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I am a very grateful member of al-anon. Over the last few months anger has consumed my life, a rage within me that even I couldnt seem to control. This just isn't me...I can get angry, but this was so different. It was all consuming.
When I look back I see that it started when my father had his heart attack last Aug. and mom came to stay with me. Many of you know my mother past away the end of January, her illness required more work than anyone one person could or should take on. But my father had done it and of course, a younger person like myself SHOULD be able to do it.....it almost killed me. The lack of sleep, the constant care, tending to my own children, home, life etc.
Life was so insane then. There were people who knew, they would say things like you can have a bad day every now and then. My response..."not today" with a smile. God they pissed me off. There started my anger. If I was going to go thru this I sure as heck didnt need someone telling me how bad it was, good grief don't you think I knew it?? Bless them .... augh, they were my church family. I was so angry at them.
My mothers illness has been my life for the past 8 months, it's been a big part of my life for several years as I was the only child in town, responsible by default LOL. Oh well, I can honestly say I have no regrets. I was there. It was hard, only I couldn't see how hard at the time. And I sure as heck didn't want anyone pointing it out to me. At our Al-anon Christmas party (those are so much fun) I had X-amount of time since the A had the kids, so I got there on time, and really had a blast, laughed so hard I cried. But when it was time to go, it was time to go. Only as I left I heard someone I love dearly tell someone else, "Her life is hell right now." Damn it....NO IT WASNT. That just flamed the fires of anger. Yet again someone who just couldn't let me have a smile on my face and chug thru the bumps in life....I was FINE. Boy these people who loved me were realllllly pissing me off.
Thru all of this my A was, like most As, self centered lacking in every way. Not there emotionally for me or his children. Absent in body and spirit. Well, I could be angry with those who loved me for a little while, but hey here was someone that I could be reallllllly angry with and I had cause LOL. So guess who became my focus. Augh.
By mid January, I knew my mom was going to go soon. I made all the calls, no one seemed to understand, she was leaving us soon. My father had the biggest case of denial you'd ever seen. Even that Sunday I couldn't get the hospice nurse to understand she was leaving us. Crap, I could have screamed it from the roof top and no one seemed to hear. Early Monday morning she died. All hospice said was, "You knew before we did."
I was so angry, not at my mothers death. I was glad she had been released out of this world. She had told me for months she "wanted to go home" to be with Jesus. She'd just look at me and say I want to go home. So anyhow, you know the deal with funerals, they can bring out the best and worst in people. I could have killed my sister over a piece of chicken (long story, but I'd have been justified LOL we Al-anoners can justify about anything.)
Once everyone went back to their lives, mine had this huge hole in it. I had all this time that had been used for my mother So why not obsess about the A. He became the reason I was so-- oh I dont even know what I was, but it was his fault. I told three people how I wish I could just send him to hell in a ball of flames. This is SO NOT me. I would never wish that on anyone.
One of these people knew I needed to get away, so mid-March the kids and I went to Cullowhee, NC I dont' believe there are more beautiful mountains any place else on this earth. It was amazing, my friends family was amazing. We stayed in a little cabin her great grandfather had built. I felt like wind had blown thru my soul. Here is where I asked God, Why? Because as soon as I found a moment of peace, I got the news that my A was being flown into Manhattan for a stay at a 4 star hotel, going to be picked up and carried to a yacht for a dinner cruise and flown back. Okay, God, I didn't need to know this, I didn't want to know this. In my head I went to sending him back to hell. Thinking about how unfair things were. That lasted about two hours. Then I prayed and prayed. Because the only thing that had changed from two hours before was me. Everything was just as beautiful as it was before getting this info. I was NOT going to let my anger destroy this. So I thought about how everything I have needed has come to me. I may have to shop at GoodWill, but there has not been one thing that I have needed that I have had to do without. There was enough $ to pay the bills and here I was in the middle of the most beautiful mountains because of a friend. How could I let my mind rob me of this gift. I had a choice. It wasn't worth giving away my peace...the first peace I had had in so long. It was hard to keep my focus, but I did.
