The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well maybe not "new". I've been lurking for about a month and have learned a lot and want to thank you all for helping me to realize that I'm not the only one living with an alcoholic and feeling what I'm feeling. My stories closely match all your stories and the similarity is scary sometimes.
I've been with my AH for 9 years and since December I've been really banging my head against the wall. We have kids (8,8 and 4). I'm pretty much at the end of my rope and need to switch gears. I've read Co-dependant No More and Getting them Sober and I have One Day at a Time in Alanon (I think that's what it's called). I have been journaling like a mad woman, including letters I don't intend to send. I have yet to get to a f2f meeting although I do intend to go.
Welcome Delilah!! Ive been lurking around here for a little more than a month. This message board has truly helped me understand the effects of the miserable diseased called alcoholism and how it can pull down a relationship. I cant tell you how much I recommend attending F2F mtgs. They have truly helped me. I wish I had the courage to attend them sooner than I did.
This is a great place to vent when you cant make a mtg. The people here are awesome!! I've gotten replies to some of my posts that I truly take to heart. It really helps you learn to deal with the issues surrounding a partner with alcoholism, at least it helped me tremendously.
I also thought the similiarity in some of the posts was so like mine!! It is scary.
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Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want, doesn't mean that they don't love you the best way they know how
I have never been to a f2f meeting. I had counseling with a therapist and also sat in with a group of woman who dealt with various bad things. I also went to anger management through my church. I found God through this chaotic journey. We all find our own ways to deal with the alcoholic. I find alot of help here. My children are young so I have no sitter to be able to go out to f2f meetings. Welcome and I hope we get to know you more and can help you through this journey, it's not an easy one. (((BIG HUGS)))
Welcome to MIP. You certainly shouldn't be scared of the similarities in our stories. I found it gruesomely comforting, because I was going insane in my own world thinking my story was unique.
Face to face meetings can be an absolute life savor. Not everyone goes, and some attend the online chat meetings here. I find a different kind of support in the different settings. My meetings have very little venting, and are stuffed with compassion and growth.
My experience with this family online is one of acceptance, allowing me to air my feelings. That is new ground for me as a southern guy who grew up in an alcoholic home. All of a sudden my feelings are not only valid... they are important for me to understand and share as part of my growth.
I am more comfortable doing that here, at my own pace.
You are not alone. I hope you will post more and possibly try a few meetings. If you have been reading those books, you know the most loving thing you can do for the A in your life is to take care of yourself and your children. He has a HP, and they have work to do while you are busy with your recovery.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I'm with rtexas! One of the things I have heard in both AA and Al-anon meetings is that one of the things that makes these programs work is looking for the similiarities between us instead of the differences.
Focusing on the differences can make us doubt whether or not we have a problem that "qualifies" us for this program, and cause us to turn our backs on it. Looking for the things that make us similiar opens our minds and allows us to embrace this beautiful, simple program of recovery.
So glad you decided to join us - but also hate that you have been affected by this awful disease.
I, like Rtexas & David, find so much healing in my f2f meetings. Walking into a room of people that "get me" is a true blessing for me. So many times when I share about things I am struggling with in my recovery, I see members shaking their heads in agreement, looking at me with understanding eyes, I know they have experienced the same thing.
It happens that way here also - we post our trials, difficulties, pains - then the tiny steps of recovery, the way we have progressed, overcome and the joy we begin to experience - and people we have never met reply with similiar experiences.
We have been affected by an awful disease, but in recovery this disease can also be a the wonderful thing that has brought us to a place where we can learn to live happy, joyous and free regardless of the situation with the A's in our lives.
So again, welcome to our family - hope that you will continue to read those wonderful books, post here and take good care of YOU - You deserve it.
Wishing you Peace, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Thanks everyone. It does feel good to hear the similarities in our lives.
By nature (going back to when I was a kid) I tend to be a private person and believe that my business is my business and I could solve my own problems. I'm slowly letting go of that idea. It's hard but little by little I have to let it out.
I didn't grow up with alcoholism in my family so I was pretty much broadsided by it when I realized that my AH had/has a problem. I've spent the past 8 years trying to get him to realize he needs help. Foolish but at the time I really felt like if he would just listen to me and stop drinking everything would be fine. He did attend AA meetings for about a month 2 years ago but decided that wasn't for him. He left the meetings wanting to drink. He's in complete denial, lives in his own fantasy world and continuously makes me out to be the crazy one. He lies so much I've come to not believe anything he says to me anymore and no longer trust him. He spends a lot of his time sleeping or just not being present. His personal hygeine has gone out the window and physically I am no longer attracted to him. I know deep inside is a great guy but I can't see him anymore. He's just not supporting his family. The cycle of working and collecting unemployment and still no money either way is maddening. Financially we are constantly back pedaling. He is currently collecting unemployment and sitting around waiting for a phone call to go back to work. I get really frustrated with the constant non-action to find work or just another line of work (he'a carpenter). He's borrowed TONS of money from his parents in the past 6-7 years just to make ends meet. They keep handing it over to him which just burns my butt. His mom used to attend Al-anon meetings and pointed me towards the literature. So I don't get the constant enabling. Even when I was working he was still borrowing money. His parents always swoop in and clean up behind him. "Oh, you crashed your truck, here take mine, it's old and I need a new one anyway." "Oh, you need $ so that your family has insurance, here you go" I feel like I live with a 17 year old that never grew up and learned to take care of himself. I want to give him back to his parents and let them deal his crap.
Last week I sat down and calmly told him how I felt and that I don't want any part of this life anymore and will leave and move on without him at the end of the school year. (My father died in October and left behind a big old house that is in need of repair and my sisters are willing to let me escape there. We are still in the process of clearing it out of tons of crap, can you say "pack rat"?). His reaction was to run away to my dad's house to do some work. He's been there for 8 days now. When I talk to him on the phone it's like everything is "normal" on his end. I've been real brief with him. I think he thinks that things will blow over and return to "normal". NOT this time.
