The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This morning I felt great, and I still feel good...just not 'great'...
Through out the day I've been doing my research and reading and I have come to realize that I am an enabler. I'm a provoker and sometimes a martyr. What a horrible thing to come to realize. It doesn't feel good, but at the same time, I'm glad I have found out. It answers a lot of questions for me.
Through out my relationship I have tried to control my A fiance, thinking that i could control the aism. How stupid of me....
I truly am powerless over this disease...truly powerless.
I also, in my reading have become to realize and learn that I am definitely co-dependent. Obsessing with my A fiance's well being, obsessing about where he is with who and what he is doing. Obsessed with 'catching' him with his alcoholism...calling him back to back, staying up late at night worrying myself physically and emotionally sick....wow...what a realization...
I know I need to detach...for MY own good.
I need to for my health and for my son.
I also came to realize that this co-dependency stems back from my biological father. He was an addict and abusive and at 2 my mother gathered her strength and her 2 kids and left him...and for that I'm grateful...but he was never in the picture and I think that I use that control to try to prevent my A fiance to not leave....
It's scary...b/c my A fiance and I live together...I just now don't know if its my best interest and my sons best interest to leave...
So, now my question is this...after all these realizations, and now knowing what my part is in getting help....what do I do? How do I proceed?
I have been exactly where you are. Being AWARE of these things is quite a shock sometimes, that you provoke situations, people, etc., and especially being a martyr, too. It is a great step though, because now you can make changes and correct this behavior. Working this program saved my life, and gave me a whole new outlook on things.
It is so hard to know what step to take next, (and if you are like me you worry, worry some more, and worry again, until your head is going NUTS!!!)... BUT what I learned here is you don't have to do anything right now. Take it simple, take it easy, take a breath.
Do you go to face to face meetings? They are wonderful, and I suggest just attending a few. Also the book, "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drew helped me tremendously while in panic mode. I read that book SO much, over and over and over. It is cheap, you can get it on amazon.com used. It was written in the 70s but still applies to the alcoholic marriage (in your case, before marriage, but doesn't matter).
I truly wish you all the best, take care of you, and come back here, it helps when you think just no one understands!!! YOu are NOT alone....
You wrote, "Through out the day I've been doing my research and reading and I have come to realize that I am an enabler. I'm a provoker and sometimes a martyr. What a horrible thing to come to realize. It doesn't feel good, but at the same time, I'm glad I have found out. It answers a lot of questions for me."
Thank you, boricuaGA, for your post and all you shared. Your post helps me as I work my own program today. I may never be rid of the "automatic" reaction to enable, to provoke, to play the martyr ... I can choose moment by moment to be awake and aware of what I am feeling ... I can choose moment by moment to work the 12 Steps of Al-Anon ... I can choose moment by moment to ask for help (very, very hard still for me to do) from my higher power, which includes other people.
For me, the slogan "Let go and let God" means, in part, for me to let go of anything that stands in my way as I work my Al-Anon program -- often, what I come to realize I need to let go of is shame (the feeling that what I have done wrong makes me a wrong person).
Thank you for sharing your Experience, Strength, and Hope here on the board.
My suggestions: --continue reading Al-Anon literature --attend Al-Anon or open AA meetings face-to-face
I believe that will maximize your efforts to work your program. Of course, that's just been my experience ... take what you can use and leave the rest.
((BoraGA)) I can remember when I discovered I was a codependent. I floored myself because I denied I was codependent for a long time. It took me some time after that to sit with that realization. Even after realizing I was codependent I still got myself in a relationship with my AH. I guess my radar was looking for someone to caretake and that's exactly what I got. As I progress in this program and coming to more and more realizations about myself I am discovering that the qualities I feel I've been neglected from my AH are those qualities that I need to manifest in myself. Emotionally detaching takes time and practice. When I am enmeshed my AH's chaos I cannot function the way I want to. Emotionally detaching doesn't mean I don't still love him because I am very much still in love with him, it just means I have to begin to love me more. You will eventually figure out what is best for you and your children as time goes on and you get stronger. Until then do things that you like to do that nurture you body, mind, and spirit. Keep working it!!
Peace, Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
