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I keep going back and forth with this, but I don't think I want to be married to my AH anymore. I don't even think I love him. And I don't think that it all has to do with his drinking. I feel so pathetic. I was almost relieved that he finally admitted he was an A, and admitted other things that happened because of his drinking. I was relieved because I kind of saw that as my light at the end of the tunnel, like maybe some day I now have an excuse to leave him. Sometimes I wish he'd mess up more so I'd have even more reason. But then sometimes he's so sweet, and he goes a couple days without drinking and I think that maybe he's trying to actually quit (he won't go to AA or anything like that) and I feel bad about wanting to leave, and make the decision to make this marriage work. But those moments are fleeting. Most of the time I'm disgusted by him, either because of his drinking or his manners (he's a complete slob), or I just want to kill him because he refuses to help me with the house or the kids and he's selfish, or I just want to run away from him because of him yelling at me or calling me names, or just plain making me feel like crap. Most of the time I just don't care what happens to him and to us. But I get huge feelings of guilt because I don't want my kids coming from a broken family. I don't want them to only see their daddy on the weekends and have to go back and forth. I don't think I could handle the look on their faces if I ever left him. I can't stand to see them hurt. But I don't know if I can live like this the rest of my life. I live in this constant daydream about being with someone else or (and I'm so ashamed of saying/feeling this) my H dying, because that's the only way I'll get out of this marriage. I don't know what is wrong with me. I feel like the crappiest person for feeling the way I do. And he has no clue I feel this way. He knows I'm unhappy, in fact he gets angry at me because I'm depressed, but I really don't think he relates that to himself. I've been depressed for so long and I think it's just getting worse. Sometimes I dream about getting in my car and just driving....driving as far away as I can and changing my name and starting all over again. But of course that just adds to the guilt because if I want to run away, that means I want to leave my kids. And I don't, I love my kids so much. They're my whole life, so why aren't they enough to keep me happy? I'm just so confused and depressed. Sorry this is so long, it's been awhile since I've vented. Thanks for listening.
Did I write this? It sounds so much like how I've felt in the past year - even down to the AH checking out. The one thing I make sure I pay every month is the life insurance policy on him. If he dies before my son is 10 (we only took out a 10 year policy, since his drinking wasn't as bad back then, and I never imaged being where we are now), we'll collect.
I left him last fall, took the kids and moved in with my mother (and there must be another support board for that somewhere!) The kids were unhappy about Mommy and Daddy maybe getting a divorce - but kids are pretty resilient, and I'd rather have them unhappy about that than wondering why Daddy is laying in bed all day again, or counting 20+ empty beer cans - something even my then 3 year old was doing at the time, or waking them up in the middle of the night to go pick him up at some bar so he won't drive home drunk, or having the police arrest him in front of them... the list goes on and on.
You're talking about making a life-changing decision, and you are the only one who knows what's right for you. Take the time to think things through, maybe write down the pros and cons of staying versus leaving. And you might want to consider talking to a counselor or other medical professional about the fact that you're depressed. With little ones I know it's hard to get out, but you have to take care of yourself so that you can take care of them. (I say this a lot better than I do it!)
I can relate to every single thing you said (except being married to a guy... not likely I will do that, LOL) Have you been to meetings? Do you have any literature? I can relate to where you are so well because it hasn't been that long since I was saying and feeling the same way.
In alanon it is suggested that you go to as many meetings and read everything you can get your hands on for 6 months, then see what you think. I was so upset, so twisted inside and out that I couldn't make the kind of decissions you are trying to make.
It was a good suggestion for me. My depression and suicial thoughts, I can now see, was from being so out of touch with reality that I was feeling guilty for not making a decission. I came to understand that "deciding" to not decide today... is a valid decission.
Give yourself time to find out what you are up against.
Most of all, take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I think maybe I wrote it too. I've felt guilty and kind of horrified at little daydreams of the AH going to prison or dying . . . for me it is just the wish for this chaos and pain to be over. Since life doesn't work this way and I don't really want these things to happen for HIS sake, I just take it for my own desperation, and turn back to myself, the only person I can do anything about.
It is IMO much worse on the kids to watch their mother go under (so that they have no available parents) than to be missing their Dad but have a healthy happy Mom. My dad was an A, and I used to pray that my parents would divorce and he'd just go away. Your kids are already from a broken home, and they know it.
