The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I take no credit for this post. Abbyal posted this about a year ago, and it was a saving grace to me. I asked her if I could repost it. She graciously consented. Thank you Abbyal. You rock!
When someone asked me that question many years ago, I though she was nuts, and said what kind of a question is that? Of course I am ready. Then she said can I ask you some questions??? I said sure go ahead (and still thinking she was nuts)
Do you understand the disease of alcoholism/ how it works even if sober?
Are you going to be able to stay out of his recovery and let him do it his way?
If he goes to 8 meetings a week are you going to complain that he isn't home enough?
Are you going to be able not to ask where he has been or where he is going?
Are you going to be able to support him emotionally or become angry when things don't go the way you think they should? Those were just a few of the questions she has asked me over the years.
I was told by a councelor and a recovery A that an A can't go home to an old idea and stay sober. I was the old idea. sheeesh. I had to change to be of any support to him in sobriety.
I am so grateful I got here to f2f meetings before my husband found sobriety. When it did happen and I knew that it was not going to be easy I had gotten into the habit of calling my sponsor and sharing my fears with her. And when I would call her and say "You won't believe what he's doing now!" She would laugh and say "Oh yes I would!" heheh
She taught me to leave his sobriety to him, but carry on with my own recovery. She said it is the best way to support our A's. I am so grateful that I got to meeting and had a support network before he got sober.
I know that I am not responsible for keeping him sober but by changing me, I can give him a reason to try. The old nag = victim would have drove him crazy. So wether they find sobriety or not fixing me is a win win situation. Either way I win. I am on my way to becoming the kind of person I want to be thanks to alanon program.
Oh before I go I hadn't thought much about him finding sobriety. I figured it was a lost cause and he would die drunk. Proof positive that my thinking needed to be changed.
So what kind of shape are you going to be in when and if he finds sobriety?
It doesn't get much better than this. I too am grateful that I found Alanon before he got sober. I too am living a miracle. Hubby passed his 11 month mark this month. I am so proud of him. I can honestly say that miracles do happen. There are many great examples of it here. He is prepared to face his surgery on Monday and that wouldn't have been possible if he hadn't gotten sober. I wouldn't be able to handle all that I have been through, if I didn't change me.
Love and blessings to you and your families.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
It is way too easy for me to forget that I have work of my own to do. I will keep this one in front of me, and try to keep the focus on my own growth. Great reminder!
Thank you so much for posting this. This is the kind of thing that I need to concentrate on. My husband is coming home from rehab on Saturday. Again, thanks for the post!
Thanks (((Karilynn))) This one is a keeper. I am glad I got to Alanon before all this drama occurred two weeks ago. I am able to understand what's going on with my A and just staying out of his way and allowing him to work his program the way he needs to for him. He still has a ways to go, but then so do I. Thank you for the gentle reminder and a good outline of how to handle my AH's sobriety.
Hugs, Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
I like this post. This is so true. I changed myself so when he was ready so was I. I didn't realize how important it was. I became what he wanted so when he was ready I could hold him up. It can be done.
This post is right on. I didn't find al anon until after my ah returned home from rehab and relapsed. Although I don't blame myself for his relapse, the fact that we are both in a program now is paying off 110% for both of us. I wish treatment centers worked with spouses as much as the addict, it could have saved us all alot of heartache.
You rock! 
