The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The day before yesterday was awful inside of me. Nothing really happened. It was all inside of me, I was a mess. Trying so hard not to call my ex. Yesterday was so much better! I heard at an online meeting don't drink, just for today. And i made a decision that just for today (yesterday) i would not make any contact with my ex. And I was happy. I focused on my new house and all that goes with that, the kids and I laughed over dinner. The sadness was there but it wasn't consuming me. Today, I am almost back to obsessing and being hurt and angry. Wanting to show up at the grill my ex goes to after the meeting with all the people from the meeting and confront him about the money he owes me that I lent him and the 6 weeks of child support he has refused to pay. As soon as this idea popped into my head i felt that rush of insanity hit my stomach and it's like a high. I used to like this feeling. I don't anymore. I am addicted. I am powerless over others and over my obsession with my ex. I know his new gf goes to that meeting and all so she'd be there too and that would make me lose my mind. What's my trigger? What's my fear? This is sick and I assume this is what it feels like to be addicted to a substance. I have all the same behaviors. It's like I get the thought and I can't stop myself from acting on it. But, Just For Today I will not hurt myself, him, or the kids by being selfish and trying to control the situation. Just For Today, I can't think about tomarrow. This is so very, very hard. Harder than my head thinks it should be. My head says I should be over it. After all he has done to me, I was the one who inciated the divorce and I didn't like him when he was here......My heart is still breaking. But not for him, for me.
I think when you feel like calling him, call a new comer in al anon instead. Or respond to a new person here online instead. That way you're distracting yourself. Additionally, you could do an extra chore, or reach out to one of your kids. Just keep distracting yourself until you're absorbed in something else.
Can you get a babysitter and go out with friends? It may help to start a new social life all your own. You are reinventing yourself in a sense, so you should try and find out what makes you happy.
(((((serendipity))))), I can relate to your post so much. I too am realizing that my sadness is not just for my A, but for me. My A did many many hurtful things to me, but I also realize that if I were a happy and healthy person before meeting him, some of it would have never happened. Seeing my part in things, is just as hurtful as the obvious pain that our A's cause. Take care of yourself. I think it is great that you are focusing on "just for today". Keep reaching out to people in recovery to help keep your balance.
Serenity, your last few posts have filled me with so much hope. You're walking a tightrope, and you are so brave. You are doing great, and I'm so happy for you and your kids.
The insight that 'making the call' is like giving into an addiction is so powerful. Unfortunately, my A is in my face but I have the same kind of feeling when I want to let him "have it", a sudden craving inside to just blow up, but I know what will happen if I do. So one day at a time for me, too, thanks for reminding me.
I understand how you feel. I fear my husband leaving me, and I have so many times told him I wanted a divorce. I have problems with his family, they don't care for me, and don't mind showing it. I attended my first Al-Anon meeting last night, and I woke up feeling good this morning. Good about myself. I tell myself, "What's so important about how they feel about it, I will not let it ruin my day. Last night after I got home, I just repeated the serenity prayer over and over to myself. Just for today, you think of something happy. Take care.
