poor mom of course)
I guess he's not in his 30's. I think he may be around 18 if alcohol does stunt your maturity!! The only social skills he has is flirting with women and playing Mr. Tough Guy. Once the people see through his facade, its over! I think the only friends he still has are the people he's met in the AA program. Its funny how you meet someone and two weeks later you're referring to them as your best friend. Friendship doesnt happen in 2 weeks. It takes much longer than that to catagorize someone as your best friend!!
If I run into him again, oh well. Let him see that I am happy, content and continuing on with my life without him!
He probably did want to "make things better" he's a month too late though. Let him concentrate on making things with his new woman the best they can be. Maybe they ended up together because they both share the same secret. A secret I wouldnt pay all the money in the world to be a part of.
My days of dating alcoholics are OVER!! If and when I ever date in the future I should compile a long application for any potential candidates to complete before I agree to that cup of coffee or that cocktail with dinner!!
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Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want, doesn't mean that they don't love you the best way they know how
Oh I know he's just checking to see what I'm up to and if I'm still around. I'm keeping busy, going to meetings, and yea, I'm still around. Not in his presence though. Not to pat myself on the back, but when he dumped me he probably lost the only person in this world that truly cared about him (aside from his poor mom of course)
That was like a scene from my life.....And this is so painful for you to go through... I love my best friend, he is been in recovery for six years....We moved the friendship onto a phyisical relationship, and he got scared.....He also has a mom..lol
He is NOT ready to cement a relationship with anyone.....
I feel your pain so much....You sound so positive in your post...But I would have to say I think you are being Brave.....
You probly are hurting sooo much more than your post would suggest....Don't be in a hurry to convince yourself your okay.....Work through the pain at your own pace....
"Fake it, till you make it"...Could apply to this post...
Oh I am hurting... its not so bad when I'm keeping myself busy, but when I have down time I start thinking about everything thats happened. Its a miserable day here today--so cold and rainy. Needless to say today I miss my ex tons and I'll probably always wonder "what if", always wonder "what could have been". I have done so much research on the 12 steps of AA and relationships with A's. In everything I've read, and almost everything I've been told, an A should NOT be in a relationship during the first year of sobriety this way their only focus is on their sobriety. I could have accepted the end of our relationship if it was so that he could focus on his recovery, I can't accept that he ended our relationship because he met someone else. I have to come to accept it though. I truly wish him the best though regardless of what happened with him and I. Maybe we werent meant to be together, maybe Gods plan for me in his life was to give him the love and support to finally get into AA and stick to it. Maybe God thinks he'll be ok without me and that it was time for this chapter in my life to close.
Missing him, but trying not to think about it. Wish the rain would stop so I can get busy over here!!
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Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want, doesn't mean that they don't love you the best way they know how
I think for me being a love addict I have had to really learn the ways of the love avoidant. The A I was invovled with is a love avoidant. Now he has his friends he ignores me. But if I pull away he'll pull me back in. My part has been to see the "dance" rather than just be in it.
Of course going through a break up is hard. I also think that A's and love avoidants do a lot of intriguing and tantalizing. The A I was involved with is pathologically secret. I guess everything is a "lie" to him. I think I found that infuriating and intriguing. Now I find it boring.
I used to do the dance with the A. Now I am trying super hard to focus on me. I can say that's superhuman work. I am really super proud of the way you handled his "invitations". I hope I have the superhuman courage to say no when the A comes back around crying he loves me. By then I hope to be able to say "No thanks " as you have.
I hope my "no thanks" sticks. He certainly makes it difficult. I havent "talked" to him since he phoned me the morning after I saw him but today he sent flowers to my house. Signed the card, "Miss you, Love "A". Whats UP with this?? He pushes me away, asks for space which I give him as hard as it was and then he sends flowers. I do think he's just checking up on me, seeing what I'm up to. Even though sometimes I'm not doing a dang thing, I would NEVER tell him that! Tomorrow I'm having lunch with his mom, god I miss that woman!! Hopefully he wont be around; just in case I told her I'd call her and let her know I'm there and she can come outside. I really dont want another face to face with the Ex. Not good for my recovery!!
Seems he wants to be able to do whatever he wants, for however long he wants, and then who knows, he may come knocking at my door. I'm not going there though. Once I'm dumped, thats it!! Although if he had come around a month ago, I probably would have let him back in. Thankfully I have learned a lot about Alcoholism and its effects on relationships during this past month. I am truly a much stronger woman!! And as much as it still hurts that he did this, I'm sticking to my guns!! No man is gonna walk all over me! Ever hear that saying "love conquers all"? Well, thats a lie. Just because you love someone doesnt mean you should change who you are to accomodate their needs, addictive or not!! Love can not conquer all. Sometimes love just leaves you blind, and not in a good way!
Looking forward to seeing mom tomorrow. I miss her so much!!
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Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want, doesn't mean that they don't love you the best way they know how
