Looking for advice/help or anything...(new here) - Al-Anon Family Group

aisling_29 · Newbie

Looking for advice/help or anything...(new here)

aisling_29 · Newbie

ONE MORE THING....I know that this is suppose to be an illness...alcoholism and addiction...but I can't help being angry. I think that there has to be some responsibility to his actions. I don't think that these "diseases" give him a free pass to act this way.

I don't know, I am so damn mad right now..I am just venting. I am sure someone else here knows this story all too well.

Christy · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi aisling and welcome to MIP,

Firstly, I suggest you find an Alanon meeting in your area ASAP so you have your own program to follow. Alanon provides a support system, steps and tools that if utilized promises you serenity.

One of the things about boundaries is that you must stick to them once you say them or they mean nothing. So, I hope you're prepared for divorce if your husband does not seek help. When we make boundaries, they are for our protection. Using them to force someone to comply to our wishes usually doesn't work. More times then not alcoholics do not stop drinking because someone else says to. It's an inside job.

Obviously he cannot be responsible to care for your child. My first plan of action would be to find an alternative. Of course it makes you angry to have to do so, but I'd rather be angry then risk a child's safety. Then, you could safely focus on your needs.

Alanon offers answers and solutions. Perhaps not the ones you would imagine, but they exist.

take care
Christy

Kim65 · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome, Aisling! Yup, your story is all too familiar to most of us, but we know how to help YOU help yourself. In doing so, it will help your alcoholic indirectly, but the real promises of working with Alanon is relief from the pain you are feeling. Keep an open mind and heart.

Try to attend an Alanon meeting as soon as you can, and pick up the literature handed out for newcomers to get you started.

Regarding your second post about the disease . . . not a one of us believes it gives the alcoholic a free pass for anything. The alcoholic is the only one who can choose to stop drinking and begin recovery, which makes them the only responsible party for their actions.

So we focus on ourselves. It's possible to create a very happy and fulfilling life for ourselves whether or not the alcoholic in our lives decides to quit or not. To me, at first, I imagined all these women with big plastic grins on their faces pretending to be happy, joyous and free while their alcoholics lay passed out on the couch :D . I was so wrong! It's beginning to work for me, my alcoholic is actively drinking and drugging, and is somewhere doing God knows what as we speak, but I'm looking forward to my day. That is a miracle, in my situation, and in all our situations. It's possible for you, too. Do keep coming to the board to vent and ask questions, that's what we're here for. Keep an open mind like I said, as this program is NOT what I expected anyway! Much, much better than I ever hoped.

Take care of YOU and that precious little boy first! Kim

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome , u have a right to be angry it's normal . I would keep medication in your purse at all times for one thing it is expensive . I am guessing your not attending al anon meetings for yourself , I hope u consider going it will help u so much u will have people who understand u and will help u get your life back on track . venting is great but I feel if I am not looking for solutions I am part of the problem. Al Anon will offer solutions for your anger and frustrations when dealing with this disease andit's many nasty symptoms . You need support from people who have been where your at and can walk u thru it.
Don't be dissapointied if husb dosent get help right away , when confronted they will do and say anything to get us off thier backs . There is nothing u can do about him but alot u can do for yourself . good luck Louise
I have a few pieces of literature that may help u will be happy to email it to you , you can get my email by just clicking on profile under my name .

aisling_29 · Newbie

Thanks to both of you for your reply. He contacted me via email and told me he has set up an appt. for an addiction specialist and has downloaded a meetings schedule for our area. (I have downloaded a meetings schedule for Al-Anon).

I just can't help it that I am so angry though. Here I am at a time in my life when I need him the most and he has pulled this crap. (Not that it happened out of the "blue". I have been noticing the signs for a while now.) He has always said, I can quit anytime, I don't need to drink. And he will for awhile, then it starts back up again. But now taking PILLS! Or should I say STEALING PILLS? Good god!! How low can he go?

We just purchased our dream home last year and things were really looking up. I feel so betrayed. He has let me down and he has let his son down, not to mention he put our son in possible harms way.

Do people ever get to a point where they can trust the other person again? Has anyone had there A. recover and move on to a healthy relationship again? I don't want a divorce, but I refuse to subject my son to a drunk/druggie. Furthermore, I refuse to subject myself to that either.

God this sucks.

aisling_29 · Newbie

Thanks. Read my reply below to the other posts. On his own, he has made an appt. for tomorrow with an addiction specialist and has a list of meetings to go to. I know he is truly sorry and doesn't want to be like this. He had an alcoholic mother growing up and resents her to this day for it. (Then why the hell repeat it I say??) Anyway, I am definititely going to an Al-Anon meeting myself. On my way home from work, I am stopping and buying a lock box for my medications. If he sticks with counseling, I will then agree to joint couples counseling when I have calmed down. I will do everything in my power to save my marriage and my son's dad. But I will never, never, EVER enable him or "stand by my man". I am too strong for that. I love my son and myself more than that. There is a threshold of decency that I demand to be treated with and that I expect for my son as well. It is a threshold that I think everyone should demand, to be treated with decency and integrity. What he is doing goes against this and I will not tolerate, condone or enable it. I will offer help, he will take it or I will divorce him, no matter how painfull. It would be too painfull to watch the alternative.

Thanks for listening to my rant.

Rita G · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to our recovery family.

Hate to hear about your physical condition & also about the affect of alcoholism on your family.

My AH & my eldest daughter both suffer with addictions with alcohol & prescription drug addiction. One is in recovery, one isn't. But the most important thing - is that I AM. Al-Anon has been a life saver for me. Attending meetings, reading the literature, working the 12 steps with sponsor & posting here at MIP - this is what helps me to work on me & helps me to learn to live Happy, Joyous & Free regardless of the other people in my life.

I hope that you will continue to post & that you will find the recovery information helpful.

Don't give up before the miracles happen in you - You deserve them.

Rita

carosie · Senior Member

((Aisling))))
Welcome to the MIP family. Glad you found us. Sorry to hear what you are going through. As someone else said in Alanon you will learn the tools to help you. Anger is something we all can relate to. Know the anger will pass...resurface and will pass again. The things that have helped me deal with my anger is to get to face to face meetings...talk with people who really do understand. The other thing I do is to journal about it. Getting the anger out helps it pass...then I can deal with what else I'm feeling which can be betrayal, fear and who knows what else. Another thing that has helped me is to learn about the disease.
Sounds like a good idea to have a lock box or to keep your meds with you.
You do have a right to take the meds you need.
Take care of you..you are worth it.
your friend in recovery,
rosie

-- Edited by carosie at 09:55, 2007-04-26

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.