The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am new to this. My boyfriend of 4 years "stopped drinking" 3 years ago. But he still seems to have to drink every 5 or 6 months. The thing is, he turns into what we call "the other guy" and it is tough to take. I asked him two years ago not to drink around me. Last night he started drinking and I caught him. I caught him too late though. "The other guy" came out. I just can't understand that he can go months without drinking and then he just has to do it one day. I just can't stand being around him when he drinks. We live together and I don't feel I should have to leave my home when he does it. I asked him to leave me alone and he ended up going to bed for a couple of hours which made me happy. I end up feeling so awful inside. For the 5 or 6 months or even longer we have a great life. That one day spoils it. He should be in work now, but he can't get out of bed. I hate feeling this way. That one day of hell makes me wonder if the other times is even worth being with him. Then slowly this bad feeling goes away and the man I love is back again and I try to forget the few hours he was horrible. Am I crazy for staying?
Welcome to MIP. You have come to the right place. Alanon is for all who are affected by another's drinking. It seems that you are.
I have one son who is 36 years old who is an A. Everyone knows that because his marriage broke up and he continues to drink. I have another sone who is 31. He is the one that can go a few months without drinking and then he will tie one on on a Friday or Saturday night. This also causes prablems with his marriage. It takes him several day to recoup from that binge and he swears he is giving it up. lol! He always manages to let it happen again. So...in my eyes...he is an A. A very functional A but an A none the less.
I hope you can work this out with you BF. I think when they are ones that can have several months of sobriety they can see a little better what it is doing to their lives. My son will admit that he wants to not do it anymore but has a problem following through. No A is going to quit until they decide they don't want to keep having the same problems over and over.
Whether you stay or go is totally your decision, no one here will push you either way. When I came to Alanon I was pretty bullheaded and thought the same as you "why should I have to leave my home when he drinks?" The answer came pretty quickly. By staying I'm only really pi$$ing myself off and building anger and resentment toward him. I was still angry at first when I left, but nothing like I would be if I stayed and watched him and got sucked in to the insanity of it. I started having a plan in place. I would plan to go or do something I enjoyed. I thought of him less and less while I was out and chose to enjoy myself and have fun instead. I couldn't change him, but I could change me and my reaction. He learned that I wouldn't tolerate his behavior in my space, he spent many nights alone with himself. Since you only have one night to deal with every few months, I'm sure you could come up with a great plan for yourself. Girls night out? A movie? Dinner with a friend? Work out at a gym? I always had a few freinds that agreed to last minute fun if needed, just a phone call away. Make it YOUR night instead of focusing on his actions. Have some fun!!
Hope this helps some, Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I hope you've been reading many of the posts on this board - that will help to channel some of those overwhelming thoughts.
Alcoholism is a disease, and we talk about the "3 C's": we did not Cause it; we cannot Control it; we cannot Cure it.
Even though we usually start out wishing we could. And sometimes fall back into thinking that way. But Alanon is a program for US, to learn healthier thinking, so we are better off, regardless of what happens with our Alcoholic.
I strongly suggest that you try to get to an f2f (face to face) meeting - they will have free Newcomer Packets there, other free pamphlets, and Alanon books to purchase. If you are in the US, you should be able to find the website for your state by searching here: www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.htm
Online meetings are great too, but one thing that surprised me when I first went to meetings was what a difference it made for me to hear my own voice. Now I do both, and I value both.
Only you can decide what's right for you, but in Alanon, you will hear others share their own esh (experience, strength & hope) & maybe get some ideas to try yourself.
Terry, reading this today has made me feel so good b/c i am going through exactly what you are going through. my fiance and i have been together for 6 years and we have a son together and live together.
i just wanted to try and send encouraging words your way
you have to live your life, if you are so unhappy, and he does not change, how much longer can you go through it? I too am asking myself that question...
im in the process of trying to seek God and look inside of me...i think the hardest part for me (and probably for you) is learning how to not concern ourselves to the point where we can't live our lives...
i hope and pray God gives you the answers you need...God bless you....and good luck.
Thank you for your input. The thing is I am 54 years old. I have been single since 1989. I have dated a lot but this is the longest relationship I have had. After dating for almost a year, I told him I couldn't do it anymore. He had lost his license for three years and kept promising he would quit and just didn't. After I told him I was leaving him, he said he would show me that he would quit and he did. It was a year before he slipped up on vacation. Then he was good for maybe 6 months. In the last three years he has slipped up only about 5 times. The thing is, I can't stand the man he becomes when he drinks. 1 or 2 drinks he is okay, but he doesn't want just one or two drinks. I told him I didn't want him drinking around me. I would rather he go to a hotel and lock himself in the room and get it out of his system than to be around me. He is such a great guy normally. He is smart, he has a master's degree and has a very good job with General Electric that he has had for 28 years. He just hasn't resolved something in his past that keeps him needing that drink even though he knows what happens when he does.
I just read your reply and that is a great idea. Usually when he drinks it is later on when I don't feel like going out. At 8:00 at night I am usually ready to get in my pj's and watch a movie. But I should really find something else to do and maybe by the time I get back, he will be in bed and I can sleep in the guest room. It is true that being there just makes me angrier and angrier. Not a good for my well being and peace of mind.
