The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It seems to me there is a pattern with the A's agitation and chaos. He sets up a crisis, acts out then acts normal. Right now he is in this huge agitation with having to move (in chaos) and drama. I don't really see how he will make it where he is going. He has few contacts. He has no support system and he has little money. But somehow this fantasy sustains him.
He's been to this place before. In fact when I first met him, unbenown to me, he was coming in after going there. He had just picked up one of his cats there. He'd come back to where we lived, reorganized and acted like nothing happened. That is nothing after he had got a DUI, lost his license and more. He acted like nothing was wrong to me. I had no idea. He reorganized, got a job, blamed it all on his ex girlfriend and more. Then he moved. That is where I met him when he'd moved and tried to erase his past. The thing is one can't really erase one's past. The toll of the DUI eventually caught up with him. Everything does in the end.
His agitation and fantasy is immense and there are lots of signs that he is doing drugs. First of all he has his friends in the driveway who may mean well but they are drug addcits. Their idea of a good time is chaos and craziness that is what they know. They don't relate to sanity they relate to insanity.
I have to remember I can't bring myself to think like the A does because his thinking is chemically induced. His thinking is affected by all those chemicals and all that chaos.
I wish I had the strength, funds stability to take my dog but I don't. I am working on that. I have ideas how. I have ideas how I can do that in time. I also have ideas how I can either get the truck or the A's other vehicle and let go. Right now I can't just let go. There are still issues to be dealt with. There are still knots to tie. I am on my way there.
When I talk to the A eventually it comes down to his insanity, his paranoia, his blame. I know I am not to blame for his current craziness and I don't take it on the way I used to.
At the same time today I found myself not even hating him anymore. He is so so sick it is difficult to hate him. I know he is headed for some crash and I can't do anything about it anymore. I am so very sad my dogs have to live around it. I am also very very very sad that I did for such a long time. What a waste of my time and energy to be trying to convince someone who clearly could not admit he is powerless yet.
Even when they sober up they can still do geographicals to block it out or solve their problems. Even tho my AHsober said it was me, I really feel that he left to do exactly what your A did - erase it. And you are right it doesn't work. I am slowly realizing that I don't have to think like my AHsober does. What a relief.
