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I was wondering if I wrote out a contract or expectations of my 19 year old if that would be dumb. I seem to have a difficult time setting them verbally. Someone recently told me that I need to get a back bone instead of a wish bone.. True, but easier said then done. I am always angry now. I come hame and she and friends are here leaving dirty dishes and talking of drugs, booze etc. I ask them to respect our rules but continue to find drugs and booze. At what point do you say bye, leave? I already feel like every time I see or talk to her it is negative, and the language, they act like it's really stupid to ask them to watch theit language, especially in front of my 2 younger kids. I believe she has a substance abuse problem, she completely does not think so..My son 14, hates to be here now before I get home from work, after school. I hate confrontation and am afraid it is all going to get a lot uglier before it gets better... if it gets better. Hope you all aren't getting tired of my venting on the subject, I seem to be completely consumed with this, I'm angry, concerned, scared, and I hate feeling like this all the time...She may have to go, and that will break my heart...
I recently purchased a book that might help you. It's called "Boundaries, when to say yes and when to say no". I found mine at Books A Million. It is an excellent guide to setting boundaries.
One thing I learned a long time ago was that if you set a boundary...make a rule...say you do this again and this is going to happen...if you don't stick to what you say they will not pay any attention to your so called rules.
I sat specific rules for my home with my sons, which changed as they grew older. One of them was quite shocked when I said pack your bags your out of here. Some things I simply will not tolerate.
When you get to the point that you can look her in the eyes and tell her what is allowed and what isn't, the consequences of violating that rule; really MEAN it and then follow through with it you will gain some of your own control back. Control is one thing that makes us stronger and more able to attack the next problem that arises. At age 19 she is a guest in your home and guests either respect and abide by the house rules or they are out. It would be the same tems if she was in any other type of home.
If you have to kick her out to make your point, so be it your not telling her that you don't love her but you are telling her that you will not tolerate her behavior. Sure it's tough but you are teaching her to follow rules and regulations and the consequences of not doing so.
I have learned from experience that they are quite resourceful so don't worry about her she will be just fine. Even if she has to spend a couple of nights under a bridge, she will definitely appreciate a nice warm bed a whole lot more.
I had to get tough, get strong and take my life back. Once I did I got a whole lot closer to my own recovery and my son found out that mom was not another word for doormat.
Good Luck
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
I am a lot like you, I loved Mobirdie's "Mom is not another name for doormat". That so describes me. When my daughter was 15, I went through H*ll with her! Her Dad was across the country and she got in with the wrong crowd. At the time, I figured I'd have to 'let her go to keep her'. I don't know if I did the right thing or not?? She is 25, with a guy we all love, and her 2nd child is due in 4 days. I know she thinks I wasn't strict enough, and plans to be more strict with her own kids. (I also remember thinking my own parents didn't care because they weren't very strict with me.) I have always made it a point to tell them I love them very much, my parents never said it once, although, now, I know they did love us. I am not a combative person and have always had trouble standing up for myself, although I am better at it now. My daughter and son are 20 months apart and have always been very close. My son agrees with me that with her attitude at the time, I would have lost her forever if I had been stricter. I sure wish kids would come with an instruction book!! I am very close with both of them now, and very very proud of how they turned out. Hope this helps some? with love, TLC
thanks for your reply. Did it take you awhile to get to that point? I always thought it would be easier. When I had a friend, several years back, going through this with her son, I knew what she needed to do, and couldn't see why it was so hard for her to follow through. Anyhow, now I know why my mother drank and took valium every day, now I forgive her. I grew up in a house where there was yelling and fighting, etc. all the time. Now, still at 47, I hate conflict. Time to grow up.. I think I'll be assertive today, of course if it's ok with you.. My therapist joked with me about this.. now I think it's funny, at the time I didn't..
Not being a parent I can't tell you how to be one! But I can tell you from my own experience with A hubby, that boundaries are no good unless you are prepared to enforce them. That's why it didn't work at first with hubby. But I finally stood my ground and told him to leave. That was last May. Here we are 1 year later and he approaches his one year sobriety mark. I would do it again in a heartbeat should we go down this path again. It was one of the hardest yet most empowering things I have ever done for myself. It doesn't mean that I stopped loving him. I never stopped loving him, but I did stop the insanity. Do what is best for you and your family. That's the bottom line.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Just have one thing to add here - it doesn't have to be all or nothing. If you feel that you could not possibly kick her out, then have a consequences that you DO think you could stick to. whatever that could be - no more money from you, no more cooking, whatever. The important part is saying you will do something, and then doing it.
there is some great Experience, Strength and Hope in these posts. Boundaries are sooo so important.... extra-double-extra-especially for us (me) who struggle with codependency and people-pleasing.
what is a boundary?