I really agree with rtexas, in spite of all this get yourself some help with Alanon meetings, get some energy infused into you so you can see where you are more clearly. I sense you are pretty depressed too, and encourage you to do whatever you can to get yourself what you need. We are not made out of teflon (right, BlueCloud?? :D ) or cast iron, we break down after a while. Please take care and come back to keep us posted!
when i was at this point of my relationship, I had to do work. I had to keep MY side of the street clean. I had to be honest. Honest with myself and my Higher Power.
I also concur with RTX, that I won't be married to a guy. :) and, yes, get to a meeting!!!
much love, cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
"But I get huge feelings of guilt because I don't want my kids coming from a broken family."
Others have addressed you so ably, Minnie. So I will concur and add this about your quote above: There are much worse outcomes for your children to have to endure than the break-up of you and their father. One of those things is having them know that you are miserable, but staying for "their sakes." Children are remarkable resilient. The love of two parents, together or not, is what is important to them. The discord of an unhappy household is far more damaging to them than your happy separation. In a perfect world, all of you would live happily ever after, but some things are not meant to be.
I send best wishes to you and yours,
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Wow. I will jump on the band wagon of "did I write this?" too.
Please know that your feelings have been shared by so many of us.
If you are not going to meetings, please try to find one and go.
I remember at one point in my marriage being so absolutely miserable and hopeless. I was driving to work one morning and had to pull over because I was crying so hard I could not see where I was going. At that moment I begged God to please help me. That I didn't want to live like this anymore.
It took a little time and it didn't go down the trail that I would have chosen, but He did help me. The thing that He did that helped me the most was guide me to this program. Since then, things get better every day. Not necessarily with the world and life that goes on around me, sometimes things happen that still suck so bad, but what gets better every day is me.
I don't live like "that" anymore. You don't have to either. All you have to do is gather up the courage to change the most important thing you can, yourself.
Thank you for posting, thank you for reaching out.
I can so relate. I can also say I feel like "did I write this". I went as far as trying to kill my ah, that's how messed up I got. I knew I had to get away. Getting him away from me was the BEST thing I ever did for me and the kids and probably for him too. I had to take it to the point of not even talking to him on the phone for weeks at a time because I didn't even want to "hear" the alcohol. Ironically I quit drinking because I was so repulsed. I thought about being with someone else too but after counseling I realized that his alcoholism had me so mentally messed up that I don't think I could have been in a functioning normal relationship because it would have been calm. I was told that once your out of the alcoholic relationship and into a normal one that we will look for chaos because we are so used to the "excitement" of the alcoholic ways that a normal relationship would bore us. That's why it's important that we get counseling before we get into a new relationship. I have three little children and I did get to the point where I had to sit them down and tell them about divorce and what it meant. They are 6,5,5. Here is about the way it went "Mommy and Daddy love you all so much and this desision is not because of anything that you did. Daddy is sick because of alcohol (totally different converstation to explain that one) and it's mommy's job to protect you from the sickness. Daddy is trying very hard to get better but we are not sure if he can. We might have to move into a new house and we get to take all your things so it will be just like this home. You will still see daddy and be able to hug and kiss him and he will never stop loving you but mommy has to make it better for you guys" I asked if they had questions and they did and I took them one by one as they came. I didn't cry because I wanted to be their strong parent, their safe parent. They were ok. I would be more then happy to talk with you through pm. It's really hard but in your heart of hearts you HAVE to do what's right for you and those kids. Sorry this is so long. Your perfectly normal sweetheart. We are here for you.
As you can tell, so many of us have felt similiar to the way you are feeling.
During the 10 plus yrs of active drinking/using in our marriage, I prayed, begged, pleaded to the God of my understanding then that both my AH & I would die - I knew our daughters would be much better without either of us. I drove over a bridge to work every day & prayed that I could drive off that bridge into that murky water below so that I would not feel the pain of living the life I was in.
Now I am such a different person - I have been attending Al-Anon meetings for over 3 yrs. I am learning to live Happy, Joyous & Free regardless of the situations with the A's in my life. There is hope and help. I wish for you that you would find that inner peace also. I found mine through meetings, reading Al-Anon literature, working with a Sponsor, the 12 Steps, and sharing here at MIP.
There are miracles waiting for You on a path to recovery.
Wishing you Peace, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I also could have written this. I'm dealing with the exact same feelings right now but instead of depression I'm dealing with a lot of anger and resentment. I have young kids (8,8,4) and I try really hard to focus on what's best for them and me.
