The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Ok...been here and trying to work a good program for about 3 years...recently changed my username.
Spent 7 years trying to change/control/cure an A....lol. I finally made the decision to let him go. I was feeling so much better...less chaos...less drama.
Along came an old friend who asked me to dinner and lo and behold, he's in AA. I saw the red flags. But he seemed to be working a great program. Notice the word "seemed". I was vulnerable. A sober man paying tons of attention to me. Calling me 10 times a day...so interested! His business was in it's off season so he had tons of time to have coffee, stop by my business, come over to visit.
The more we got to know each other, the more distant he became. Sometimes it was if he was trying to hide reality from me. He definitely avoided intimacy whether it was physical or emotional.
NOW work has started for him again. He has completely set me aside. He's also dealing with family issues that have erupted. Our phone conversations have become fewer and fewer and he rarely makes the attempt to get together. He knows I am confused and says he is struggling to handle the pressures and stay sober. He put it very honestly but bluntly...he just doesn't have the time to put into a relationship right now.
Here's where I question his program. Where was the honesty from the beginning?
And what am I supposed to do about my feelings now? I do know what I would tell another person in the program...Let go and let God. But I am kind of mad at myself for letting my guard down and not picking myself up at this point and start focusing on me again. I'm having the hardest time with this.
Any words of wisdom regarding recovering A's would be appreciated.
recovery, using whatever. What difference does it make? They will never be cured.
I guess knowing what I know about aism, I would NEVER put myself in the position of being around an A.
I would not want to be around someone who have certain other diseases either. Borderline personality disorder to name one.
Them being A is not our problem. We take care of us and it is up to them to take care of themselves. If they don't have anything to share, they don't.
If I knew what I do now, no way would I have married my A. no way. I have said it and will again. I love him, adore him, but if he was sober ten years I would not go back. no way.
I like me too much.
I guess I wonder, knowing what you do. What made you even go out with him?
Giving the guy in question the benefit of the doubt.....maybe he thought he was ready to start a relationship, then realized he was not. Maybe after having said realization, he decided the fairest thing to do would be to tell you outright.
Or maybe he realized that calling you 10 times a day was little obsessive, and it frightened him. There could be a thousand other maybe's that influenced this guy's behavior. so maybe you should go ahead and tell yourself what you would tell someone else, and be thankful you weren't more deeply involved when he broke this news to you.
