The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Last time I posted I was on my way back to my hometown where my children and grandchildren still live. And I did go and spent eight weeks apart from my AH. The peace I felt at not being around his daily drinking was wonderful and while I was there I got the news that after four granddaughters in a row, this Granny is getting a grandson come late July!! I had a wonderful time with my children and grandchildren, and even some of my siblings. Yet, after a few weeks I missed my AH and knew in my heart that I am not ready to leave him for good at this time.
So he drove down for Easter and spent a week with all of us and last week I packed up my suitcase and came back home with him. He drank even more while he was down there with us, I guess because of the stress of not knowing whether I would come back with him or not. The fact that he really does have this awful disease of alcoholism is becoming a reality to my life, no matter how much I want to hope and believe it's not. I guess there has still been a part of me holding on to denial but there's no longer anyway I can keep doing this. Nor can I keep holding on to the fact that by going away I hoped he would see how serious this problem is to our marriage and relationship and start getting the help he needs. Although I left because I just could not endure the stress of his disease and its affects on us another day, I came back with him because my heart is not ready to give up on us. I hate the disease, but I still love my husband.
So where do we go from here? For me, I will keep learning about this dreadful disease, going to Al-Anon and CodA meetings online and face to face, and when I feel the stress is overwhelming I will pack my bags and get away from once again until I feel strong and at peace again. And just as I live with my husband's alcoholism, he will have to live with my going away when it gets to be to much. Is there any hope for us, I don't really know, but I do know I'm not ready to let go of him or the hope that one day he will want to get well and seek the help he needs to do this.
This is where my Higher Power has planted me and I'm going to do my best to bloom where I am planted in spite of conditions not being the best for this.
Blessings, Babsinbloom
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I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13
(((((Babsinbloom))))), So nice to hear from you! I am glad you had a good visit with family. Sending you all my good thoughts and prayers, that you keep blooming! Love in recovery, Leetle
Thank you Leetle. And thanks for the encouraging private message too.
When things get really stressful it's hard to remember to count our blessings. Taking a break from the stress really puts things back into proper perspective once again. Why it's even a blessing to be able to take this break!
Spending eight weeks away from my AH gave me the chance to recharge from the stress of living with the disease of alcoholism and enabled me once again to see the blessings of my AH too. Before I married my husband my Higher Power told me that I was going to need to give my spouse two very important things....unconditional love and a home. I have had no problem making a home for him but I never would have imagined in a million years how hard it would be to love him unconditionally! Yet something tells me that until I can truly do this, until my AH feels my unconditional love for him......he will not feel the desire or find the courage to seek the help that can bring wellness to him. None of us really know what another person has gone through in their lives, how much pain they are numbing with alcohol, etc. But I see the pain on my husband's face when something I have said, or the tone I use with my words, or my body language lets him know he is not loved unconditionally. Yes, I hate the disease of alcoholism and it's effects on him and us but I do love him and it's so hard to often show him that when alcohol has it death grip on him and it's spewing it's effects on me too. My fighting may be against the alcohol...but to many times it seems to be against my husband. It's so hard to separate the two and detach from the one while still showing love to the other.
But I'm learning and I'm growing and even though it's hard to tell most days....I have hope and faith that my AH is learning and growing too. He's much better at loving me unconditionally than I am at giving him this same kind of love. And even though I don't have the disease of alcoholism, I do have my own issues that I need healing and wellness for too and that affect our marriage and relationship in many ways just as his alcoholism does. I'm trusting our Higher Power to help both of us love each other unconditionally while He brings healing to all the areas in our lives that need this.
While waiting on this I'll just keep counting the blessings and thanking and praising our Higher Power that He is perfecting all that concerns us both here.
Blessings, Babsinbloom
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I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13
((((((Babs))))) Al-Anon teaches that it is up to us to make our own decisions about our life. I'm personally glad that after a few separations from my AH, I didn't leave him for good. I've learned a lot about myself, how to set boundaries, and detach with love.
There are many things to consider when leaving for good. One thing that helped me is that I learned that I could take mini-vacations when I wanted to. My AH no longer gets upset at this and sometimes encourages me to go. My life with him is pretty good now because I've made it that way for myself.
It's not always necessary to leave for good - it's your choice. Before I came to Al-Anon, I didn't know I had choices.
I had a wonderful time with my children and grandchildren, and even some of my siblings. Yet, after a few weeks I missed my AH and knew in my heart that I am not ready to leave him for good at this time.
