The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This is my first time on this website. I hope that it helps, i feel like I'm all alone in this and it's hard to talk about. I have never fully told this story to anyone and I hope that I'm not really the only one in the world that feels like this. So here is my story:
My husband realized that he was an alcoholic back in January. I've known for the better part of 3 years. I've kept it a secret it respect his privacy. Infact, keeping a secret that big for so long, you almost become a professional at it. I had it down to a system. I thought that if I worried about it enough, and devoted myself to trying to manage it, I could control it. It took me a long time to realize that it was beyond my control. After realizing he was an alcoholic, we tried together to keep it under control but not give it up completely. This went badly. I knew he was still drinking too much but I couldn't prove anything because i didnt' see him do it. he had been doing it behind my back for months. It was then that we both realized this was way out of our league. He finally admitted defeat to it a month ago. He gave it up entirely, has been going to meetings, and appears to be on track to turn his life around. So why am I such a total mess?
I guess I am still harbouring some unresolved feelings. I don't know if it's resentment, dissapointment, or just wounds that need a little longer to heal than I thought. When he finally told his family he had a problem, I cried for a week. I couldn't even look at him. I couldn't understand why. I was so relieved that someone else knew besides me. But at the same time, it brought back all of the memories of all the terrible things he has said and done to me over the years that I just covered up and kept a secret and pushed to the back of my brain never to be dealt with. His family said they were going to make an effort to help him through it, but I think they didn't get all the facts because their support has all but dissapeared. I'm alone again in this. I almost wanted to tell the family everything disgusting detail because they were brushing it off as no big deal. I wanted to scream and be like "you have no idea what it's been like. you have no idea how this has taken over my life. you have no idea how bad it has been. he doesn't even know how bad it's been because he doesn't remember" I'm not looking for sympathy exactly but maybe some kind of acknowledgement that I have been through a lot and haven't given up. I stuck it out. I'm still here, after nights of planning a quick escape. And I did it on my own. I feel so selfish. He's the one that has been sober for a month, but I feel like I'm the one that deserves the award.
What's worse is I'm having a hard time celebrating his accomplishments in sobriety, which is terrible. I know how difficult it is for him to do this but it's like I don't want to tell him he's doing a good job. It's like I don't want to tell him he's doing great and that I'm proud of him, because I'm afraid he will then say "ok, this was no big deal" and then slack off and we'll be back to square one....AGAIN. I feel like a terrible person. I think deep down, I dont think he deserves a pat on the back. I think the way I really feel is "good, you should be sober. What do you want a cookie? You should have been all along. This is how our life was supposed to be." Which is the most awful thing that has ever crossed my mind. I have never admitted that before.
I think that part of this stems from the fact that he has not sworn off drinking forever, he's still trying to figure out which path is right for him. He's still really confused. He's sober now sure, but i get the feeling hes' just using this to try to get a handle on drinking so that he can try again. I think he still feels that he can drink and keep it under control himself. I feel like a horrible person. There are days I wake up and he's done nothing wrong but I am angry at him. I dont' know why. I feel like the most awful person that has walked on this earth.
I am so glad you found these pages, and I am sure you will get great support and understanding from the people here.
Of course you are not an awful person, quite the opposite I would say. You tried to support your through your husband through his disease in the way that you understood to be the best you could at the time at the time , right? Well, isn't that what a caring and loving person would do!
But now, as far as I can see, you are seeing it from a different angle. You are able to recognise the disease for what it is, Alcoholism is a powerful, cunning, baffling disease that ruins people and families. We all try to be in control of it at the beginning....I certainly tried hard enough...we don't want to admit to it. We don't want to be powerless, but of course sadly that is how it is.
I can see you are feeling hurt and resentful of all that has happened in your relationship as a result of your husband being gripped by this disease. I can see you want your sacrifice to be acknowledged by him, for him to understand that you gave so much of yourself to him and to your relationship. This is very normal to feel this way. And now that you recognise this, you will be in a better position to try and make things easier for yourself. (Maybe he can't give you what he doesn't have to give)
He's not drinking at the moment. So maybe you could use this time to help heal yourself, to be kind to yourself. You have been through such a lot, I think you deserve some comfort for yourself.
