The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I went to my first meeting last night. I was scared - terrified in fact. My A knew I was going - she was so proud of me. Everyone at the meeting was so warm and wonderful, I sat like a rabbit caught in the headlights. But, at the end of the meeting, a lovely lady (M) handed me her phone number and told me to call her if I needed to. I honestly didn't think I would need to.
I got home, called my A. We talked for a long time. Everything felt good, and I went to bed with a sense of peace.
Oh, but how things change. I got a message from my A this morning telling me that she had snapped, she wanted to drink and was leaving town to stay with some friends 5 hours drive away. Instantly I went into meltdown. I called her, she was crying and sobbing that she couldn't do it, that she wanted to drink. I tried to calm her down, told her I loved her, probably told her all the things that allow her to have such control over me. But then I realised - even if I didn't quite believe it - that I couldn't be there for her the way she needed me to be. I told her to call her sponsor.
Went for coffee with a friend, checked my mobile phone obsessively. Worried about her. Talked about her. Called her on my way back home and she was already in the car and driving. She had called her sponsor but hadn't been able to talk to her. But she had spoken to two people from her AA meeting - they had called her when she hadn't shown up to her morning meeting. I know she's running away, and she knows it, but doesn't care. She's cancelled her work for the day just so she can run.
We talked, I cried, felt lost and responsible and powerless. But I think I did something positive. I got home and I called M - the lady that gave me her number last night. She listened, just listened. I don't know if it's given me a strategy, but it helped to know I was being listened to.
I've made a decision. Even as I type this I know I could pick up the phone and call my A. I could spend the next three or four hours on the phone to her, while she drives, making sure she's not 'alone', being there for her. But if I do that, then who's there for me? So I'm not going to call her. Not yet anyway. I know the 'not yet' isn't great but I'm taking babysteps. I could call her, but I won't. Not yet. Instead, I called M and then when M let me go, I came on here and typed this. And when I've done here I'm going to get my children from school and I'm going to be here for them instead of abandoning them to be there for my A.
I will call her later - because I love her. But I'm trying to do it on my terms. I have a lecture this evening and so I'm going to call her from my handsfree when I'm driving over to it. That gives me a defined time that I can be available to her, and I won't be quite so much at her beck and call. I'll call when I leave the house at 6pm and can talk to her for only half an hour. Then I'll be at my lecture and doing something for me. After that, later on - I don't know. I can't think that far ahead.
So right now I'm going to sign off, I'm going to go upstairs and apply a little make-up to cover up my red eyes - my daughters don't need to see that I've been crying. Then I'm going to bring them home, cook for them be around them, be the mum they need me to be.
I love her - my A - so damn much it just tears me apart, but unless I start taking care of me... *shrug* I don't quite believe this yet, but if I keep telling myself then maybe one day I will do.
It is time, Englishrose, to take care of yourself. You have become mired in the troubles of your A, and you are sinking deeper and deeper into the pit. Dig yourself out now while you still can. There is no joy in crying, being miserable, and spending all your time obsessing over her. And we must make our lives joyous. To live without joy is not to live at all. And at the end of the day, what can you do for her that she is unwilling to do for herself? You DO have control of your actions though. Don't lose sight of that.
My prayers and positive thoughts go with you. You and your dear children deserve so much more. Make you and them your priority. Concentrating on the right things in life have a way of seeing life fall into place.
Diva
__________________
"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Thank you, Diva, for your words. I know it's time to start taking care of myself and I think I am slowly taking some steps towards that. Taking care of myself is something that historically I haven't been good at, it's going to be slow progress. But I think I'm in the right place - and places for that to start to happen.
Now, an update from the rest of my day.
I did call M, as I said, and then I did collect myself and bring my girls home from school. I even let my youngest one invite a friend around to play for a while. I fed them, and right now the youngest one is in the bath (covering the bathroom with water actually). But I haven't gone t my lecture. Mainly because I'm tired. It's a two hour lecture on a tough topic and I'm exhausted - I think my time is better spent getting some rest. I've had a sleepless weekend. That feels more like taking care of me.
I spoke to my A. I called her at the time I had determined and spent an hour on the phone with her. She's calmer. She's with friends now, which for the time being is a positive thing for her. She won't drink today. I know that I am totally caught up in her because now that I know she is calmer, I am so much calmer. I have, I think, tried to start setting some boundaries with her - although they aren't yet the strong ones I need to be setting. At the end of our conversation I told her I was always available to her - that wasn't a strong thing to say I know.
I can't help that I love her, and because I love her I am in this pit with her. But I'm trying to climb out. How can I turn my back on her? What sort of person does it make me if I do? But, today, my being there for her hasn't been at the expense of my children. I have prioritised them and their needs and I need to focus on the fact that that is a good, positive thing. I'm barely an inch into this path and it's hard but I'm determined to walk the rest of the way.
Hi Englishrose. How you feel about "turning your back on her" is understandable, but that is NOT what you are doing at all . . . by taking care of yourself, focussing on YOU, you are doing all you can do. The rest is fantasy. All us Alanoners struggle with this fantasy!!! It sneaks up on me even though I've been able to let go of it, it's very cunning. It's the way most people think about those they care about. We have a fantasy that our words and actions could MAKE a person think or feel or act a certain way. Why that is so UNTRUE, yet a persistent fantasy for most people is beyond me, yet I can go 'there' very easily.
You never could say a darn thing, or do a darn thing, that will make it better for her. In fact, we do not know in the great scheme of things WHAT is better for another person. Alcoholism and addiction is something they go through alone, without us, and they are even more resistant to influence by your well meaning efforts than if they were so called normal. They have to decide and be willing themselves, no one can make a choice like this for another person. An adult person, anyway.
The reason this gets harped on in Alanon is because the focus on the alcoholic exhausts us, robs us of the possibility of joy in the everyday. My A seems to be in a destructive spiral of binges, they are destroying his mind, he is disorganized and miserable and has no coping skills for the smallest of life's troubles . . . I love him, and I am facing facts that he may refuse help and change to the point he dies or ends up in prison. I want him to live free and be healthy and happy more than I can say. I do not want to lose him, and I don't want him to lose his life or freedom. But there is not a damn thing I can do. Friends who know say "Well if he were my husband, he wouldn't DARE do that" or "Why don't you TELL him what he is doing to you?" I just let that stuff go, they mean well, but they are wrong, just don't realize it. My hands are tied, and all I CAN do is take care of me and mine. Believe it or not, there is peace in this.
As you continue to work the program, attend meetings, etc, it will become clearer to you that you won't want to spend your precious energy on things you can't change or affect. You will feel that drain on your resources when you try to say or do just the right thing . . . it never works in the long run, maybe they nod and say YES, YES, you're right honey, thank you! But then they go spinning off because they do what they want to, just like the rest of us.
I needed to articulate this for myself, as well, but I hope I offered some experience strength and hope for you too. Take care.
All of us have done things "because we love them" that have in fact not helped at all, but have made their situation worse. Every time we make their drinking easy for them, free of consequences, every time WE take on the pain that they should be feeling for themselves, we remove the possibility of recovery a little further away. By giving them a soft place to land, we keep them from reaching their bottom, and keep them sick longer.
This is a fatal disease. The fact that she has you always at her beck and call, ready to always be available, ready to always make it all about her, may be keeping her from getting the help she needs.
If you really can't do it for yourself, do it for her.
