The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I knew it was coming, I could see my son (J)'s anger and fear about his father not being home right now. They know their Dad is sick because of drinking too much, but they truly cannot wrap their minds around everything that has happened because I've sheltered them from that. They know their Dad is not a happy person. When he was home he was either stoned or sober and angry. The last couple of months he (Dad) was just not emotionally available for any of us. My son has had the worst attitude and it only starts when we get home after school. All day long he's great, I haven't had any complaints about his behavior. As soon as we get home he becomes irritable, combative, and so whiny. Last night I had to take away T.V. time because he went into the cupboard and took chips without asking, he's been doing this for a while now and nothing I say is re-directing him. I'd had enough and decided o.k. time to step it up and be consistent. Of course he's upset and begins calling out for Daddy. All I said was Daddy would agree with me. The rest of the evening he was just teary eyed. So as he was falling asleep I took the opportunity to just say "Hey I know your scared maybe even angry that Daddy isn't here". His little lip just turned down and tears just started pouring. I just reassured him that I was there not going any where and that Dad is really trying to get better. I have no clue what the future holds for us, but I just tried to give him some comfort. We both cried and all I could say was I'm sorry you are hurting, I"m hurting too and we're going to get through this. He was in a much better mood this morning.
AH got settled into a halfway house yesterday. He started working a temp job this morning to pay for his rent, etc. 6 guys in one apartment, but the program is strong and will hopefully give AH some life skills that he's been needing for a long time. He phoned last night and expressed that he was feeling out of place there. He said let's give this 30 days and see where it goes. I said I won't be ready in 30 days to bring you back home. I still have lots of work to do on my program, finances, etc. For me, its just too soon to tell if he's truly committed to sobriety. I just feel at this point I cannot bring him back in the house too soon without feeling comfortable and seeing some changes first. I don't want to do that to the boys or myself. Maybe I'm being naive and I know recovery could be done anywhere, but honestly at this point, he's so unstable mentally he needs to get stabilized on medication and let some of the program sink in. If he's going to use he's got every opportunity right where he is, it's completely his choice.
We've had some good post on how to deal with kids. I'm trying to be as honest as I can with my 4 year olds but I know they are not emotionally or mentally equipped right now to understand all that their father is going through. Any ESH on how to help the little ones cope with the loss and fear?
Hope everyone has a blessed day. Peace Twinmom~
__________________
"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Your post but tears to my eyes! The way you handled things with your sons was perfect--caring, loving, and honest & in direct response to how he's been feeling. I grew up in an ACOA home and the things I needed help with was: identifying and talking about and expressing my feelings; knowing how to be honest about what was going on without internalizing that it was my fault; help figure out how to take care of myself (in age appropriate ways). Perhaps you could help your son find ways, too, to stay connected to his dad while he's away (i.e. sleeping with dad's favorite shirt, drawing a picture for dad, etc.)
There are great books out there that might be able to help you and the kids. There are kids books on identifying and talking about feelings that you can find at the library and there's also a book called, I believe, "Mama, What's Drunk" that explains alcholism to kids.
One of the best things that was ever told to me flew right in the face of every thing I thought I knew. "Kids understand more than we give them credit for and they are stronger than we think."
As a mom too, I know this isn't easy. As soon as I stopped hiding things from my children, the better it got. No, it's not easy -- it's hard as heck to watch their pain and we want to protect them from it. But the thing is they already know that something isn't right and it's confusing to them. Be honest, allow them to feel whatever it is they are feeling.
Someone here at MIP told me "don't tell them how their father loves them. Leave that to him to show and them to figure out." It was my job to make sure they new that I was there and that I loved them and they could feel safe in knowing that with me even in all the craziness there was some stablity. Letting my children form their own opinion of their father and the events that were going on around them, being there to answer their questions the best I could (and sometime it was with an honest "I don't know") and stopping trying to make things "Okay" when they really weren't okay -- we all got better.
I understand they are 4 yrs old. I use to watch my kids crawl up on their dad passed out just to be close to him. They'd have Barney on. At 4 my daughter would draw pictures of what she heard after I put her to bed -- us aruging. They hear, they see, they understand more than we give them credit for.
I am very sorry you are going thru this. You and your kids are in my prayers.
Hugs to you. You are doing wonderful. I found with my own kids that honesty was the best policy. When I was covering up for my AH w/my 13 year old son (12 at the time), it only made things worse. He couldn't understand why his dad was not around. And when he did show up, he slept for days and then was a grouch for a few days, then fun for a few days - Then bam, the cycle started all over again. And he couldn't understand why I wouldn't allow him to go hang out w/his dad at his friends' houses. As far as he was concerned, he was w/his father so he was safe. So I was being made the "Evil Parent" and he was treating me as such. I finally leveled with him. He took it really hard and still has trouble dealing with it. But at least now he understands where I am coming from and I am not the bad mom any more.
Now my 4 year old daughter is a different story. When my AH was away she thought it was b/c he didn't like our new house. All she wanted to do was move back into our old house so her daddy would come back. She doesn't realize that he was hardly ever there either. It was a bigger house so I guess it wasn't as noticable there when he was gone or was home. She doesn't know about his problems.....just that he likes hanging out with his friends.
You keep doing what you are doing. Show your children your unconditional love for them, your strength, your understanding and you will all pull through this. I am keeping y'all in my thoughts and prayers.
On top of everything else you are dealing with - you have the heartbreak of seeing the pain in those little boys' eyes. It really makes me feel all kinds of emotions toward this disease.
The way that alcoholism affected me as a child was I learned to discount my feelings, to stuff them and not process them. You are allowing your boys the ability to learn how to deal with their emotions in a productive way. That is truly a loving gift.
Your boys are the same age as some of my grandchildren. I see how this disease has already affected them. I see how quickly the unhealthy behaviors are already becoming the norm for them. What time I have with them - I too struggle for ways to show them bits of healthier ways to process all that they have to deal with. It so overwhelms me at some times - I can't imagine the struggles that you have dealing with it 24/7.
I admire your strength & courage and mainly your dedication to your recovery and to teach your young ones a better way. Keep in touch with your HP, seeking guidance, keep taking those few minutes to take care of you and most of all - Remember you don't have to make those decisions about your A coming home today - You can decide what is best for you - ONE DAY AT A TIME.
Peace, Rita
__________________
No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Hi Mom Al-Anon prints and amazing book written for little ones it explains whats happning alot better than we can , It has cartoons and characters that kids understand.it is called Whats Drunk Mama? assures the child it is not thier fault , explains that daddy is sick and talks about showing respect for the alcoholic . hope u can find one . It is a soft covered book easy for kids to handle . hang in there it will get easier . Louise
Sounds like you are doing great, and I really believe that the message to your kids is truly "age dependant". One thing to keep in mind, that certainly helped me, is to try not to answer to or for his relationship with his father, or even go to the issue of what his dad may or may not do, etc.... All you can really do is reassure him that he is loved.... that you love him, and will be there for him. This is all you really know.
Take care Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Just say things in their language. My son grew from the age of four to almost seven now and as the years goes by he understands more. He asks questions and I answer them. I leave up pics of daddy and I've always allowed daddy to come and see them when he could. That's important to know that daddy will still be there. Mine still cry at night cause they miss him even though they can call him on the cell phone 24/7. I never say anything bad about him, I always say nice things no matter what. I let them make cards and letters and emails. He is still very much a role in their lives, I make it a point. Hope this helps.
