The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So many times I've made decisions regarding my A or any other situation in my life that in hind's sight, the outcome was not my intention. For instance, for years I lived with my A and put up with his active disease until I couldn't take it anymore and then I would explode, throw him out...wait a few weeks, months...and then take him back...for the cycle to start over and over.
I asked myself, "why did I throw him out, just to have him back?" The answer: my intention. My intention wasn't to be alone and recover...my intention was have control over him. I'd thrown him out HOPING he'd stop his behavior. Of course that never happened. It took for me to realize that I needed to change. I needed to want to be better...and that would mean being alone.
So I did. He's still a drunk and I'm getting better...progress not perfection! Right?
Now, months later, I start dating a new person. Scarily, he is an old friend who is ironically an A but with 2 years sobriety and working a good program. After a couple of months, the relationship is not what I'd consider "healthy" for me. I was trying to rush into a romance and the guy was trying to take things slow. I was the culprit here....trying to control AGAIN. The old me would have started the dance....break up....take the call....hope things get better...be disappointed and blame him. But today, I feel I have achieved some more progress.
First- I took my time. No need to hurry. I thought it through. Was I going to end the relationship because I wanted to try to control it in hopes for it to be what I wanted? or was I prepared to end the relationship? I thought about another Alanon lesson. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
I called this person and politely stated I wasn't comfortable with my feelings toward our relationship. I explained that I had expectations that were unfair to him and in that, I could tell I wasn't ready for a relationship with him. I explained I would like to continue as friends.
Amazingly, he was really nice. I could tell he was working his program and I was kind of embarrassed of myself, but I am sure I did the right thing. He understood and pointed out we both have a lot to work on, and maybe in the future-who knows?
The point here: I checked my intentions before I acted... making the best decision for myself, not trying to control another person's behavior.
I am so grateful for my A.!!!!..he brought me to Alanon and this program helps me daily with all the challenges life brings.
WOW! Awesome post. This is something that I really struggle with. Typically I react and do the stuff and THEN check my intentions. Needless to say I tend to be wiping the egg off of my face on a really regular basis.
What a great reminder that I need to start doing it beforehand. Thanks for the post!
Loved your insight! Your share was so helpful in reminding me to look at my motives. I have been trying to get better at setting boundaries with the people I love in my life, but I often get confused when I try--your post reminded me to look at my motives in each situation, so that I can better determine how to mean what I say and say what I mean. Thank you!
I love that. I also examine my motives and do a lot of thinking, Plan A, Plan B, what's the worst that can happen to determine if I am making a decision that's "healthy" and right for me or if I am doing X so that a person will then do Y.
Glad you keep coming, Maria123
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
