The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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level.
Sat. and Sun. were pretty good days for my AH and I. Went to dinner Sat. nite at a non-alcohol restaurant, went out to a fast food breakfast Sun. and to look at new Plasma TV's ( I get a discount where I work, plus $$$ to spend towards it!) Got home, went over to friend's house with him to watch race, took munchies, others had munchies there too. All in all, a wonderful afternoon, (even tho I was surrounded by A's!) Got home, all hell broke loose.....he saw the tattoo on my shoulder that has been there since Feb., just saw it Sun. morning. Thought it was fake, told him no, it was real. He didn't say much then.... But when we got home from friend's house....all of a sudden I am a slut who can do anything I want, take my shirt off in front of who know HOW many men!? And the list just goes on from there. He hates me, I am fat, we don't make love because he hates me....on and on and on. I finally fell asleep. So, this week, to take care of me, I have not been home much. When I do go home, I fall asleep on the couch, then go to bed later, after he's asleep. I have not left him any notes, as was my custom, nor has he left me any. We have not spoken (except to say hey on 2 evenings when our paths crossed. Tonight he came home, pulled in the drive, and proceeded immediately across the street. So I came to library. Ug. I am so tired. I am so lonely and my heart hurts. Yeah, same old same old. I am trying to work a program, and I think most of the time I do pretty well. Going to meetings, coming here. Taking care of myself. But I sure do miss my husband. The one who had compassion and love in his blue eyes for me....not the one who has hatred and scorn in his red-rimmed ones. I do not know how much longer I can do this. I am tired. Wish I could get intravenious alanon! All week I have not cooked or eaten at home, just stayed gone. He doesn't wonder where I am, and if he does, he hasn't asked or called my cell. Guess he is telling the truth that he doesn't care what happens to me. So, why do I care about him? I just do. I feel like the biggest loser. I am so stupid. I am in love with someone who does not love me, and never will again. He has a disease called alcoholism, I have a disease called STUPID. Sorry, I just needed to rant. Love in Recovery, Becky1
I am so sorry that you are feeling low. You are NOT stupid! I will continue to pray and send good thoughts your way. I hope things start getting better for you soon.
Your post really hit home with me. I have felt that way on many occasions. Why do I keep loving someone who obviously could care less? And where is that guy I fell in love with? Surely he is locked up somewhere inside that A? and How come I am so stupid? These are self-defeating thoughts. There are no answers to these questions that will help anyone. Keep working the program and make yourself happy. No one is stupid. We eventually "get what we give."
You're not stupid I kinda compare my hubby to Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde...he's definitely not the man I married but he is when he's sober he's the man I fell in love with and love so dearly he doesn't verbally or physically abuse me I just don't like drinking or being around it....I will keep you in my prayers work on you, sounds like you are getting out and getting some "me" time and that's what you need.
Well you love the man, and ya hate the behavior the disease brings out.
This reminded me of a time A and i too were doing fine. I can't remember what happened, but he came home and for some reason I was crying. He walks in walks by me. Comes back into the room, says, "I don't have to come home to a bawling bitch!" He had never said anything like that before and I did not grow up hearing that kind of talk.
He took off and did not come back until night. Then did not talk to me for days. I don't remember how it ended up. I think he left and went to mommies again.
Probably he wanted to stop using but had no program, went to find some and was none in any of his hiding places.. excuse to leave, takes off, uses, uses, and uses cannot hide it anymore so runs to mommies where he can.
SO that said. The disease sucks. It self sabotages to make sure it gets its fix.
It is hard on us, of course it is. Our loved one is one person in that body, we turn around and it is the disease taking over again. And back and forth and back and forth.
We bounce around until we go nuts.
Then we find Alanon and do not bounce anymore. We no longer care about his disease. We enjoy him, the real him when he is there, and we learn how to detach from the disease when it takes over.
We go away, we read, we go do woodworking and use a drill and skillsaw... well I did, sure kept him out of my hair and I cold not hear him. lol
I would go hide in a pig house in nice clean hay and nap or talk to my pig.
go in my room and watch tv, sometimes lock the door. sometimes go out the door I had him put in there. Boy that was handy I tell ya.
always kept a key to my car handy somewhere.
So instead of being mad now that you got the vent out, a good one I might add, haha, think about the being together time ya got. I would give anything to have 5 min with the man I love. But have not had a second since last summer.
he went from I love you, I want you, we can get thru anything, yes I am sure I want to come home, do not worry, you can depend on me tooooo
not hearing from him and getting, yelled at and mean talking to and me asking why and him saying."I was wrong."