Over the weeks since my mothers death, there were other funerals to attend. A family friend, the father of one of my best friend...seemed like death was all around me. I had been back from the mountains only three days when I got a call from my friend whos father had past. I thought she was calling to chat about a baby shower coming up or just to talk thru the loss of a parent. She called to ask me to pray. Two hours before her son (7 ½) had been killed in a auto accident. I've never had the breath taken from me before. This loss I can't even write about. All I can say is that nothing seemed to matter anymore. Nothing my A did. Nothing that broke and needed repair. Nothing that in life we would call a problem or irritation. I got up every morning and looked at my son a year older than hers, and knew my friend didn't have that anymore. I am blessed that she found she could talk and share with me. Selfishly I wanted to some how help her, I knew that would help me. I'm grateful to God for my friend, she is an amazing person.
So with that, I found that my heart didn't have room for the anger. Rtexas replied to one of my post about hating this disease by saying he didn't have room to hate. I pondered that for so long. I understand it now. It takes up too much energy. It's like God just reached down and said "Okay, L, let me show you wha'ts beyond the anger." Guess what I saw? My A. He's so screwed up. I was so angry I didn't recognize that he was trying in his own way. Giving what little that he had to give. And I got to see that he actually knew he was screwing up....augh, he was trying and knew he couldn't even get it right. I don't feel sorry for him, but I do know that in my anger, I wasn't helping I was making it worse. I hurt, so I found someone easy to punish.
Today is an amazing day. A full 24 hrs. I choose to live it. Be aware of it. Appreciate it. I choose not to live in anger today there just isn't room for it.
I am a grateful member of Al-anon. Thank you all for your prayers and pm. I couldn't have made it without them. Love you all !
Thank you for that. I have spent a lot of time lately being angry. In fact, I have been angry so much lately (about things in the past) that I probably missed out on good times. It is really hard to see straight sometimes with that anger, but your post really puts that into perspective.
What a great share, thank you! That festering anger is a poison . . . I've had another anger fest "lifted" from me in the last few days, nothing like having it gone to gratefully acknowlege how much it saps my energy, ruins the enjoyment of what IS enjoyable in my life, thankfully plenty.
I am looking within to find that 'switch' so to speak. I know it hinged on my willingness not to hold onto the abuses. As soon as my A took off on another binge last Thurs -- fancy this -- the anger has sort of evaporated. Perhaps not having his presence in the house allowed me some space to let my guard down and Let God . . . if he comes back the way he has in the past, I hope to keep this relief from the anger. I used to DREAD his return, but I don't feel that way now, he could walk in at any moment and that will be the way it is. I think I hang on to the anger when I believe there is no HP taking care of my life, or when I think I AM the HP around here, I know best, I'm so abused by this situation, yada yada.
There's a 'satisfaction' in being angry and resentful of the A, an ego thing I think. Then I'm right, he's wrong, and to blame for everything going wrong. If only he'd (insert anything here), EVERYTHING would be OK. Then I realized I could still do what needed doing in spite of how much the A is screwing up . . . hmm, seems like there's no connection there :D . . . oh dear, I'm not functioning because HE'S not functioning . . . . waitaminnit!
So glad you posted this, it helped me put some stuff into words I hadn't done yet.
That was such a beautiful post. I have tears in my eyes.
Anger can be an all comsuming emotion that will eat you alive if you let it. There are times when it's hard not to be hateful and angry. But I have to remind myself why give into that? I can say that you have had far more insight than I ever had.
You've had a long hard road lately. But I see your growth and strength and that makes this old woman smile. Keep doing what you're doing. We're blessed to have you here.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
What a powerful post full of ESH. So proud of you. Have seen you grow exponentially since you first came here. "The journey of 1,000 miles begins with but a single step." And you, my friend, have come hundreds of miles.
Love Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
