The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Not exactly a step back, but stepping back from my AH. I have some extreme abandonment issues...this has caused me to hold too tightly to my AH. This past week, when we went for a week without talking, touching, or anything, I decided I was really going to have to change myself. So, I am distancing myself from my AH in a physical way. He has said before that I smother him....I love him so much, I am a touchy-feely type person....but he is is not. He has been so angry acting with me for the past 2 years over an incident that is in the past, but that was caused by my reaction to his drinking.....and I kept trying to force us to get along, force his feelings for me to return (mine never left, in spite of all I went thru with him). So, I don't go up to kiss him, I wait for him to come to me..I don't tell him I Love You...I wait for him to say it first. I am so tired of being ignored, emotionally I am (or was until last Saturday) a mess. I cried all the time. Hurt so bad I though I would die. Things have been much better since I backed off. I feel better. Of course, I don't get as many hugs or kisses as I would like, but at least when he does, it is because HE wants to, not because I make the first attempt. This is a lot less painful for me. I am taking care of myself. I have friends, go places, do things, but the person I most want to be with is my husband. Unfortunately, he apparently doesn't feel the same way about me right now. Maybe he will someday. For now, this is the best way to take care of myself. Just let him alone. Really turn him over to his own HP. Thanks for always being here. Love in Recovery, Becky1
You are right about a big giant step.... but I think you got your directions mixed up. I have said it before, my biggest enemy is myself, and my expectations. Now, I am a guy, and not a very mushy one at that. But what I see in your post is taking care of yourself (and your emotions) and giving him the room to express himself the way he wants to.
Live and let live, right? Live your life and make it a good one.... and allow him the dignity to do the same.
That is far from backwards to me! Hang in there, I think you are doing great. May not meet your expectations at times, but maybe the expectations are what your picture of normal would be. My picture of normal is never going to fit my relationship with my AW, and I am starting to be ok with that. (not completely, but I am getting there. LOL)
Take care of you! You deserve it!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
This is true self care speaking in your post. It's counter-intuitive, to back off from what you want to GET what you need. Sounds like you reached a very important threshold of growth for yourself. I know it hurts like hell, and you're doing it anyway. That's impressive.
I too crave touching and physical closeness, but I wall it off, it hurts even more to be touched and then abandoned over and over by a person who can't take care of him/herself much less take care of us.
Everyone is different, but there are ways to meet the physical needs. Some people go for regular body work, massage, and there are lots of hugs in Alanon meetings :D. The cyberhugs aren't bad, either.
I also, besides needing to be touched, need to touch and hug and love on other people. I have a plethora of nonhuman creatures to do this with. I have four goslings who LOVE to be held and loved on, and it is the highlight of my evening, when everyone is in 'bed', chores are done and it's ME time. Even though they are dogs, chickens, geese and goats, they love me and need me and fulfill my needs to care for others. I receive satisfaction I never would have imagined with motherly animal love. Just an example of how I met my needs given my situation. Not everyone can or should get a baby goose, but the principle is still the same. I hope you find that way for yourself, Becky!
When women are not strong and secure, they let a man define who they are, what their feelings will be for the day etc. You wake up and if he hasn't called or did this or that, then we are unhappy and depressed. He has a problem that has nothing to do with you. He will never be who you want him to be until he faces his demons and becomes sober. Until and if that day comes, you should cut your ties to him and start building a life that will make you happy. I don't know how old you are but life is way too short to waste on anything that makes us unhappy. This is one problem that is a deal breaker in a relationship. Please don't spend years unhappy when there is a life out there that will make you happy. Find it. I am involved with a man who is dealing with his drinking. He slips up a couple times a year for a few hours. I am not happy with that but my life the other 10 months is beautiful with him. He knows that if he starts drinking on a regular basis I will be gone. I have made a plan B so I know I will be fine if I need to leave. And I will leave because my happiness is the most important thing to me. Make your happiness the most important thing to you.
(((Beck)) workin that program! ~ yes! i as i read your post said to me.. youare just finding ways to ... *detach with love * its a healthy thing to do. i agree, sometimes not easy. but it does get easier. I always am able to seeee a difference in areas of my life. then i ask, do i prefer this as it is more healthy.... or that which brings me only chaos and drama?
*Turn It Over. your gettttin busy. good for you. hold on..im going to turn on happy dancin' music. ... step back, forward, back youuuuu. (steppin is what we alanoners do.haha)
Yes! Yes. even though your not driving..(lol.. msincontrolll..) hugs and kisses canbecome more precious and wonderfull. turning your AH over to his HP is one of the healthiest things you can do for yourself. wether he wants to handed over not. you can.lol. ("god love him." [i say.] ) enjoy the moments of quiet and the moments of laughter. you know what is best for you, becky. making your home one of love and stability for you and your children is a wonderful blessing. a priority. love and stability. your doing it. and your AH sees it too. doesnt matter if he speaks up recognizing it..... just know he sees it. HP has a plan. HP hold and give you strength and also HP guide you with diligence and " consistency. " (the word... and the definition of consistency came to me because it was last nites meeting topic. wonderful thing... consistency.)
To add a little insight to my post, I have known my AH for almost 28 years, but he was in another relationship and so was I. We did end up dating for 2 years in the late 80's, then broke up for 9 years, and I married someone else, who I did not love. I married him on the rebound from the breakup with my A, figured what the heck, my life was never going to be happy anyway. My AH and I reconnected in 1997 after I divorced. AH and I got married in 2000. My AH is the only man I can honestly say I have truly loved. I have been married 4 other times, (in rapid succession.) My Dad was an A, who died when I was 16 from cirrhosis. (Maybe I've been looking for my Dad all this time, who knows.) My daughter's dad was a compulsive liar ( I divorced him when my daughter was not yet 2), the next one was a druggie, the next one an A who drank 2 fifths of vodka a day, and the next one was a non-drinking, non-drugging control freak. My AH is the love of my life and has been for over 20 years. Have never felt about anyone else the way I do him. We have shared a lot of fun and laughter and closeness over the years. We enjoy a lot of the same things, camping, fishing. We each have grown children, his son and my daughter. We have a little granddaughter who lives 6 hours away(his A son's baby). She is the delight of my heart, she just turned 3. In her I see all the sweetness and innocence my AH once had. I have always been independent (in spite of all the crappy relationships I have had!) I have always worked, and taken care of myself. My AH works every day, he has a good job, is a hard worker. I am thankful for the Alanon program, even tho I slip a lot at times, I have learned to pick myself back up, and start over. It allows me the freedom to love myself, but yet still love my AH, as I realize he has a disease. I don't know the future, but unless a miracle happens, I don't see him ever getting sober, as he doesn't admit to having a problem. Heartbreaking. But, for today, I am going to stay. We never even talk about his disease. I just do what I need to. Thanks for the replies. Love you all. Becky1
Sometimes distance is the best sweet lady. It's also a protection mechansim. I find that I will put an emotional wall up when I don't want to get hurt.
I think it's wonderful that you are working your program. Taking the focus off of him and putting it back on you is the way to go.
Love and blessings to you and your family. Much love to the kitties too.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
even though your not driving..(lol.. msincontrolll..) hugs and kisses canbecome more precious and wonderfull. turning your AH over to his HP is one of the healthiest things you can do for yourself. 
wether he wants to handed over not. you can.lol. ("god love him." [i say.] ) enjoy the moments 
of quiet 
and the moments o
f laughter. you know what is best for you, becky. 
(his A son's baby). She is the delight of my heart, she just turned 3. In her I see all the sweetness and innocence my AH once had.