To me, it is the point of YOUR choosing where any behavior beyond that compromises your ethics, morals, and values. that point has to be maintaned and upheld to A) keep your sanity & B) to teach the other person in that relationship that you are hurt/injured by their further action.
By upholding that boundary also comes other really good side-effects like "respect", honest communication, and genuine acceptance.
Through a couple of my "program" friends, I've witnessed relationships with children grow much stronger and loving via setting what seemed like ridiculously tough boundaries.
It has also always helped me to WRITE DOWN what behaviors I can and cannot live with in my home. Perhaps you could share with us or even write down just for yourself what you, let me say that again, YOU, what YOU want or do not want in your home.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, COURAGE TO CHANGE the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference.
that prayer helped me immeasurably. a couple of my boundaries became
-no alcohol or drugs in my house. ever. it is my house where i live and i will not be a party to self-destructive and/or criminal behavior (including pot). i am worth it.
-noone who i deem as a disruptive or destructive figure will be allowed in/on my property. this property is where i have my life and serenity. i am worth it.
-i will not save any friend or relative from any consequence stemming from a drug or alcohol related crisis. period. i do not need to save them from learning lessons Higher Power intended for them. they are worth it. and i am worth it.
-i will say what i mean and mean what i say, and i'll try the very-hairy-scary best not to say it mean. HP, forgive me if i fail, as i surely have before and will again. but i will try, cuz, i am worth it.
((gimmpy)), keep coming back and running thoughts on this board -- it made a huge difference in my life and recovery -- and remember, you can always
take what you like, and leave the rest
with love, your friend in recovery cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
I'm angry, concerned, scared, and I hate feeling like this all the time...
I wonder if this is about letting your daughter know how you feel, clearly and calmly. Your unhappiness about her behaviour in your home is about you and how you feel. It is not about what she 'should' or 'should not' be doing, that is her business but about how it is for you. So it isn't about whether she uses foul language or not in itself it is about how that affects you. It isn't about whether her behaviour is 'right' or 'wrong' but about how it affects you. This of course is something that teenage children find very hard to include in their concerns. They are struggling so hard to find out who they are that to shift their attention to your needs is difficult for them. How her friends perceive her is so much more important for her at this time than how you perceive her. Its a very difficult situation. Actually the fact that she can apparently treat you with such disregard shows that she trusts your love for her and knows it will endure despite everything. But that doesn't make her behaviour ok.
I guess I would be saying (as I did to my son when he was a similar age). I need there to be peace and quiet in my home. I need to have a smoke-free home. I need to feel you care enough about me to tidy up the kitchen after yourself. I need not to have any illegal activites in my home. I can see that you need different things to me. Can you tell me what they are so that we can find a compromise? If that's not possible then I will have to take action to protect myself, not because I don't love you or because I don't care about you, but because I need to look after myself.
One thing I believe is that she does care about you being ok but probably is unable to act on that at the moment. So that means the action has to come from you.
You sound like a great mum, putting loads of energy into your family. Sending you love and strength.
What has worked for me is giving my kids choices, albeit not ones that they particularly like. I've not had to deal with drugs or booze, thank God, but boundaries are boundaries no matter what.
The method I use (and as Karilynn said, you must stick to it) is to say "these are your choices in MY home". You can choose to respect the rules and abide or XXX will happen. If they choose to ignore then there are consequences and THEY have made the choice to have these consequences brought down on them. I say what the rules are and what the consequences are up front. The next move is their choice. If they choose to ignore my boundaries then the consequences are enforced and they know it's coming.
Being that you daughter is 19, it is illegal for her to drink. If her friends are underage and are drinking at your house...Guess who is responsible if one of them gets in an accident and kills someone or themselves? YOU are because it took place in your home.
Boundaries are made to protect us, not to force the addict to stop. The bonus is that when our protection boundaries are firmly in place it makes it harder on them. In your case, they would no longer have a safe haven to drug and drink. I don't know if you could be strong enough to call the law on them to protect yourself, that would be my move. It's very difficult to do but in the long run the best thing to do (in my opinion). The next best boundary, if you are ignored, would be asking her to move out, I guess. You'll have to make your own boundary that you know you can enforce. You are right in being concerned for your younger children. They only know what is possible via what they see.
Good luck Christy
-- Edited by Christy at 12:36, 2007-04-18
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
