The material presented
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Needed to get this out of my head also, as i have alot of other things in there. I need to let this one out. So i can see it here rather than continously thinking about something that doesnt matter. Today is the anniversary of my mothers death. I have grieved, and i am ok with it now. I still have issues of how alone i really am in person . Even when im in a room with my so called family. I feel like a stranger now. I feel alone, im not down about it or maybe i am. If i look back at my life i always have been alone in a crowd of people.
My mothers death taught me, what i dont want for my own life and how i dont want to die the way she did. I miss her alot, and in a different way i am more free to make my own decisions and live my life the way i want to. She was my A and so was my father. I find it strange this year. Miss her yes. But she did something to me on her death bed. That crossed me. I guess i had trouble dealing with that i tryed to though. Still havent gotten to the point of parenting my kids in a healthy way(yell)
It just doesnt matter anymore, all that she did to me, how she raised me, neglected me, doesnt matter what i did to rebel even though im still told by my family. I realize that no one at all not even in my family knows the life i have lived because i never told them.
No one knows im in alanon and ive been in and out for 7 years. I learned not to tell people things that will be put down. That one would of been. My mother told me if i told my dad that it would kill him. Ok.,...
I know my mother chose to die. Maybe thats why im not hit as hard or maybe because two years have past. Just wish someone out there .. would.......... lol something. Anyway.
Two years has been a long rough road. Adjusting and i hope this one I am in now, will be less dramatic and more of actually living my life and becoming the person i want to be. LEt go of the friend i have lost, recently lost ,them from the effects of my mothers death i was a little crazy last year. I can go on and on what i did these past two years. What my family did to me. What my mother did to me even on her death bed. I dont see what good it would do me to have to deal with those again. I am tired of dealing. Its time to move on from my past into my future. Stop saying i will and stand up and go do it.
Thats terrifying to me. However not so much so that i wont do nothng about it lol
I just hope that you can see that im not her anymore the angry insane person i was after my mother died. took me awhile to come out of it. My mothers death was a hit to me. Diagnosed in february which i thought was her hip only. Given 3-9 months to live and she lived 2 months.
I choose to move on and forgive myself. I did the best i could at that time. i will not beat myself up. I made amends to eveyrone i felt that needed it. More than once. Now the hard part comes letting go of the results. I know i can do this.
I miss my mother and glad she is finally at peace where she wanted to be.
The hardest part for me since i was the caretaker to everyone in my family grandmother mother father sister. Is to say no and be true to myself. Give my kids what i didnt have in life and its not material. Thats what i wish for our future. Everything else is a bonus.
Thanks for listening to me rant sorry its all over the place.
I need out of hotel california(this building where i was raised and live in again for last 3 years ) and on to bigger and better things
kerry
-- Edited by kerry5 at 16:25, 2007-04-17
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Life can only be understood backwards, But it must be lived forwards
I understand some of how you feel. I went a bit crazy after my Mom died. My kids were 4 and 5 at the time. I had no patience, yelled and screamed at nothing... I went to my doctor and asked to see a 'shrink' (can't spell it, lol). He gave me a mild medication that made all the difference in the world.I still take it, it 'keeps me on an even keel'. My Dad suffered from depression all his life and was very negative. As a matter of fact, I suggested to my daughter that maybe she should try it for her kid's sakes. She is very short tempered, as is her father, so the poor kid gets it from both sides. She said she had tried it years ago, and was amazed at how much better she felt and is going to ask the doc after she has her baby. You seem to know what you should do about letting go and going on with your life. I did too, but needed a little help. Take what you want and leave the rest, Love, TLC
My A has had issues with his Mom also. Now that she is gone he realized all that went on with her. One of the things that helped him was to right a letter to her. Spill it all out: the good, the bad, the ugly, etc. Then tear it up and flush it. Set in on fire. Make it go away. As corny as it sounds, it really helped. It was gone with the wind. All those feelings bottled up. All those things he wanted to say but never had the chance, etc. are gone. He is now at peace with her. He can even look back at some things and smile. Just a thought.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Hey all thanks for the replys :) Sorry for sounding a little down here. I am at peace with my mothers death. I had my kids in coucneling for over a year in bereavement counceling. I accepted that she died when she did because she didnt care about her self ,her disease was strong even thought she didnt drink in the last years of her life.
I also went to therapy and alanon and all that i have been on meds ect..... Five years ago not a road i would go down again. I thank god i didnt need to. I was just venting on the things that she did to me. I did write her a letter two months before she was diagnosed and she read it. She gave me a dreamcathcer with chimes on it as a truce gift and a response to my letter that i have still.. So i am glad we did that before she died and we spoke many times when she was in her bed. I didnt tell her she crossed me and all that i didnt bring it up. I saw the tiredness, i knew it didnt matter then because her life was ending what more was there to say about the past not a thing to her. I was just letting it out here :) I have accepted shes not in my life. Sorry i wasnt clear :)
Thank you for your support
kerry
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Life can only be understood backwards, But it must be lived forwards
Hard to believe it has been 2 years since you lost your mother. I remember your turmoil well when you were trying to look after her in her final days, and I admire your strength. I lost my mum 8 months ago now and my world still does not feel "right" without her, and probably never will. I think you have done a great job of taking care of you and moving forward. Life is full of "ups and downs" and probably every aniversary of your mom's death will be a "down day" but I sincerely hope that tomorrow is an "up day".
((((KERRY))))), I feel for you, it is hard to lose a parent(lost dad 2 yrs ago) I know your relationship with her wasn't easy but I am glad that you did get to tell her how you felt before she died and that you have come to terms with who she was and what she did.Good work, leaving the past behind, where it belongs.
