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We had a great birthday party for the boys today. One of my son's started feeling ill almost as soon as we arrived at the park. He started feeling sick to his stomach and running fever and chills. Poor little guy. He did his best to enjoy it. All my family and AH's family was there, I think we all did great not talking about the A during the party. I missed him terribly though. We picked the park together, scoped out the shelter, picked the cake, food, etc. I heard from him today and he was able to tell the boys Happy Birthday. He says he's going to stay another seven days in detox. He said he transferred to someone else's team and he really likes this therapist. So for today, he has decided to transfer to a halfway house somewhere in town. They require the men to work day labor, pay their rent, and they take them to meetings every night. After that he said if I still don't feel comfortable having him in the home he would get a small apartment. He said his therapist told him that it probably would be better for him to get his own place for a while because it would help strengthen our marriage by him showing he's stable and making responsible choices.
This evening I was packing up the clothes he asked for and I got a sadness over me. I just felt the pain of losing him. We worked so hard to get where we were. We were doing great, really getting to a place of happiness. Of course he was sober then. It all just went downhill so quick. I am mad at this disease, its hard not to feel cheated. I can say I miss my AH over the phone, but I don't feel like I can really express how I feel because right now he would use that as an opportunity to ask to come home. At this point he is still struggling with why he has to get himself to the DMV to get a copy of his Driver's license instead of me bringing him.
Four years ago tonight we had just become proud parents of the most beautiful little boys. He and I were so excited that they were finally here. We doted on them, tickled their feet, they took turns sleeping on his chest and my chest. I felt like our lives were just beginning together and that he would grow up and do the right things for these little people in his life. I had no idea that this disease was a part of his life. I had no idea that A'ism was a disease. He should have been here today, he should be home with us, but he can't be because he's just not safe. He's not healthy and I don't know if he ever will be. I am going through grief and loss as I can feel my emotions changing with one day to the next. I can't get into this bargaining thing with my HP cause I know its useless anyway. I have to be strong when I bring the boys to see him tomorrow. I know I can still love my husband, I just can't live with him, and it sucks knowing that there's a chance he may never be coming home.
I feel confused too because I'm angry about the damage he's caused and the predicament he's placed us in, and at the same time my heart aches because I still love this man terribly. Lord please give me some relief tonight and comfort my heart. Thanks for listening
Peace, Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
I would love to have something perfect to say to you. All I can say is for everything that has happened in the past few weeks... he is getting treatment.
If there is a way in the world that you can get your lives back on track... this is it. I know your heart may not feel like that right now, and who knows how it will really work out.
You have done so good with taking care of yourself and those kiddo's, and he is in a possition to take care of himself too. There is a blessing in that .... even if it doesn't work the way you might want.
I am sorry the little guy is not feeling good, but so glad you had a day with your family. That is wonderful!
Hang in there girl! You are doing great!
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Oh Lady I relate so very very much. You are not crazy, we love a person who is two diffierent people in the same body. so we are going to have two different sets of feelings.
for me I have come to where I know they are two different people for sure. Like you, I grieve for my husband every single day, more than once.
We were suppose to grow old together. Here I am alone.
I am so very sad for you and him becuz of your cute kids. breaks my heart. I have two beautiful kids grown now who both did not have their fathers. Rainis daddy died drunk, Macs dad is a drunk and dead walking.
I want to say, please one day at a time. It hurts to see you think about he may never come back home. We just do not know. It may turn out in so many ways.
What I decided to do was only think about and talk to, in my head to my husband not the disease.
I don't really get mad anymore. For me I have built my own life, filled it love and am rained on with miracles.
You will be and are too. Be glad for what he can give. Gads I know the lonliness. I still dream he is in bed with me and wake up alone. that hurts so bad.
dang now i am crying. kiss those babies for me. I hope the sick one is better.
bless your A for taking steps to be better. love,debilyn
I remember being where you are now and I didn't do well with it either. That was back then and of course with time comes new lessons and more experiences and miracles.