Keep coming back and letting us know how you are getting on. Yours in recovery AM
you are NOT alone! My first day on this board was yesterday, and that was the best feeling, to know that I AM NOT ALONE! To know that EVERYBODY here has gone through and is going through what you are going through. You are NOT a horrible person. I have been with my A for 5 years...we have a son together 2 1/2. I feel exactly how you feel. It's ok to feel that way. You need to get into an al-anon meeting and heal yourself. i have got to do it too. you will find there such a relief...we have got to let go and get rid of the resentment, anger, pain, horrifying recounts of the memories and stop letting it rule our lives.
you are NOT a horrible person...you just need to heal. I hope and pray that you can make it to a meeting and keep coming back here...it is a blessing...
welcome , and what your feeling is perfectly normal so u can stop feeling guilty . We finally get what we have prayed for and don't know how to enjoy it , the miracle of sobriety is his , finding yourself again will be yours. I assume u are not attending Al-Anon for yourself , the anger resentment and fear your stuggling with is also normal and our program will help u with that. The general attitude seems to be I'm sober what s your problem ? well were not ok . When drinking we knew exactly what to do with them , sober we don't have a clue everything changes . and that is a good thing , but confusing . I was told that an alcoholic dosent have a hope in hell of staying sober , going home to an old idea . I was the old idea , everyone has to change not just the alcoholic. You will meet others who feel like u do , who understand where your comming from who have been where your at and will help u walk thru it. Once settled in our program u are never alone again . For me the best way to support our spouses efforts in sobriety is to work on my self , stay out of his face and off his back when you are focusing on your own needs thats much easier to do . Sobriety is not easy and as your finding out it is not the answer to al of your problems , u too need support. Right now AA is your husb life line , so leave him to God and AA and let Al-Anon and God take care of you . One day i was feeling exactly like u were many yrs ago and someone reminded me to not miss the good days . I never forgot that . Sobriety is a new beginning , enjoy !!!!!
If you have read any of the other posts you realize you certainly aren't alone. Because he is sober at the present time doesn't take away years of memories. Alanon can help you with those feelings and by the way, you have every right to have them. The good news is that you can express and deal with them here and at Alanon meetings. Telling relatives really doesn't help much because they haven't lived it, nor do they attend Alanon and know how to best handle it. You've stated that already they have practically forgotten. They don't know what to do or how to react. In Alanon you will learn to focus on yourself and your recovery. You already know that you can't control what he does or thinks. You can control what you do and think though, and that's where Alanon and the Alanon family comes in to play. Alanon is soley for YOU.
If your husband is going to meetings he is being told and knows that there is no way to drink a little bit. If he thinks he can he is still in denial of the disease. That's his to work through tho. Alanon can help you whether he is drinking or not. There are no quick fixes, it's a process but so worth the work.
Keep coming back Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Your feelings and emotions right now are exactly why Alanon came into existance. We may not have been the "identified problem maker", in fact, we often take on the role you have, to keep his secret. I REALLY did this in a hard core way for several years. The secrets I kept, the lies I told became my every day reality.
And yes, that feeling of "hey, what about what I went through for YOU?" is just one of the reasons this program came to be. It's obvious the alcoholic is sick and needs help, not so obvious though for us. But we are as broken down, exhausted, needy and confused as the alcoholic. In Alanon I learned that this excessive focus on another person is the cause of my own anguish. All the time I "took care" of the alcoholics problems, who took care of my needs, who focused on ME?
So we learn how to focus back on ourselves, because we too need support, a place to go where everyone in the room 'gets it', and knows where we are coming from.
I feel a kind of joy when someone like you posts here, so tired and honest about hard to admit feelings, wondering if you are a really bad person -- because we all get to say NO you aren't bad or wrong, we all went through, or are going through, what you describe, and YES there is a way out. Not often life gives such quick answers.
Welcome to the tribe. You will find more support and concern and caring here, just for YOU, than you thought possible. So welcome and please don't hesitate to post whatever you need to. Find Alanon meetings in your area, the face to face element is very powerful.
I can't believe how well that i managed to hide it for so long. It is truly unbelievable. Like i said in my post, you get so good at it. It's embarassing the lenghts that I went to, to try to cover it up, to try to respect his privacy, our privacy, and try to fix it before anyone had to know about it. I can't believe the lies that I've told, the tricks that I learned, and how proud of myself that I was. Ridiculous! What a horrible state of denial. I feel like if i had asked him to get help sooner, or had told somone, we would have been able to get a handle on it sooner and we wouldnt be patching up a marriage that just started.