I thought about it too Beck. I did not go right back. But can remember giving in and feeling like us again, his cloths back into dresser, food in fridge. and more
sooo who is stoooooopid??? We love our Sick A's and once in awhile the disease will come back, take our hearts out and stomp on them before we see it coming.
Then we pick our heart back up, put it back, and take time again to heal it. Each time we do this we get stronger. and it will take more and more until we don't allow the disease to control us at all. If we cont. our alanon skills.
Ya wanna know how strong it is? I want to see my A right now after reading this. I want to so bad. sigh.
I hope you will do what you want. can you make a room for just you? so you have a place to escape to and feel safe? So you can read or whatever? I am not kidding I would build me a shed if I had to and drag an extension cord, tv cable and phone cord out and a nice recliner or hidealoveseat. maybe a small fridge....
I could go on....portapodi... uh fan, my dogs...
You need a place just for you. I tell ya as soon as the a disease starts yappin get the H out of there. do not listen do not allow it to pull you in.
I know it is so hard as we were just with this nice guy...he is gone now....it is a monster. get out. NO he does not care, no he does not love you, no he does not like anything about you. You are the furthest thing on his mind. When he is controlled by the disease, the disease only wants to use, and prepare to use again.
so I learned to leave immediately after a few bad runs...left to my serene wherever for me.
hugs hon. foget the bs, remember the good. there is NOTHING wrong with remembering the good, nothing. It is who you love.
Hey I used to say, yea right you love me, yea right you don't want anyone but me, yea right you would die for me, I am not kidding.
sometimes he gave up and would smile or just give up and leave. lol
stop the drama, the drama is what make it real. Go ahead tell me to leave he would say. me. hey love it is YOUR choice, has always been your choice. I don't want you here if you don't want to be.
I will burn the house down... oh here honey here is the lighter, light it, there is gas in the shed.
gads....the monster thinks it is sooo big, but it is sooo small. I got where I never said a word but, oh it is you. then leave the room....
I did say something awful ONE time. I mean it. sex always gets bad with the using A. I got so mad one time, I did not hold back and called him a sexless wonder....He absolutely did not know what to say back. Shocked the heck out of him.
I don't say things I do not mean, not ever. He knows that. I rarely get mad, he knows that.
oh becky becky.....step out of the drama if you can, think of the good stuff, do something cool for you. think about your own space, even if it is only a section of your garage....
Becky, I'm sorry. My AH also had a jeckyll/hyde personality when he was drinking. He would say mean and cruel things, and for a long time I cried over them and wondered "Does he really think so lowly of me?" After a while, I said mean and cruel things back. I always felt so small after I did that. Then one day, I realized that it wasn't ME he was talking about when he said those things, but HIMSELF. He had come to hate himself SO much that the only thing he could do was lash out, mostly at me, I was the most available target.
That was the single most important realization I have ever had regarding alcoholism. After that, I was able to look at him with compassion and a certain kind of sorrow that he had lost so much of himself to this evil thing he was fighting. And even more importantly, I stopped crying and wondering, because I knew from then on that his words were not about me, but himself. And then I stopped playing it's little game.
As for your AH not caring if you aren't around, I think I saw that in my husband as well. He told me shortly after he sobered up and started a program that he had come to the point where he just felt guilty being around me, because he knew the hurt he was inflicting and could not find a way to stop it.
You aren't stupid. Being married to an alcoholic MUST be what it's like to wait for someone you love to come out of a coma.
Awwww Becky am so sorry u are hurting , but if he didn't care he would not call u a ^^^^ . or care that you might have shown yourself to someone in a tatoo parlor . He is treating you the way he feels about himself , it is booze talk and crap total crap. The sicker he gets the futher away he stays , he knows how he is treating u is wrong , disease just tells him to not care. Now enough about him . Keep going to meetings , keep busy make friends in program and take care of you , your not the reason he is doing this he is a sick man I don't mean to sound like I am making excuses for him , cause I am not . reality is for now he is more comfortable with people like himself who drink and where he is accepted they have no expectations of him except to bring his share of the booze , you on the other hand have expectations and he cannot be who u need him to be. So he stays away and pushes u away . Booze is a formidable mistress Becky yu cannot win , in fact no one wins . take care of you . Love Louise
