The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hey guys. I'm new around here and I'm so glad you are all here. I went to my first al-anon meeting last night, but I've been to CODA in the past so I'm not a stranger to the steps or the healing. I was raised by an A father and later had a very intense 3 year relationship with A who I loved dearly but who finally treated me badly enough that I left the relationship, though I left with new anger and little self-esteem and unclear of who I even was. I spent 3 years single, but I dated (and unfortunately slept with) a bunch of jerks during that time. I so badly wanted someone to love me that I was willing to do pretty much anything.
I finally met a wonderful man about 2 years ago. I interviewed him relentlessly for about 6 months because he seemed too good to be true. He treated me like gold, didn't seem to have any addictions, great family, good job, nice person. We got engaged and I immediately freaked out. I started to criticize him mercilessly. He kept trying to change his habits to make me happy but who can live like that? I'm confused if I don't like him or if this is just my sickness taking over. Sometimes he is the love of my life. Sometimes I hate him. I went into a horrible depression and broke things off. But my depression continued. I missed him and we got back together. We eventually became re-engaged in December.
Since then, things have gone pretty well. I got on anti-depressants and I started seeing a therapist. My feelings for my FI still fluctuated between extremes, but much less often.
However, things have changed between us. The same month we were re-engaged my FI stopped taking methadone he'd been on for years to treat chronic pain following a back injury. He did this because he didn't want to be on a pain killer when he got married, especially if we planned on having children. But, the withdrawal has been a nightmare. I could not have imagined this. My sweet and loving man has turned snappy, anxious, and sometimes cold. He went from hardly ever drinking and a rare puff of marijuana to smoking marijuana all evening after work. This is the only relief he finds from the physical symptoms of the withdrawal and the chronic pain that has returned.
So, I'm confused about what to do. We are supposed to get married in 6 months. I want to take the leap of faith that he will go back to who I loved, but I'm scared he never will. I feel responsible for the change in him... feel like I criticized his every move and that I asked him to get off the methadone.
I miss him! Every now and then I see glimpses of that sweet man, but it makes me sad instead of happy. A few weeks ago we got in a big fight and I threatened to leave. He begged me not to and said that he would die, he's already going through so much. I didn't really want to leave, so I stayed and things were good for a little while. Now I'm sad and critical again.
I feel like I've helped destroy him and our relationship is becoming joyless. I want to leave in part to save him from me, but I also think leaving will hurt him just as much. I'm so confused and fearful. I'm stuck.
Hi Simplyme, welcome to the forum. I'm fairly new to MIP, but like you spent time in other 12 step programs, mostly Alanon, in the past.
As much as it looks to you like you had a hand in the deal with your fiance's current meltdown, you couldn't have.
For your own sake go to Alanon meetings in your area and begin working on yourself so you can get some clarity about how you are responding and dealing with the effects of drugs on your fiance and your life.
FWIW, I did work in a rehab and coming off of methadone is extremely difficult on the person withdrawing, and usually a doc oversees the whole process so he can use non addicting medications to help with the symptoms. I strongly suggest he work this out with his doctor, and YOU take yourself out of the equation and get to know the fundamentals of Alanon and how to practise them in your life.
Your grief at the loss of the sweet man you once knew is so sadly understood by me and the rest of the folks on this board! And being powerless as you are to make him better is something we all admit and work toward acceptance on. Begin now and get some clarity for yourself. This will help him in the only way you can help him. I feel for you both, this is a very hard situation but there is hope. Best to you both, and YOU my dear, keep coming back here to join us. I love this bunch, they have been so supportive and insightful for me.
It's good that you are seeing that your own actions had some part in making things worse in your family. It's good because you have control over these actions, and can do better in the future. Keep the focus on you, work hard at keeping your own side of the street clean, and let him work out his own salvation. It would be reasonable to -once- encourage him to see his doctor for help in getting out of the mess he has landed in, but then keep your nose out of it.
You have the right to refuse to accept unacceptable behaviour. However, you do not have the right to tell him what to do. Try setting some boundaries - leave the room when he snaps at you, refuse to listen to long litanies of anxiety, that sort of thing.
Thanks everyone. It is so comforting to have a safe place to admit the way I feel, all the pain and fear and disappointment and guilt. I had contacted an addiction specialist yesterday and made an appointment for myself. At the time, my FI said he was too ashamed to see someone about this, that he didn't want to be analyzed and criticized by me and another person. I wrote my FI an email and told him that he needed help, that the person I spoke with was familiar with methadone withdrawal.
Unlike my usual self, I stepped back then. I didn't bring it up when he didn't respond. I had just planned to go myself, to go to the al-anon meeting, to see my therapist, and to make a decision about staying in this relationship. I still plan to do all those things.
And, I have to admit, the depression lifted significantly when I let go of the situation. I prayed for the answer to become clear to me, and after reading your responses to me, I realized I needed to put the outcome of my decision to stay or go into the hands of my HP. I have to make this decision based on what I know and how I feel. I can't be responsible for how it affects my FI because there is really nothing I can do, and that isn't up to me.
A little while ago my FI sent me an email and said he had contacted the addiction specialist. I'm really happy for him and for me. I don't know what this means for our relationship but I know he needs to do that.