Just to share with you a little attitude and slogan I learned back when I was wearing the sandals you are wearning now? The opposite of fear is faith and the slogans are "This too will pass" and "It's only temporary".
Of course I found this true and have kept these treasures with me ever since they were lovingly given to a insane broken husband addicted to his very sick alcoholic wife.
I don't bargin with my HP anymore. Asking my HP to fulfill my will just doesn't make sense anymore. I know that my HP's will for me is peace of mind and serenity and love and understanding, patience, compassion, empathy, self love and love of others, acceptance and long standing loyalty to a realtionship with my HP among others.
Be still and listen. That's when you can feel the miracle happening and for me it was feeling HP's embrace when I desired to feel it from my alcoholic.
Just wanted to say that I am thinking about you !! I am sorry that you are having a sad moment, I can relate .... I am so angry at this disease it has taken so much from us and our families..
absolute surrender, absolute acceptence -my conscious contact keeps me filled in on those 2 phrases. it is so much easier to surrender and accept when life is going good... sigh. I hope you take some of that heart-aching time and turn it over, perhaps there is some "serenity" time to be enjoyed (and probably much needed). HP is a funny guy in my book, making the biggest, hardest lessons of my life wrought with emotion, feelings, and difficult decisions -- it seems never to be "what is easy" for my path. oh oh, back to: absolute serrender, absolute acceptence
much love, ((((TM)))) cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
It's so sad to see you go through this, but good to see he is working on him. My A didn't go to rehab, but was able to (so far) be stubborn enough to not touch the bottle. Prayers for you all, with love and TLC
Reaching out for help in these trying times is OK. I know for me when my husband of over 30 years walked, I thought I could never be in this place I am today, it seemed impossible. I sought help whereever I could, I even enrolled myself into a drug and alcohol program at the treatment center so I could learn more about the disease. I did research on the computer, and read many books on alcoholism. However the saving grace of my sanity and myself was alanon face to face meetings weekly or bi-weekly. Just as the effects of alcoholism takes a very long time to affect us,,,it doesnt disappear over night,,,it takes time,,and perserverance and going to alanon meetings keeps the focus on "our" direction not on the A's. Taking the focus off the A and putting it back to where it belongs on YOU,,is extremely hard,,,but it can be done,,,,,,,,,hang in there you are on the right track.
You know I was where you are. I want to say a few things though. First is, don't quit. Don't give up just yet. I hear alot of negativity in your voice. When we have children with our A's things are just different. Things change. I was where you are and never thought in a million years that I would have this wonderful, sober, caring, considerate husband but I do now. I fought for what I loved and that was him. I told him the goodness I seen in him. I reminded him daily that he is in there somewhere, that loving, sweet, responsible guy that I loved was in there and as much as I loved him I had to let him go and die all by himself and I would handle telling the children when he had passed away. Eventually (lots of years later) I became nice. I quit yelling, screaming and fighting. I was know calm....I had detached with love. That crushed him more then anything because he knew his fate. He was a train wreck but he decided at some point that it was easier to fight to get sober then to die alone and leave his legacy with his children as a quitter and a drunk. He relasped one good time after the initial sober and that lasted about a month and now he's been sober for 100 and something days. With your kindness, support and unconditional love you may help him realize what he's worth. Never say never if you love him. It feels like a death sentence trying to quit drinking, it's like an enevitable doom that's hanging over your head and that's what gets him to take another drink. Sometimes they really really want to quit. Do what you can and no more but if you believe in this man...you can make a difference. It took me almost eight years but I got my man back....I have no idea what will happen in four years from now but what I have today is worth the eight years I fought for. I found that person that was dying, I found my best friend. Maybe this can be the ending to your story as well. I fought against alcoholism because we had three beautiful children together. I owed it to them. Let me tell you this too...... IF by chance the drinking ever rears its ugly head, you better believe I am ready to walk away again for him to fight his own battles. ;) Your in my prayers ^i^
