The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Last Wed. I got an email from my mother in law that my AH was in a terrible car accident and has a punctured lung, and back and leg injuries. He refused to tell her where he is and asked her not to tell me about the accident. She hasn't heard from him in almost a week. I called a few local hospitals but didn't find him. I really wish that I knew where he was so I could visit him and see him once more before he kills himself. After the last time I saw him I decided that I would cherish every moment that I spend with him as if it is the last time I will see him because it probably will be. This has helped me move into acceptance and release most all of the bitterness and resentment.
As for talking to the kids I probably tell too much but try to make sure that they understand why and end every time with and that's why you should never drink or use drugs.... Also, since my kids are around me almost 24/7 usually when I am on the phone they hear bits and pieces of my conversations and put it together. Hearing some of their stories about things that happened that I never knew just add to my rage. The A was constantly ranting and raving about the kids and how bad they are and how nobody elses kids are like that, especially about my oldest and she heard every word every time. For me protecting his dignity is a far second to making sure that she understands that it was not her it was him.
I find my 13 year old son handles the truth about his dad' situation a lot better than if I try to sugar coat it. I simply tell it like it is and pray that he learns from it. I also tell him that if he shows maturity I will continue to tell him what is going on....but if he acts out irrationally with the information, he will not continue to get it. It has worked well w/me. He understands what is going on and understands why I make the decisions I make. Before I levelled with him a year ago, he thought I was being this mean old witch to his dad. He knows better now.
Being a kid in an alcoholic family myself, I grew up with the typical messed up instincts you get when you DON'T tell kids the truth (to their developmental level). Your other post on this subject really, really got me thinking about how I've had to learn how to trust my gut. My gut is alive and well, but is often at odds with my enabling/desperation for love/people pleasing motivations.
I don't know for sure . . . but I wonder . . . would I have gotten together with my present A if I had acknowleged the 'red flags' for what they were, instead of ignoring them? I was really beating myself up over this, missing the red flags (you should have known, Kim!!!), but I see now, after thinking about your post, that I was crippled in this department.
So I have more compassion for my deficiencies, so to speak, now, and a good strong idea of how I ended up where I am today. Perhaps you will be able to prevent some of the LONG TERM effects of alcoholism on your children by doing what you are doing with them. And I'm listening real hard to my gut these days! It is scarily right on!