I spent so much time worrying about it, i dont know how not to worry about it. I feel like this is never going to go away. I don't know if I'll ever trust him again when it comes to this. I know that he needs my support and that he needs me to believe that he can beat this, but the truth is, at this point I don't believe he can beat it because I've seen him crash and burn so many times.
Thank you for listening. I haven't felt this good in such a long time.
Alcoholism is hard on the family because of... well, we all know that one.
Early sobriety is hard on the family because it's change. Everyone's role has changed. The alcoholic may want to make up for everything all at once, and the family (rightfully so) may not trust him with much if any responsibility. Or the alcoholic may not want to be much of a part of family life - just do the minimum and concentrate on sobriety and the program. There's no right or wrong way, and every alcoholic is different. Some get happy right away, and their families love it... some get happy right away and their families hate it.
Because every member of the family is their own person... we can't wait around for the alcoholic to fix everything. But we've been like soldiers in a war... or civilians under siege. When a truce is declared, our daily lives and behavior have to change - life changes - whether or not we trust the truce. We're always on guard that the "cease fire" will be broken at any moment, but don't want that fear to sabotage the process.
It's hard. Damn hard. Trust God, work the program, love people. Talk about it, listen... while your exact combination of circumstances may feel unique, there is no aspect of it that at least one of us has not experienced... and survived.
I would liken it to a dam behind which floodwaters have been rising with increasing pressure. Suddenly the floodgates are opened, and all the anger, resentment, frustration, outrage, hurt, etc etc, spills out - AND IT IS RIGHT that it should do so, because guess who the dam is? Us again. Dang nab it. Releasing all those feelings is a necessary part of our own healing.
For me, practicing NAMING the feelings, and WRITING about them, is helpful when I actually do it. I don't know why this works, or how, but some small thing shifts somewhere, and I feel better. One program member I know says, when he writes, he becomes part of the solution instead of part of the problem.
He is in very early recovery. I couldn't believe this when I heard it, several months into my A's sobriety, when *I* felt we ought to be able to start working on relationship issues. My sponsor told me, every ounce, every speck of energy he has is going to working his program and not picking up that first drink. Really?, I asked, disbelieving. Yes, really. It's now 3 years later and we have a MUCH better - though not "perfect" relationship, and what has made this part so much better is that I have been working on myself too in Alanon. "Bring it where you can be heard", my sponsor says, meaning, when I share something at an alanon meeting or on an alanon board, I know I am talking with others who relate, who truly CAN hear my reality - even when my A can't.
If you don't know where the f2f alanon meetings in your area are, check out www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.htm - this will lead you to the info service site for your state, or there are also links for info centers outside the US. Actually feeling the healing energy at an alanon meeting is an amazing thing - one I hope you feel for yourself soon.
Keep coming back - it really works when you work it. Why else would we all be here?
I think you are very brave and very honest to share your feelings with us, I'm in a similar situation with my Ah who is nearly one year into sobriety. He goes to AA and he talks about other A's as if he is surprised by thier actions and the lives they've led, I could scream sometimes at him, why oh why doesn't he remember the horrid life we lived through, but he doesn't, I think I wish he would just say to me, I am sooooo sorry for all of that but I'm beginning to understand that it almost won't ever happen, I too feel alone with it, my h doesn't want anyone else to know, so I think I still feel like I'm living a bit of a lie. I go to alanon and good things have come of it, but every now and then we hit a crisis and I go right back to old behaviour isolating and pretending that everything is fine when really it's terrible, I thankyou for your honesty in how you truly feel, I share your thoughts on much of what you have written, being honest about myself, and my feelings is something I need to work on. take care love Katy x
You said, "you have no idea what it's been like. you have no idea how this has taken over my life. you have no idea how bad it has been. he doesn't even know how bad it's been because he doesn't remember" I'm not looking for sympathy exactly but maybe some kind of acknowledgement that I have been through a lot and haven't given up."
I totally sympathize. I could have written this!! I feel the same way. My husband probably doesn't remember what he has put me through either. It hurts. It sucks. You are not alone. Hang in there and keep coming back.
